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 Posted: Sat Jun 06, 2009 10:10 am
Perception altered in
a fantastic reign
of wonder
A mirage, encircling the
twisted mind
consumed by a tragic
fealty, reality
foresakes
Its withering embrace.
A whispering inhibition
returnes to massacre
the rising caress of the
soul
Foresaken, the hope to
feel a tender
Racing of the blackest
blood,
Entices demons for
devouring
The lustless heart.
Surrender.
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Posted: Sat Jun 06, 2009 10:21 am
There's some very good imagery in here, I like it overall. I do have a suggestion about the flow of it though, you have the whole disjointed flow going on here, and I'm actually a big fan of disjointed poetry. I thought that this was a bit too jerky though, like I was driving while stuck in a traffic jam, one moment goign forward, then having to stop suddenly. I feel that it somehow takes away from the sense of satisfaction a poem should induce, like the traffic jam left me stuck, and it never cleared up. If you made it so that there were some lines that flowed smoothly, and then some where they stopped suddenly, it would have much more of an impact.
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Posted: Tue Jun 09, 2009 7:45 pm
crimson,
The very first time I read through your poem I thought, "wow, it's amazing" and unlike Stelle I've never been the biggest fan of disjointed poetry, in the past it has even annoyed me a bit. When I read through it again, keeping in mind the way you are supposed to read poetry (by breaking for the right amount of time after punctuation and at the start of each new line) I could see what Stelle was saying.
You did an amazing job with the use of imagery and I don't know if this is the effect you were going for or not but I got the impression that I was being taken inside of the mind of an insane or even a manic individual. The way you ended it was perfect, there was all of this imagery all of these ideas compiling on top of one another and then all of a sudden it stopped with, 'Surrender'.
Well done.
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