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 Posted: Fri Jan 16, 2009 2:37 pm
Welcome, i'm going to post random things that i think are at least decent. prose and poetry will be posted but prose will be in red and poetry in blue. critique if you want, but you dont have to, feel free to comment and stay a little to chat. have fun and hope you enjoy. You hate it. You don’t find it fair. You can’t go home for fear of the fist; you can’t go to school for fear of the words. Your throat hurts from screaming at daddy every night to stop. You heart throbs from being stabbed everyday by peers. So why do you keep going? Why do you get on that bus headed for hell twice a day? Why are you getting off it now?
You walk slowly up to the school building—trying desperately to be invisible. You can already hear the laughing behind your back and you self consciously tug at your shirt fearing the gauze place on last night isn’t showing.
“Freak” a boy whispers in your ear as he runs past you. You keep a straight face and keep walking. Today’s going to be different you decide. You’re going to try and smile. You get to first period and sit down at the back row desk. You’re the only person the teacher doesn’t look in the eye when they take role. You don’t understand why, you’ve been a good girl, never tardy, never absent, never loud. They probably have heard the rumors about you.
You watch silently as a note is passed desk to desk, being unnoticed by the teacher, and eventually ends up on your desk. You stare at the words that everyone’s etched over in their own shade of ink as it glares right back at you.
FEAR THE QUEER!
You fight back tears. You hate those untrue words almost as much as you hate your dad. You ignore the snickers, the notes, and the untrue gossip as best as possible.
You soon find yourself on the bus again, destined for a more fiery hell. Luckily, the house is silent, and you know dad is getting wasted, preparing for tonight.
You trot up the stairs to the bathroom and stare at the dark circles under your eyes and slowly brush through your hair. You whisper to yourself, praying to a God you don’t believe is there, to help you make it through another painful night.
Thirteen.
You realize tonight will be number thirteen. You shudder at the thought of your dad coming home. You lift your shirt and pull the strip of gauze off your pelvis slowly and carefully. You wince at the slice from daddy’s fingernails as it cracks and starts to bleed again.
You hear a door slam downstairs and freeze. You hear him clatter and clang his way up the stairs. He skips all the stuff he usually screams at you about your mother dying and your brother leaving and how it’s all your fault. He cuts straight to the point and collides his fist with your jaw. You scream out as you collapse to the ground in shambles and he kicks your side. He grabs a hand full of your hair and drags you across the carpet out in the hallway, leaving rug burn on your arms, and to the closet. He throws you into it amongst the coats and shoes.
“Take off those damn pants!” he demands.
You sit at school the next day, calm as a flower, the assembly going on around you. Everyone is rallied up for the basketball season and is jumping up and down screaming. Everyone but you. You smile sadistically and stand slowly. You can’t hear anything as you pull the semi-automatic handgun from your jacket and c**k it once. No one notices you. No one ever does. You take careless aim at the person jumping up and down with her girlfriends in front of you.
Bam.
One down. Twelve to go.
Everyone screams as the girl falls lifeless to the floor, blood everywhere. They all scramble around, like bees in a hive.
Bam.
Bam.
Two. Eleven.
Three. Ten.
You don’t hear anything any more as you shoot five more times.
Four. Nine.
Five. Eight.
Six. Seven.
Seven. Six.
Eight. Five.
You hear a voice in your head. A much missed voice. That of your mothers, calling out to you softly. “I’m coming mommy. I’m coming.” You whisper back.
Nine. Four.
Ten. Three.
Thirteen times. Thirteen times your dad beat you. Raped you. Left you half dead in the closet, the kitchen, the bathroom, the garage. Thirteen times he stole a bit of your life.
Eleven. Two.
Twelve. One.
Hardly anyone but the twelve dead students and yourself are left in the gym. You can hear police officers trying to get past the mob of kids trying to get out.
One.
You turn the gun to your temple and suck in your last final breath before your finger squeezes the trigger and you hear your mothers long lost voice clearly for the first time in thirteen months.How could a boy love someone so imperfect?
with all the wrong blemishes
like zits and sun scars
someone who stands on unstable battel ground
and strives to be noticed but once
who cant fit in the 'small' the world demands
who's cottage cheese legs dont appeal to the miniskirt
with crooked teeth and unfocoused eyes
with hands bigger then mans
and 'big foot' left feet
how could a boy love osmone so insane?
who wears unmatching socks
and talks to herself in the quietest hours
who writes unread tears
and sheds giggles like there's no tomorrow
who gets called the fruitcake freak behind her back
who sings unearthed songs
and smokes others emotions
who is loud, crazy, and obnoxious
how could a boy love someone so unpretty?
how could a boy love someone so different?
how could a boy love me...I couldn’t believe what was happening! Zeen was falling for the dark side! No one had ever done that! I knew someone else had to be the culprits. He would never do this on his own. Ever since the battle between the two races had begun, the Unicorns had been changing us Zombies into humans. How retched! I’ve watched some of those disgusting creatures at times, they eat with their hands and use toilet paper! I mean, really, what sane Zombie would even consider such madness?! And they are so ugly also. With that unnatural yellowish string on their heads and they have only two eyes! And talk about weird hands! Last time I checked, no one has ten fingers! I had to figure out a way to prevent Zeen from giving in to their torture of Lawn Mowers and *shudder* The Food Network… Zeen never showed up to one of our meetings about how we were to over throw the wretched unicorns with their sickening rainbows and joyous songs. I left the meeting early, right after we chewed on some garbage cans for refreshments, to find where Zeen was. And believe it or not, guess where he was! In the movies, seeing Twilight of all things! And of course, the unicorns being behind all this horrific insanity wouldn’t let me in to steal my brainwashed friend away from their clutches. A week later, after constantly fighting the urge to confront the unicorns and free my friend, we discovered a weapon of our own! I’m pretty sure I can save Zeen from the fluffy king size beds and toaster ovens. Us zombies, obviously being the rightful rulers of this land, are going to turn the unicorns… into ponies!Some people get thrills
Just by strapping into a seat
Destined to be thrown over hills
And promised a one way ticket to the loo
Some have the undeniable drive
To max out their credit cards
In a months worth of shopping
Crammed and shoved into a single day
Some get their kicks and giggles
By sitting on a seat, gear in place
And nothing in between them and speed
Except a throttle and a brake
Some fulfill their desires
Being all sweaty and grimy
With one hand set
The other cradling a precious ball
Some excel all their excitement
In a stroke of a bang or a trill
Filling the silence so smoothly
With eyes closed and concentration deep
Everyone gets their thrills
One way or another
We all express them
And love them like the prettiest sunrise
I’m different then most
My thrill isn’t video games or starry nights
Its sighing my breath onto a paper
Letting my overcast spirits spill
And splash into readable words
It’s taking the clouds from above
And painting them into me
My thrill is that
Writing
Expressing myself.Three Ways of Her Death
Black Star Shine
Charlie
Mommy’s sad. Daddy holds her like baby sister. I don’t know why mommy says she hurts. All she needs is a band-aid. That always helps me. I don’t think they know I’m here. I heard a noise and found them in here. They are both on the floor. The kitchen is still dirty from breakfast. I want to give mommy a kiss-better like she gives me. Mommy shakes in daddy’s arms. Daddy’s crying harder then Mommy. Baby sister starts to fuss. They don’t hear, so I go try to tell her Mommy’s just sad and it will get better.
Adrian
Elizabeth burns in my arms as I try and control her tremors. This is the worse attack she’s had all year. I can’t help but cry as her own tears stain my shirt. I grasp her peanut buttery hand as she coughs harshly into my shoulder. “Liz, just get it all out, it’ll pass, it’ll pass.” I sob. I kiss her hand several times as it shakes in my firm grip. She looks at me through her piercing green eyes.
“I… can’t… breathe!” she grabs onto my shirt with her other hand as she coughs again and again. I pull her in tighter to my body and rock back and forth whispering to her about everything we have planned for the day. Her hand moves to the back of my head and clenches onto my hair as she hurls once in my lap, but I don’t notice the pain or the puke. I rub her back lovingly as she presses her hot forehead against my neck and cries more and more. My tears fall into her hair, dampening it more then when Charlie spilled a bit of his orange juice into it. “I can’t… can’t…”
“Keep talking baby, what can’t you do?” I plead through a shaky voice. She shakes more violently and sobs through her coughing that’s getting worse every time she tries to inhale. I can’t convince myself to leave her to find the doctors number. I can’t even begin to imagine where Charlie has run off to. I hold her closer and closer.
Elizabeth
Imagine getting caught in a blizzard in Antarctica while butt naked… I’m ten times colder then that… My chest burns every time I try to take a breath, blocking the particles with an army of impossible force. Every time I cough I feel razors scraping my throat. Adrian’s body can’t get me warm enough as I try over and over to just dissolve into him. The stomach acid that comes up makes my whole insides writher in agonizing pain. Even though my insides feel like they’ve been thrown into an oven, I’m so cold on the outside. “Breathe” Adrian whispers to me.
“Cant” I cough into his chest. I look through my tear blinded eyes to see blood on his once clean shirt and hear the faint cry of my little girl in the other room.
“No…” Adrian cries out as he wipes the blood dotting my lips. “No!” he cradles me closer as I try and control what I already know is getting out of hand.
“Adrian…” I say and my voice hurts to escape. “Tell Char… Charlie… and… and Krista… I… I love them… Mommy’s so proud of them…” I pinch my eyes close as Adrian shakes his head and kissed my fingertips. “And… tell Charlie to keep… keep… drawing…”
“You’re not going Liz, you’re not!” Adrian yells at me.
“Adrian… Adrian… I love… I love you…” I cough more into his chest as I get colder and colder… this time on the inside as well.
“I love you Elizabeth…” Adrian coos over and over… the last thing I hear…month one
i'm sixteen
holding a pink strip
grasping onto the counter
for support
i call him up
bearing the wonderful news
month two
i'm excited
seems so easy
cravings and spastic PMS
I swoon to you everyday
your dad smiling
his own teenage smile
month three
i'm scared
the doctors gave the first medical bill
your dad's left
running from the realization
that’s sinking in as you stick out
so now i'm on my own
holding onto my mothers hand
as she slowly turns her head in shame
month four
i'm learning
my baby girl
your getting so big
and a burden
music seems to stop you from kicking
so i'm picking up piano again
month five
i'm hurting
my hands are constantly
caressing your cage
or holding my aching back
i've been kicked out of school
because people talk
and get the wrong impressions
month six
i'm praying
morning sickness is
unbearable, i cant breathe
at times when you
wrestle and tug on my
innards, i want to
pop as you grow larger and
more healthy
month seven
i'm enduring... painfully
i'm crying myself
to sleep because you
fuss
mother's left me too and
now its me and
you darling
your dad saw
us in the store and
even offered to
help me with
your bills promising
he could be
there when i burst
i don’t know if i
can believe
him
month eight
i'm striving
bed rest
is a miserable
thing that keeps
hurting me more not
helping, i keep music
playing all the
time, your dad
has been here so
far, fearing as i
do about how horrid
i feel now
contractions are
beginning and are
painful to cry
through, its
time
month nine
i'm cradling
you in my arms
whispering your name
again and again
i'm sixteen
your zero
were a pair
that will stick together
through thick and thin
white and black
because your my baby girl
my Elizabeth.
white thin layers
metal spirals
black blue and red
bruised purness
peirced with words
painful pictures
the note book falls
contents spilling over
ink marking
lonliness
stained on my shirt
because it fell
let the secrets out
tears cant wash
the cursed thoughts
solitude feelings
lost
forever in darkness
with the shadows
of my writing
because they grew
and engulfed
my lifeI sighed heavily as I walked down the hall towards the music rooms and auditorium. My guitar swung lightly from its strap that was around my body. I was used to the looks I was getting as I passed people, they would laugh, point, or schuss me off. But it had always been that way.
I saw one of my siblings, one of my triplet siblings, walking swiftly in my direction. He was the jock of the three of us, the one with all the girls and the football jerks who followed him everywhere.
"Elee!" He called. I cringed from the hated nickname the two of them called me, only because my name was too long spelled out. "Where are you going?"
"To the stage." I sneered "Why do you care, Jaykob?"
Relief washed over his face. "Okay, that's good. I thought you were going to the field and I didn't want the guys seeing you out there while I was there as well."
Pain struck in my chest at his words. Him and Kaycee had always tried to avoid me, they were both ashamed of how I acted and rebelled against what our parents had taught us. Unconsciously I tugged at my long sleeve's to make them cover half of my hand.
"Well, as long as you don't make me look like an idiot in front of my friends! Bye Elee!" Jaykob ran back from the direction he had been coming and out the doors to meet up with his friends.
I sighed again and walked through the doors of the auditorium. I hit a few buttons on the side of the wall next to the curtains and some stage lights came on, making the once pitch black arena glow with an angelic feeling. I grabbed a stool and went to the center of the stage, right in front of the orchestra pit.
I laid my bag down and the buttons, that said things like "Musik=Heroine!" and "Reject 101" and other things like that, clacked loudly in the silent place and I pulled my guitar back around to my front.
I pushed my sleeve's up and stared at the red marks running horizontally from my wrist to my elbow. I ran my finger over them and it felt bumpy and sore.
I shook of the feeling of death and started to tune my guitar. When that was done I started strumming one chord after another, I hummed harmoniously to it and then started to sing one of the many song's I had written.
"Lost in the world of hate.
Confined in a life of death.
Don't know any home but here.
with a guitar on my shoulder
and a song in my heart."
My mind wandered aimlessly, thinking about the events of last night. My father had come home drunk once again. Yelling loudly first at my mother about how she was always working and didn't have time for him. He had slapped her and then came after us. Me, Jaykob and Kaycee had been doing homework and other things. He first yelled at how much he loved how Jaykob was MVP of the football team and such, then how honored he was that Kaycee had one the girls volleyball game last week.
But his words still echoed hurtfully in my mind. "Emmaleigh!, Why can't you be a normal kid! You and your obsession with music!" He had taken the song I had been writing and ripped it in half, then stomped on the fellen pieces. Kaycee and Jaykob had left, they wouldn't help me even if dad started beating me to a pulp.
"Dad, you're drunk!" I had yelled back, trying to get him to stop.
"And you're a disgrace! I wish we had left you and your non-athletic useless self at the hospital and taken home our two perfect children!" He spit in my face and then slapped me like he slapped my mom.
"The scars are hidden
the marks invisible
but the looks are un-ignorable
and the laughs painful
why can't they understand
I'm not him or her
I'm me-
lost in this world of hate!"
I forget about being on the stage and concentrated on playing. I continued to sing about how I couldn't be found in the misty hate of my father, the blackened looks of my brother, the scornful scowls from my sisters, and the harsh laughter of my mother. I didn't belong anywhere, not here, not there. I wanted it to end tonight, stop breathing, stop thinking, stop living.
I finished the song with a few hard stums of the Em7 chord and let it ring throughout the huge room. My fingers tingled and threatened to begin to bleed from such hard playing.
Someone started clapping. I turned quickly, slidding off the stool I had been sitting on and crashed dangerously close to the 10 foot drop into the orchestra pit.
"Sorry!" Said a male voice as steps pounded over to me. I tried to get up on my own but was too shocked that someone had been listening to me to do so. A hand found mine and helped me up. I brushed off invisible crumbs and then looked at who had helped me.
The boy's face was square shaped and well rounded at the same time, carved by angels. His black hair fell in his face and covered a little of his right eye. His eyes were a sight to behold, they were a bright blue that couldn't be natural but couldn't be fake either.
"Are you okay?" His voice oozed with concern. He pushed my dark brown hair out of my face and behind my ear. His eyes searched my face to see if any harm was done. "I didn't mean to scare you."
I laughed slightly. "It's okay." I hadn't ever played and not known anyone was there. I bent down to pick up my guitar and bag, but he had already done it for me and held them out for me.
"I'm Eric by the way." He said to me, looking at me again as if making sure I really was okay.
"Emmaleigh." I whispered as I took my guitar and swung it over my shoulder.
"You sounded amazing!" He laughed but not to make fun of me, but as if he was sad he had disturbed me and wanted to hear more.
"Thanks..." I went to take my bag and he touched my arm and stared at it. He held it still in his hand gently and used the other hand to run his thumb up and down it.
"Did you do this..." He stated more then asked. I nodded even though he wasnt paying attention to my face anymore. "You're too pretty to hurt yourself like this."
I didn't respond. Did he just say I was pretty? No one had said that before, not even my own parents. I pulled my sleeve's back down as he continued to stare.
"Can I walk you to class?" He asked, tearing his eyes away. He looked at me hopefully and then took my hand, not waiting for an answer.
Like I had so many times before, I sighed. But this time it wasnt in pain, annoyance, or discomfort. It was in happiness. I had been saved. This one boy had decided to stay and listen to me play and saved me from possibly taking my life tonight...Caressing cold metal hearts
pressing it tenderly still
letting souls pulse against
wrapping your hand 'round
linking finger with trigger
wishing love never lived
wishing hate thrived longer
choking on pretty memories
sucking in shaky breaths
gripping gun to temple
tearing tears to shreds
envying your nightly bed
feeling every last bruise
holding your gun still
letting it touch temple
words pull the trigger
splattering blood on wall
love kisses your hatred
away with your bullet
your laughter should be silenced
your mouth should be shut
I'd love to call you a friend
and I would but
friends don't lie
friends don't cheat
I guess thats why I'm here
on the floor, beat
you never loved me
but I always loved you
I thought you were happy
then you struck with your shoe
you beat me to a pulp
left me blue and black
your laughter started with
a different letter in fact
your laughter was silent
it was solid and snide
as you hit me across the room
on the tile I slide
add an S to your laughter
slaughter all the day
the sirens signal they're coming
as I die, you run away. If I can't be myself, then who can I be? All you ever want is to tell me what to do, how to act, what to say. I don't seem to get much of a choice around here. I feel like someone is standing on my chest, not allowing me to breath my own air. If I can't be myself, then who can I be? I know I'm not the popular chick, I'm not the skank or the whore, I'm not cheer captain, and I'm not everyone's best friend. I may be the somewhat of a leader of the forgotten, but even they have rules. I'm not the prom queen, I'm not Miss America, I'm not even runner up. I'm a nobody, the last resort, the third wheel. If I can't be myself, then who can I be? People come and complain, because they just got dumpped... again. This is only thier twenty seventh relationship! Oh no! They're life is over! I havent had a guy like my in sixteen frickin years! I know that you know I'll listen to you vent, but I need some venting every once and a while also! If I can't be myself, then who can I be? Yes, It's great that you are MVP, amazing that your the "Spirit of Syracuse", utterly awesome that you are first chair. But, will you read something for me? ...later?... maybe?... I'll take that as a no. If I can't be myself, then who can I be? Will you please tell me? I'm sick of being pushed down because you think I can't get back up. That you believe one day I'll just give in, give out, give up. But I won't, because even though I'm not perfect, I'm not everything, I'm not you. I'm still me! and I'm in charge of my life!
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Posted: Fri Jan 16, 2009 2:42 pm
have you ever felt that urge
that overwhelming desire
to stand on the edge
the very deadly edge
of a building
with nothing in your head but
jump
jump
jump
wanting the wind caressing your face
smothering you as you
fall
fall
fall
gliding alongside death
linking hands as you skydive
towards the ground
no parachute to save you as you
dive
dive
dive
have you ever been shocked
wracked with the impulse
to step out of line
out of the 'safe' boundaries
onto a street
with nothing between the car and you but
air
air
air
wanting to feel that rush
of your life passing in from of you as you
think
think
think
tasting death's blood
congratulating you as you hurt
like nothing ever before
no CPR to save your
breath
breath
breath
have you ever wanted to take
take your very soul
out of your veins
veins that pool hatred
onto a letter
to the person who hurt you most as you
cry
cry
cry
wanting the blade to slice clean
through your skin that
hurts
hurts
hurts
cradling death in your breast
who is now him, him who hurt
hurt me like putting this blade
to my body to help
only ten times worse
and maybe he'll realize this
maybe... as I
die
die
die... I don’t understand Why music sounds so delicious Why rain smells so melodic Why light tastes like chocolate But most of all Why the sky bleeds every evening Why the wind screams in agony Why colors cry into one rainbow Why the sun stretches its arms so much What I understand most is Why children laugh tastes sweet Why smile’s last like pressed flowers Why every grain of sand is important Why snowflakes are all unique I Am
I am the last flower to bloom,
Suffocating on others experiences.
I am the afternoon of a day,
In between the annoying and rebellious hours.
I am a needle in a haystack,
Lost from the sower forever.
I am the early morning bird singing,
Whose sweet tune is never forgotten.
I am a fork at a dinner plate,
There, but not noticed till I’m gone.
I am an encyclopedia in a library,
Found only when in need.
I am a tear stained shoulder,
Never remembering myself.
I am the waves in a swimming pool,
Constantly effected by others.
I am the sweater on your back,
Keeping you warm and happy.
I am sprinkles on a cupcake,
Colorful, bright, and fun.
I am a lost soul in the dark,
Searching for a light source.
I am a raging storm of fear,
Bright flashes and loud banging’s.
I am needle and thread,
Stitching up broken hearts.
I am unafraid but scared,
And wont give up the fight. I skipped through the halls of my high school, Ridgeson High, happily. My hair was curled and bouncy around my shoulders as I ran a hand through it and giggled. People smiled and waved at me and my goofy smile I always had on. I was looking for someone as I pranced, my best friend, I had wonderful news to tell him.
His name was Scott Nelson, he was tall and lanky and very musical. We had been friends since before preschool and had lived close by each other since I first moved here sixteen years ago. He had been down lately, not very talkative, and I planned to cheer him up with the news I had.
“Hey Emmaleigh!” Called my friend Lindzee. “Have you seen Scott?”
I shook my head. “No, but I need to talk to him, so, if you see him tell him to come find me!”
I was an unusual girl; I’m not going to deny it. I wore anything I wanted and didn’t care what other people thought of my appearance. For example, today I was wearing a bright orange tank top with a torn black cap sleeve over it, my jeans were short shorts and I wore two different colors of knee socks; one black and white stripes, the other blue and green stripes. My shoes were black flats with orange dots on them. I also had my guitar that I took everywhere with me and completed my image with its silver coating splattered with neon paint.
The halls were growing more and more crowded by the second. There was still twenty minutes till school officially started. The office was calling random students down routinely for various reasons and people were making their reunion from the weekend. One announcement caught my attention.
“We need all faculty and staff and Miss Emmaleigh Kauffman down to the office. All faculty, staff, and Miss Emmaleigh Kauffman” I looked around, I was undoubtedly the only Emmaleigh Kauffman in the school, but still, why would I need to go to the office?
I turned around, towards the direction of the office, and slowly walked there. I really had no time for this, I needed to find Scott and tell him about the gig I got us in downtown in a local Artist’s Pub. Once I got there, several of the teachers were talking in low, shaky whispers to one another. Some glanced at me and I could see tears staining their eyes. One of the history teachers blew their nose loudly into a handkerchief. I cringed away reflexively.
“Emmaleigh” said Officer Wall, the school’s main cop. “Emmaleigh… I… I’m sorry…” I could see tear marks on his usually bright face, now pale through and through.
“What is it Officer Wall?” I asked nervously, shuffling my feet.
“Well…” he took a step towards me cautiously. In his hands was an envelope. Hands shaking, he stuck it out to me. “I’m so very sorry Emmaleigh….”
I took the envelope and eventually tore my eyes away from Officer Wall’s horror struck face to look at what he had given me. It was a simple long white envelope with a large black handprint on it and scrawled across the handprint in silver lettering was unmistakable handwriting that said my name. I ripped open the seam and pulled out a paper. It had more handprints on it in the black ink and a message written in the silver ink.
Emmaleigh,
Goodnight loving star shine, I pray you sleep tight. You’ll wake up with a smile, I’m sorry, so terribly sorry, that I’ll make it a frown… I always love to see you smile… I hope you never forget, as I bathe in my blood, that I love you very dearly Emmaleigh. No one but me will know what the silencing bang will mean tonight, but know that I have always loved you. You were always there, when other spat upon my failing efforts to rise up. You’re the only one who ever cared enough to be any kind of true friend, my love… I’m going to what I’ve heard is a better place, with fluffy clouds and lots of music. I’ll love you forever, through rain and sunshine… yes, forever… forever and a couple of days! Please don’t follow me, dear Emmaleigh, it’s not your time, but I’m making it mine. When ever you fear, of the world’s in-hounding presence, remember I’m watching over you, every millisecond of the day I’ll be there. I’m your guardian angel now, to return the favor of being mine while I take my life…
I love you Emmaleigh… Emmaleigh… I can’t stop saying your name over and over, the prettiest name ever… Emmaleigh… I miss you already… I love you…
Love Forever,
Scott.
P.S. …don’t come looking for me…
I read over the words several times, it didn’t make sense. The handwriting was obviously his, anyone could have seen that, but the words couldn’t be his! I looked up at Officer Wall, now staring at me with intent eyes that were flooding with tears. He reached out to touch me to make sure I was okay, but I stepped back away from him.
“Emmaleigh?” he asked carefully. “Emmaleigh, I’m sorry…”
“No…” I said my own voice shaky. “No. No. No!” I sounded like a little kid refusing a bath as I turned abruptly and started running towards the office door, past the blubbering teachers.
“Emmaleigh!” Called several of the people, reaching out to me with desperate arms in need of squeezing some reality into me with hugs.
“Stay away from me!” I screamed at them. I ran through A hall, B hall, C hall, and eventually wound up in the music and art hallway, deserted as always. The letter was clutched in my fist, paper wrinkling, as tears screamed their own song down my face. It wasn't true—couldn’t be true! Not in a million years! I dashed over to the nearest corner and sank into it. I curled yup into a ball and started to really sob. My head spun as I buried it into my knees that were bound tightly by my arms. “He’s not… not…” I couldn’t utter the word that seemed to be everywhere around me, glaring down at me with horrific clarity.
My mind went blank as I tried desperately to think of the last things I had said to scoot, the way I had said it, what we were doing—anything! But nothing came to my melting mind. Not in the least. I threw my head up in frustration and hit the locker behind me with a loud bang! I oddly didn’t feel pain, just a numbness that was creeping slowly into my head with every breath I took.
“Attention all students.” Officer Wall’s sorrowful voice came on over the intercom. I put my hands over my ears, but I could still hear him start talking. “I’m sorry to report that your fellow student, Scott Nelson, has committed—“
I started singing loudly at the top of my lungs the first song that came to mind, the same one I had listened to on the bus that morning. “Nah nah nah nah na nah nahhh! I wanna start a fight! Nah nah nah nah na nah nahhh! I WANNA START A FIGHT! So, so what?! I’m still a rock star!” the song by P!nk blasted through my body as my throat protested against the wail.
I sang the whole song before I dared to let my hands shakily relax over my ears. My hands shook as I removed them hesitantly. The letter was on the ground in front of me, staring at me with its presence as if searching my mind for the right memory. Then it came. Two nights ago, I had been hanging out at the park with a bunch of people form school. Scott one of them.
Scott took my guitar from me and started to play his absolutely favorite song, ‘Pork and Beans’ by Weezer. He sang out loud to it and I began to jam along with harmonies and flailing on my imaginary drum set.
“Hey Scott! Who sings that?!” called one of the boys that were in the large group of jocks.
“Weezer” Scott responded in one of the breaks.
“Ya? Well let them sing it!” the football players around the kid started laughing hysterically as Scott’s face flushed a beep angry red. Normally, he would have just smiled and laughed along, but he slammed his fists on my guitar and the jocks started laughing louder and making crude remarks.
“Scott, don’t listen to them” I encouraged.
“I’m sick of this Emmaleigh” he whispered harshly. “I don’t have any talents like you do, sure I can play the piano and the guitar, but no one even cares anymore! Not my family, not peers, no one!”
“Scott… I care!”I looked at him, slightly hurt. “Please don’t act this way”
He sighed long and painfully. “I know you care Emmaleigh… I’m going home, I’ll catch you later.”
“Oh, okay.” I responded, slightly confused. “But don’t do anything stupid without me!” I giggled at the inside joke between us.
“I’ll try not to…” he said without any hint of laughter in his voice.
My eyes welled with tears again. Don’t do anything stupid without me. Those were my last, final, uttered words I had said to Scott, the last time I saw him, the last time had to say a goodbye… and I made a stupid comment instead…
Don’t do anything stupid without me…
Don’t do anything stupid…
Stupid…
Stupid…
Stupid…
The words shot through my head like silver bullets puncturing its victim’s chest. I stood immediately and ran out of the closest double doors. I dashed down streets, not knowing exactly where I was headed till I was on his street. I sprinted up the walk of his house, jumping over a bicycle that lay a strewn in the middle of it. I didn’t take notice to the ambulance or police cars that were flashing their lights all around the house. I started banging desperately on the door.
“Scott! Scott! Answer the door! Scott! It’s Emmaleigh! Please! Answer the door!” my fist became numb against the cold wood. When it finally did swing open to a shocked police officer, I continued to slam my fist in the air, all the while screaming through my sobs. “Scott! Answer the door! Scott!!!” I couldn’t breathe as the officer tried to talk to me.
“Miss!” he said sternly and slightly worried about what was wrong with me. “Miss, please!”
“SCOTT!” I elbowed my way into the house past the police officer. I knew the layout by heart and didn’t need my eyes clear of tears to be able to see where I was running. I glanced in to see lots of people in the kitchen. I caught a glimpse of something red on the wall as I rounded the corner to go to his room—splatters of red. I screeched and ran up the stairs.
“Emmaleigh?! Officer Wall’s voice called after me. His footsteps pounded behind me.
“Scott!” I called through the halls upstairs. “Scott, stop playing this game! Where are you?!” I cried as I burst through the door to his room. “Scott?!”
His room was exactly like it always was, dirty clothes and CD’s were scattered in every place imaginable. The room had an ominous, cold feeling that sent crawling chills down every inch of my body. I crumpled to my knees amongst his attire and hugged myself to make up for his absence. “Emmaleigh!” Officer Wall exclaimed as he also reached the room. I ignored him.
“Scott… Scott… Where are you…? Scott… Scott…” I whispered to myself, I was slowly falling into a world where only his name mattered, nothing more. “Scott…”
“Oh Emmaleigh” Officer Wall said in a soothing voice, he hesitated a moment then knelt down and wrapped my in a hug. “I’m so sorry Emmaleigh…”
“He’s not gone” I assured myself more then him. “He’s just hiding… he would never leave me… never… never…”
**********
I hummed a tune that was prodding my mind as I hit some chords to match it. I didn’t have any lyrics for it quite yet, but Scott would no doubt think of some tomorrow. He always did. A silver Shelby pulled into the driveway and my mom and dad got out of the car. The both stopped at the sight of me singing happily on the front porch.
Dad had a confused look on his face and mom looked pained. “Hey mom! Hey dad!” I called to them. “How was your day?” I always asked this question to them when they came home form somewhere. I was an only child, an accident child, but still the love of their life.
“Eh… It was… Fine Emmaleigh… umm… how was yours?” dad asked hesitantly. He walked up to me and grabbed my bag and unlocked the front door.
“It was pretty fun” I mused. “Only Scott’s pissing me off! He’s decided to play this stupid hide and seek game and its very frustrating!” I smiled and followed dad into the house; he kept glancing back at me nervously.
“I guess that’s good to head” he said. He took my guitar and set it delicately on the stairs then turned to me. “Emmaleigh, are you sure your alright?”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “Of course! Why wouldn’t I be?” I walked to the kitchen and jumped up onto the island counter to sit. “So, what's for dinner?”
My parents exchanged a long look and then mom finally spoke. “What would you like to eat honey?”
“Anything?” I prodded, testing them.
“Yes, we can have anything that you would like for dinner.” Mom gushed.
I thought for a moment, bringing up my index finger to my mouth while thinking. “How bout… Ben and Jerry’s ice cream and animal crackers?”
“No problem-o!” dad exclaimed, “I’ll go to the store right now to get some.”
My mom gave him a look as if saying ‘don’t leave me alone’. But he was out the door after a swift kiss and whispered “good luck”
Mom stared at me for moment. Then came and sat next to me. We were almost an exact duplicate of each other, besides the fact that I was very free spirited; I got it from my dad.
“Honey, you don’t have to put on a show in front of us…” mom grabbed my hand. “Tammy called us today…” when she mentioned Scott’s mom’s name, I shifted happily.
“Oh! So did they find him?!” I asked excitedly. “It’s about time! I wonder how much trouble he’s in.”
Mom stared at me with amazement. “Oh, honey! Come here!” she wrapped me in an embrace, “I can’t imagine how hard this is for you…” tears streamed down the woman’s face. “Emmaleigh… he’s gone…” she whispered in a shaky voice.
I laughed at her. “Mom, don’t be ridiculous! Scott would never leave me.” I let go of her and wiped the tears off her face with my shirt sleeve. “Now, now mom. He’ll be back, I know he will.”
The time slipped away quickly, dad was back from the store with dinner in the plastic bags from Wal*Mart. “well, lets chow!”
We sat around the table in silence; I wondered why my parents were being so quiet. Dad finally spoke after shoving a huge spoonful of Americone Dream into his mouth. “So, Emmaleigh… what did you actually do at school today?”
“I ditched classes” I said casually “and when Scott’s done with his little hide and seek game, I have to tell him about this new gig I got us, its going to make us so big that we’ll be stalked by little twelve year old girls!” I chomped down happily on a handful of crackers and looked at my dad’s dace. “Dad what's wrong?”
“Emmaleigh” he said with sure authority and not a hint of falter. “Scott is dead.”
I didn’t know what happened, one second I was sitting, staring at dad; the next flashbacks zoomed through my head.
Don’t do anything stupid without me
Bathe in my blood
Don’t do anything stupid
Silencing bang
Stupid
Splatter of blood in the kitchen
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid
“Emmaleigh” dad said, standing at the same time I pushed my chair back with a loud clatter and ran from the room. I ran upstairs and locked myself in the bedroom. I scrambled through my bag and found the note Scott had written me. I opened my cell that was sitting on the nightstand and waited till it turned on.
I dialed the number quickly, I was confused, and I didn’t know what was happening. “He’s not dead. I know he isn’t. if he was then he wouldn’t answer his phone.” I spoke to myself, not very assuring.
I pressed the phone to my ear and listened to it ring; once, twice, three times until there was an annoying beep.
“Hi, you’ve reached the amazing Scott’s phone! Leave your name, age and color of shirt you’re wearing after the beep! Bye!”
I hung up and pressed redial. “Hi, you’ve reached the amazing Scott’s phone! Leave you’re name, age and color of shirt you’re wearing after the beep! Bye!”
“No!” I spat harshly. “He’s not gone!”
“Hi, you’ve reached the amazing Scott’s phone! Leave your name, age and color of shirt you’re wearing after the beep! Bye!”
I walked to my window seal, opened the window, and popped out the screen like I had too many times before. I sat on the roof facing the street and the front yard and dialed Scott’s number yet again.
“Hi, you’ve reached the amazing Scott’s phone! Leave your name, age and color of shirt you’re wearing after the beep! Bye!”
“Hi, you’ve reached the amazing Scott’s phone! Leave your name, age and color of shirt you’re wearing after the beep! Bye!”
“Hi, you’ve reached the amazing Scott’s phone! Leave your name, age and color of shirt you’re wearing after the beep! Bye!”
*********
Funerals. I hated all of them, so dull and anti-climatic. But especially this one I could not bare to endure. As I sat on the very last row of the church building, I listened without any intent to the service as it progressed.
“And now we will have a special musical number written by of Scott’s closest friends and presented by another friend of his…” said the priest before he reverently turned and sat back down behind the pulpit.
I heard my friend start to sing the song I had written in memory of Scott, but couldn’t muster the guts to actually sing it myself.
“Now that you’re done,
And now that you’re gone,
I cant look inside my mind to find you.
You seem so far,
You left me scars,
And you’re gone forever, now you’re only a letter.
I never got the time
I never had the place
To tell you I love you to your beautiful face.
My hearts aches so much
I miss you so much,
I’ll just try to live without you…”
The song was long and hurtful to no one but myself as I cried through my own lyrics as if they were written by Scott himself. I felt him near, but so very far away… never close enough…
Someone sat next to me softly. I didn’t look up to see, I already knew it was dad. He rubbed my back soothingly. I sobbed into my hands and laid down on his lap, I didn’t want to watch the rest of the session. It was a closed casket funeral… I didn’t even get to see Scott one last time… I didn’t wear the usual black that everyone else was clothed in. my shirt was a dark green, Scott’s favorite color, and my skirt was one Scott had told me I could never wear in public, but did anyways just to make him mad. It was pieces of random fabric hand stitched together in different yarns and threads.
When the time came, I let my dad pull me up and lead me out to the procession of cars waiting behind a hearse to go to the cemetery. I got in my parents car, the third one in line, and sat silently next to dad as we drove down the street.
I stood in front of the casket first, holding in my hand a single black rose. I set if down carefully on the black wood and stepped back on the damp grass. For a long moment I stared at it, not believing that Scott was really in there about to be buried six feet under. I turned and walked away slowly as other people placed red roses on top of my black one.
I sighed deeply; I knew it was going to be a hard day. Who wouldn’t have a hard day attending their love’s funeral? But… it was going to be even harder having to live without him forever…Even though…
There’s nothing to brighten my day
Everything seems so dark and damp
Frosting my mind
With things that are unreal…
I keep striving,
To smile a little
Laugh a little
And hope for the best.
Even though…
I’m failing school
Loosing friends left and right
Being sucked down under
The belt of unpopularity…
I keep striving,
To remember those close
Keep them as happy as I wish I were
Not letting anyone push me lower
Then I want myself to fall
Even though…
My life seems worthless
Trying to find a way to end it
But without hurting the one I love
Breathing in others air
To keep my heart beating…
I keep striving,
To wake up each morning
And smile at the world
And take a deep breath of my own.
Even though…
I’m the last on the team
The last resort
The one you just rant to
Because I don’t know what else to do
The one falling
For the peer pressure I’m constantly
Suffocating on…
I keep striving,
To stand up for my values
Live to the fullest
And smile as the last call
To listen to your problems
And help you through them
Just like I wish someone would help me.
Even though…
I’m lost
I keep striving,
To be found!The streets were rampaged by little kids everywhere. Us teenagers, too ‘old’ for trick-or-treating, threw toilet paper over the trees in the graveyard as we did every year. It was just another Halloween, nothing more then that. But tonight would be a night that haunted my dreams for ever…
“Kassy!” called my boyfriend, Jacob. “Lets go to a real haunted place!” him, along with all the other boys nodded in agreement to his own statement as I glanced nervously around at how the other girls would react. I wasn't one to get scared easily, but when Jacob wanted to do something scary, it usually was scary. Trish, my best friend, clutched my hand at the very thought of it.
“No” she stated. “We’ve had enough fun for one night!”
I rubbed her fingers before tearing them away and going to stand with the boys on the other side of the grave stone we were hovering over. “Sorry Trish, I do need some more excitement then trashing the graveyard…” I confessed.
She frowned and looked like she was about to cry for being abandoned. “Well… I guess it wouldn’t hurt me to get a little scared, right?” She walked over and took her boyfriends hand as our group started to walk out of the boring cemetery and down the street to a run down haunted house. The legends said that a girl was raped there and then later killed the man who did it in that very room he harassed her in. she haunted the house ever since, never allowing survivors of the people who ventured into its depths. HA! Yeah, right! Stories, that’s all they were, but the place was still creepy nonetheless.
“Scared?” Jacob whispered in my ear. He sent chills down my spine but I shook my head half heartedly. He kissed my neck and pulled my tighter to his body as we passed some little trick or treaters. We were close to the gates of the house now, the air went a good ten degrees chiller and I shivered. “Liar” he laughed. I pushed him away and wrapped my arms around myself as we stared through the rusty throng of metal that made up the entrance.
“Well,” piped up one of larger boys. “Lets just not stand here and freeze our asses off, let’s go in! Scare the broad who haunts this place!” he pushed through the gates that gave a horrendous quake as we all followed him in hesitantly. There was an ominous feeling about walking up the broken stone path. The towers stretched high above us and seemed to lick the sky with their spires. Layers and layers of cobwebs hugged the building and we brushed them aside to get to the front door.
“Ready!” called Greg, one of the braver few. “First one to scare the ghost silly wins! GO!” couples split apart in a flash. Jacob pulled my up a flight of unsure stairs.
“Where are we going Jacob?” I asked, not even caring really. Just wanting to get out of the house. He hushed me and pressed me against a wall as his lips formed to mine in passionate fury. I responded without thinking as my legs creped up his and my hand found its way up the back of his shirt.
“Jacob!” I gasped pushing him away. “What's going on?!”I didn’t want to stop, I never had with him, but I needed an explanation first.
“You told me” he said between kissing the bottom of my neck, working his way downward progressively. “That you wanted me” he kissed my chin, suddenly wanting my lips again; I gave them to him. “And you wanted it some place where everyone should know, but no one would know.” He was right. And the crazy thing was, I wanted him now more then ever.
I stepped to the right, leading us into a bedroom of some sort. We fell on the bed, him on top of me. He continued to caress my skin with his lips as I tore off his shirt and he slipped mine over my head. He wrapped his arms around me, kissing me more and more, trying and failing to undo my pants without getting distracted by my own kissing.
“Don’t hurt me” whimpered a voice from the corner. “Don’t hurt me… don’t hurt me…” at first I thought it was Jacob and he thought it was me, just playing a joke. I succeeded to get his belt off of his waist and twisted my fingers into his hair and pulled him closer to me. There was a loud scream from out side followed by snide laughter; no doubt someone had scared Trish. I laughed and continued to try and seduce my boyfriend.
“I love you Kassy” he said in a gasp between kisses. “I love you”
“Don’t hurt me…”
“I wont” he laughed, “I would never hurt someone I love!” I stopped pulling his pants off his waist and looked at his gorgeous blue eyes.
“I didn’t say that” I said. I looked around and saw someone standing in the corner of the room. I shot up quickly, hitting my head hard against his. I clutched my head as he cradled me in his arms.
“I’m sorry baby!” he apologized. I forced my eyes to glare past the tears that were forming, but saw nothing where it once had been. I closed my eyes and laid my head against his bare, warm chest.
“There was someone standing there” I whimpered, pointing an accusing finger to the corner. Jacob glanced up and froze. I looked and saw what he saw written in a dark red color across the pale blue wall.
‘Don’t hurt me… please… let me go… don’t hurt me…’
“Jacob, lets go!” I pleaded, trying to pull my shirt back over my head and shoved his into his arms as I stood from the bed and took his hand desperately. “Come on!” I finally got him to tare his eyes away from the blood stained wall and pull me into his grasp as we left the room. I started to cry hysterically. There was no way on earth or hell that the blood was there before.
“Shhhh” Jacob whispered in my ear, though I could sense panic in his own voice. How selfless, he was more concerned about how I felt before him. He led me back the way to where the stairs should have been, but there were only hallways that led nowhere. We were lost. Lost.
“Jacob?” I asked, posing the question of where we were in only one word. He held me tighter as we walked through the maze of hallways.
I pressed my hands over my ears as a terrible voice screamed out. “Don’t hurt me!” then there was an all too familiar scream from the doorway to the left. Several familiar screams. I covered my face into Jacob’s body as he opened the only doorway in the hall and gagged at what lay inside. I looked against my better judgment and gasped, almost fainting at the very sight.
We had been with six other people that night. Hanging out as any high school seniors do on Halloween. But now, there lay my six friends… or… what was left of them… They were all suspended a good three feet in the air, their arms in a pile on the ground, bits and pieces of their faces like noses and eyes were put in a message on the ground. ‘Don’t hurt me’. I cried out and Jacob pulled me out of the door. Slamming the door shut behind him. We stood in the hall as he tried to calm me.
I slid to the floor. Everything had been so perfect no more then two minutes ago… now… everyone was dead! “Jacob!” I screamed, not out of fear, but out of desperation to loose myself into his body to be safe and forget everything that was happening.
“Don’t hurt me! Jacob! Don’t hurt me! Kassy! Don’t hurt me!” Screamed a childish girl’s voice. There was a menacing cackle behind me, but I didn’t look, only hugged myself into a tighter ball in Jacob’s lap. I made the worse mistake ever and tried to look at Jacob, only instead catching a glance of a girl in torn clothes standing mere feet away from us, crying hysterically. “Don’t hurt me Jacob! Don’t hurt me Kassy!”
“Go away!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. “Go away!”
“Don’t hurt me!” She screamed again. I looked up to see her run at me with a battle cry and a knife with fresh wet blood dripping off of it gripped into her ghostly hand.
“I love you!” I screamed at Jacob before I felt a horrific pain in my side, the last feeling I ever felt.
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Posted: Fri Jan 16, 2009 2:49 pm
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