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Vampire Dreams

Preface

Oerba Dia Vanira
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Posted: Sat May 16, 2009 4:39 pm

Preface

I died earlier this morning. But I am still alive, I think.
Let me explain before we jump the gun here. Something happened to me the other night. Something I don’t really remember and don’t know how to explain. It is even hard to understand as I relate it here.
Something that turned me into a vampire.
And it happened in the bathroom of a movie theatre. I am a creature of the darkness now.
The ones I have always read about from Anne Rice books and saw on T.V when I was little. Like the old Dracula movies with Lon Chaney or the new ones with Gary Oldman. It was all too good to dream about if someone told me earlier that I would be one today. Now that’s its here, though, I see that it wasn’t as exciting as I had imagined.

Posted: Sat May 16, 2009 5:02 pm

Okay, probably the hardest part of my story to revise, the preface!
It tells everyone and the first part the reader will read.
Due to the numerous compilents, I omitted the 'My name is...' part, becuase yes it was cliche and its the most common writer's trap. I don't know how I could have missed that over year when I started but I feel so stupid right now......
Now, opnions on the opening. Should I note Anne Rice and should? Or is that too reherse?

Oerba Dia Vanira
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lola s

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Posted: Sat May 16, 2009 5:26 pm

I like it, espically where kate questions herself about being alive. But as I reread it, I think you should have a better transition for the second sentence instead of the word "okay". Also when you say "Something turned me into a vampire" It kind of over uses the word something in my opinion, like maybe you should say like... "He turned me that night. Into a creature of darkness, a vampire." i think the refrence to Anne Rice and the other things are good, like a little background on the character. Also one grammar mistake, you put news instead of new in the ninth sentence, lol understandable. Other then those few things it's pretty good, in my opinion.

Posted: Sat May 16, 2009 5:37 pm

thanks, that was pretty helpfull.
I think what I might do is edit the changes that need to be needed in the first box, so people dont repeat the same thing.
But give me few to work on it and I should make some remends

Oerba Dia Vanira
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Oerba Dia Vanira
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Posted: Sat May 16, 2009 8:18 pm

Eventhough I did like your idea, I don't know if it was in my style to write it. But how does it read it now?

Posted: Fri Jun 05, 2009 11:24 am

It is really nice but it pretty much spills out everything. You should get the reader wondering so you shouldn't have added that it turned her to a vampire, you should make the reader wondering what she got turned it to so they can read the rest of their story to replenish their thirst. So don't add the vampire part.

Lovely So

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Oerba Dia Vanira
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Posted: Fri Jun 05, 2009 12:15 pm

I think the title itself gives it away more....like most vampires books.

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