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 Posted: Mon May 04, 2009 12:19 pm
Things have become really bad in my life, and it's become hard to keep pushing through it all.
I can't find work anywhere, my boyfriend was deployed to Iraq, my grandma passed away, and just yesterday my mom broke her arm and has to have surgery today. This has all happened in the past few months. It's just become so hard to keep my chin up, and to keep smiling. I give a lot of my being able to stay strong to my friends, because they've really been there for me. It's just, things really are not ok, and they haven't been for a long time.
No one understands how I feel. I know people have gone through what I've gone through, even worse, but people fail to realize that things aren't as simple as "Oh, everything's alright, you just have to keep going" because some times I don't, I really don't want to keep going. I'm not as strong as you, and I can't handle it like you can. I'm weak, and I just can't anymore, I just can't. I don't know, I don't expect anyone to read this, or to even care. I just needed to vent because I feel like I'm going to explode. I've started smoking again, that's how bad things have gotten. I haven't smoked in at least a year. *sigh* I just don't know anymore, I'm just so lost.
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Posted: Mon May 04, 2009 4:33 pm
I know what it's like to think everything will not be okay again. A half a year ago, I had a conflict with my stepfather, which is putting it VERY lightly. But let's just say I almost jumped off a humongous parking garage. I thought it was the perfect way to die. Just a split second of pain, and then there would be the sweet feeling of never having to deal with it anymore followed by darkness. I'm not afraid to die. I believe in reincarnation, and that everyone gets the same treatment after death. But I didn't jump because I knew I hadn't exhausted all my options. I was planning to run away with my dad. And I'm so glad now that I didn't give up then. When I was at home, especially when I was alone with my stepdad... I felt like my life was going to be hell, worse than death. I thought I would be forced to do everything that that monster told me to. And I still had 2 years to wait until I was a legal adult. It was the worst feeling of my life. I couldn't focus on anything else, I was always anxious. But I feel so lucky. I'd been talking to someone in the health center at my school. Well, she could tell something was seriously wrong. And she told me if it's as bad as she thought it was and I told her, she could make sure I would stay in a safe house until my stepfather was out of the house, and I'd never have to see him again. Even though I was scared to death of him, and I was so convinced something would go wrong, and he'd try to hurt me when he found out, I told her. And I didn't ever see him again after that. I have a restraining order against him now, and I'm finally living like a normal kid. To some people my life might be boring and plain, but I know what a blessing it is.
I just want to say, even when things seem like they'll never get better, life goes on, and even if you don't try anymore, eventually things will come to a point where you don't have to work so hard anymore. I know that bad times suck, but they make you appreciate the good times so much more.
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Posted: Mon May 04, 2009 7:07 pm
Thank you, I really appreciate your response. As I type this, I'm on the hospital's computer. I've been here all day, and I've had a lot of time to think. I'm trying my best with what I have, but it's very hard. I want everyone to know I am trying to stay happy go lucky me, but it's hard sometimes to be postive when the world is working so hard to kill that part of you. All I can do is hope things will get better.
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Posted: Tue May 05, 2009 4:13 pm
Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm a very optimistic person. I believe there's ALWAYS a way out. Maybe it's not the one you want, but when you're in drastic times, you're willing to go farther. Anyways, even though overall I'm optimistic, there are still times when I doubt the world and I get depressed...
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