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a poem that came to me while sitting at subway

Tink_Bel

Lonely Creature

16,450 Points

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Posted: Sun May 10, 2009 5:16 pm

The shadow stalks me from up there
The crunch of my feet is the only sound
On the back of my neck I feel its glare
And that's when my heart starts to pound

I hear it coming and I pick up speed
The creature lets out a horrible shriek
That's when my foot hits a weed
I fear my life is at its peak

I turn around as the creature asends
I try to run but its too late
The creature catches me and I'm at a dead end
I close my eyes and wait for my fate

In hope to hold it back, I put up my arm
But it all fades as I'm saved by the distant alarm

Posted: Sun May 10, 2009 7:11 pm

Interesting, I liked how the ending might imply that it was a nightmare. It was really cool to read, flowed nicely.

Mia_MaxRide

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Tink_Bel

Lonely Creature

16,450 Points

Offline

Posted: Mon May 11, 2009 3:31 pm

thank you!

Posted: Mon May 18, 2009 1:29 pm

Quote:

The shadow stalks me from up there
The crunch of my feet is the only sound
On the back of my neck I feel its glare
And that's when my heart starts to pound

I hear it coming and I pick up speed
The creature lets out a horrible shriek
That's when my foot hits a weed
I fear my life is at its peak

I turn around as the creature ascends
I try to run but it's too late
The creature catches me and I'm at a dead end
I close my eyes and wait for my fate

In hope to hold it back, I put up my arm
But it all fades as I'm saved by the distant alarm

Just a few little mistakes, but nothing too bad.

I really like this piece, it has an interesting idea. Some of the rhymes feel a bit forced though, like you had to really think of what to put there.