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 Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 12:15 pm
"Happiness is like peeing in your pants..."
I recently became friends again with my old editor which really got the creative juices flowing...
Until I noticed that everything I had done in the past year on my laptop was gone... burning_eyes
So we started a new story... It's a fanfiction with OCs, so if you don't like that stuff, its okay... you don't have to read it.
I'll be posting the chapters here and on Fanfiction.net....
Be Warned! This is rated T for Teen! If you're not okay with blood and gore (though I'm not terribly fond of it either so there won't be much), you probably shouldn't read...
xd "...Everyone else can see it, but only you can feel the warmth."
"What is a Taco Ranger? Click here and find out."
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Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 12:29 pm
Disclaimer: I don't own Trinity Blood, which this story takes place, nor to I own Majin Tantei Nougami Neuro or Psyren (I borrowed some elements from them, maybe a legion of bad guys...). I do own Gray (until her real name is revealed, that is what she's called), Jaz, Jen, Jim, and the amazing Sain. Flashback'Thoughts'Sound effects_________________ Prologue
She couldn’t breathe! Her fingers tried to pull the cord from her throat as his reflection in the glass table top started to go out of focus. The glare from the light made his eyes unreadable, but he still wore the smile he had when they had first met, as he choked the life from her. Her own reflection showed her face turning blue as she lost oxygen, her vision quickly closing-
HOOOO! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!The train jerked to a stop and her gray eyes opened to a pair of wide and startlingly lime green eyes staring into her own.
“You were having that nightmare again.”The green eyed woman said as she sat up. She was small to be in her late teens but Gray knew better. The heart shaped face of Green eyes tilted slightly. “So you just watched me have a nightmare?” Her eyes, not as wide as her friend’s, narrowed and her ovalish head mocked Green’s tilt.“Well, I was going to wake you, but Jaz said not to because you hadn’t been getting a lot of sleep lately, and then Jen said that sleeping through a nightmare was worse and then Jim said that we should start getting you sleeping pills… or therapy. And then we all argued about how bad therapy would be…”Gray eyes listened to Green as she went through the conversation she had with her three ‘friends’ and then started a new one about how she wasn’t telling the old one right.
“Nooo, Jaz. You said- don’t interrupt me when I’m talking!”
“Sain?”
The Green eyed girl turned, her long black hair getting in the way.
“No, I’m not going to cut it-““Sain?” Gray said again, getting Sain’s attention.
“Yesh?”Gray stood up to pull a bag down from above their heads in the cabin before pulling out a comb. “How long ‘til?” She asked as she began combing Sain’s insanely hair.Sain got quiet for a moment, her full lips pursed together, before answering. “A little bit after the next stop.”The train started again as Gray eyes began braiding, the black hair contrasting against Gray’s pale skin( but not as white as Sain’s nearly translucent skin). “Well then, lets hope we have enough time to get off the train before it happens… whatever it is.” The sun disappeared behind a cloud as the train carried off the two girls to their location… so they could stop the deaths of millions of people. ____________ (has more, but will not post anything until at least one review....>.>)
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Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 3:02 pm
Well, nice way to cut at the end there. You leave it so that the reader is left wondering, "So how do they save all those people? How... and why?" These are questions a reader will want answers, so they will keep reading.
I also like how you give your characters unique individual traits. - the green eyes girl - etc.
Also, the whole thing with being on the train got me thinking of Galaxy Express 999.
Okay, here's you first review. Post more please ninja
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Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 3:45 pm
Because it's you Sephy, I will... you get it a whole day early!! ^.^ I'll color code it later... I have to go get shots... crying ____________________ Chapter 1
Watch Your Step The water in the facet was too cold for her liking but she didn’t want to wait any longer for it to heat up. The train was due in fifteen minutes and if Sain was right (and she always was), they would have less than a minute to-
The train was picking up speed. Make that less than ten…nine? She was never good with timing.
She slashed the water in her face and into her hair before shaking like a dog. Her brown hair fluffed up after she took a towel to it and when she ran a comb through the pixie length locks, she called it done. The water dripped down the back of her neck, making her shiver. Her arms wrapped her, admittedly small, bust. She made a dismayed face as she tugged on the waist band of her jeans. She had lost weight during her last-CRASH!“JAZ! STOP IT!”Gray eyes sighed before opening the door. ‘Jaz’ had knocked over one of their suitcases, spilling Sain’s stuff everywhere. Sain was picking through them as she tried to find an outfit. “You’re still not dressed?” Sain stuck her tongue out at Gray eyes before continuing her search.
“You’re pestering me while wearing that?” Gray looked down at what she wore, a faded gray tank top and jeans over combat books.
“What’s wrong with it?” Sain opened her mouth to give 40 plus reasons before Gray cut her off. “Never mind, no one will see it with the trench coat over it. And no,” She started again as Sain’s mouth remained opened. “I’m not getting rid of my coat.” She bent over to start putting things away, afraid someone might stick their head in their compartment and make a ruckus. She had a moment of panic when one of the ‘toys’ Sain had was missing a pin, but then found the Acme sticker on it. The trained slowed as it arrived at Sants Estacio’s Platform 3 in route to Rome. Sain pulled on her clothes (Gray begged her not to wear her usual style of dress, saying it was too heavy) and her ridiculous multi-colored top hat, stuffing her braided hair inside before holstering her ‘fifth best friend’, Vera, and a long coat, far more stylish than Gray’s blue trench. Gray eyes scrambled to finish putting her wig and scarf on to obscure her face. Sunglasses went on both of them before they picked up their luggage and left the compartment, shoving their way through the crowd.
“There’s a fire alarm switch on the wall over there.” Gray eyes pointed so Sain knew which direction. “Pull it and then get out.” She reached into her pocket to pull out a cylindrical device that fit in her gloved palm. “If anyone asks, 128 seconds.” Sain said as they tensed for the opening of the doors. “3, 2-” The doors opened and the two girls slipped through before Gray eyes pushed the button on the top of the mysterious device. The doors slammed shut before deadlocking. No one was leaving the train after them. Everyone on the train was safe. Gray pocketed the device, picked up Sain’s luggage, side stepped, and then dropped them on the floor.Sain raced to the end of the platform, launching herself over the turnstiles before breaking open a glass box on the wall with her elbow. She pulled the fire alarm as one of the security guards approached Gray eyes.Gray had not moved an inch after she dropped the luggage. People knew something was wrong, whether it was the unmoving woman in suspicious clothing, the fire alarm going off or the train full of people trying to get off and failing, Gray didn’t much care. They were leaving.“Miss, can I help-”She turned to look at him, her sunglasses making her gray eyes seem black. “I have a bomb.” She said it louder than she needed too, assumedly to be heard over the alarm, and more people rushed out of the station.“WHAT?!” He seemed flabbergasted for a moment before pulling out his gun and aiming it at her. “How long-”“128 seconds and counting… I would run if I were you.” She turned to the people closest to her, too terrified to run. “And could you do it without screaming? I don’t need the headache.”________________________________________ Meanwhile, Sain had dashed out of the platform, almost glad she had let Gray talk her into wearing her old (and very unfashionable) t-shirt and jeans (the jeans had to rolled up because of their height difference) and began to pass an old man when-
“YOU?!” She pointed at him; he ignored her.
Which was one of his many mistakes.Sain’s fist connected with the old man’s face, sending him back into the ‘safe zone’. “YOU B*****D!!” She pulled the tie on her coat, revealing her AK-47, aka, her ‘fifth best friend’. “THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!” People were streaming past her, some screaming about a ‘Bomb’, the alarm making it hard to hear..“Um, excuse me, Miss?” Sain turned to the speaker. It was a man- Tall man (all men seemed to be tall to her) - with long silver hair and glasses. He was dressed in a priest’s cassock and a gun was in his hand, but he held his hands up in a surrendering gesture. “That man is my- Huh?” He blinked and pulled down one of his hands to wipe his nose. The fingers came away bloody. “Abel-” A black haired woman raced toward them, a group of men in hot pursuit.Ding! Sain’s mental clock hit zero. “Oh snap- HIT THE DECK!” She dove to her belly as cracks appeared in the floor. The black haired woman tripped over one of them before the silver haired priest pushed her to the ground and covered her. The cracks seemed to spread and vibrate before their eyes.________________________________________ The Gray eyed woman waited until everyone was headed toward the exit before running too, her legs pumping as she felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand up one by one. Cracks began appearing in the floor as the feeling of doom settled over her. A teen tripped over one of the cracks, nearly falling on his face before Gray eyes caught him- and the ceiling came down.
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Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 4:57 pm
*claps exceitedly* This is fun to read. Thanks for posting it. ^_^
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Posted: Sat Aug 15, 2009 3:59 pm
Words in bold are taken straight from the book... _______________________ Chapter 2
Marsquakes? “Th-this is…?”
Then, the very air howled.
A thrumming noise rumbled, vibrating through their bodies and something violently shook the corridor. The floor twisted; the windows burst. They could hear the sound of tremors causing pillars to crack. Suddenly, the walls trembled like living things.
“Earthquake?” The black haired woman murmured. The old man started to whimper.“Keep your head down! Please, lie flat!” The silver haired Priest began as plaster started to fall on his head. Suddenly the old man dashed to his feet and ran into the ‘danger zone’. “Hey! Wait!” “Oh, he’s dead now.” Sain said from where she lay on the floor. 3, 2,- “It’s too late.”The shaking continued as though it would last forever, though in reality it lasted about thirty seconds. Suddenly, the earth tremors became inaudible. The vibrations stopped as quickly as they had started.“That was a big earthquake.” The Priest said as he started to rise again. Sain snorted, causing him to look at her. The alarm had died, possibly the quake broke something. Suddenly she had a question. “Do they have earthquakes on mars? Do they call them Marsquakes?”His eyes- the color of a winter lake- widened. “Excuse me-?”“It’s strange.” The dark haired woman didn’t hear their conversation as she peeked through a broken window. The Priest turned to her, but kept looking back at Sain. The streetlights in the city still were shining, and the carriages and automobiles came and went normally. There wasn’t a single broken branch among the green trees lining the roads. Passersby were shouting to each other excitedly and pointing at the station.“It seems like this building was the only one affected,” the woman said. Sain rose to her feet and began brushing off her outfit. “That’s crazy! If that wasn’t an earthquake… That’s it! Barrie!” Having remembered his duty at last, the Priest sprang up. He stumbled over the cracks in the floor as he made his way to the exit.
He pushed open the doors. “Eh?” From where Sain was shaking her coat, he seemed to freeze, staring at where the platform should have been.The last train to Rome should have been there: passengers should have been scurrying to board as family members wished them goodbye. Instead, there were the ruins of a fallen ceiling and a single red pool of blood leaking from the mountain of garbage closest to the door. But that wasn’t all. On the very top of the biggest pile of rubble was a woman with straight, hot pink hair, her eyes and mouth obscured by sunglasses and a scarf. Under her arm was the scared teen, his pants wet from his near death experience. Sants Estacio’s Platform 3 had been destroyed. The silver haired man stared for a moment, dumbstruck as Gray eyes carefully made her way down the rumble. “YOU B***H!” The security guard from earlier was back. “Your bomb-”“Fugly man, did that feel like a bomb to you?” Sain asked him. He turned to back talk her and was greeted with the muzzle end of Vera.“Wha?!” The Priest was still a little shocked, trying to put the pieces together. “Wait- Wha? Bomb?”“Abel!” The black haired woman called as the men who chases after her before, old man’s goons, scurried off. “Where’s Barrie?”Gray pointed to the pile where the blood was coming from. “Sorry, couldn’t get to him in time while carrying him.” She dropped the teen when she reached the floor; he curled into a ball before sobbing. Gray made her way to the luggage, picked them up and started walking back. Sain would never forgive her if she left them behind.One of the other guards pointed his gun at Sain. Which was a big mistake. Worst than Barrie ignoring Sain.Gray walked toward the guard with the gun, her hands occupied with the suitcases, ignoring the Priest as she walked past. “Hey! That’s close enough! Don’t come any closer or I’ll shoot.” He warned. Sain kept her gun on the first guard who insulted Gray.Gray dropped the bags and placed her hands in her pockets. She gave a soft smile before hairline but deep cuts appeared, seemingly by magic, on the guard. He cried out as blood sprayed upward and he crumbled in pain. The cuts were deep and painful, but not life threatening.The station stared in disbelief. “Where to next?” Sain asked, as if this happened every day. “To Jail!” The black haired woman said, taking her stance as she faced Gray. Gray, for her part, looked totally relaxed. “Miss Noélle, I don’t think-” The Priest finally came back to himself. “You will die.” Sain suddenly said. She said it with such clarity that all turned to her. She was looking straight at Noélle.“In seven days?” Gray asked. Beneath her scarf she smiled slightly, making light of the situation. Sain turned to look at her. “Nope, tomorrow… She’ll be looking for something….” She faded away, as though she lost her train of thought. “And then the ceiling will fall on her?” Gray gestured to the sky with her head, the ceiling of the platform gone.“Ahhh… yesh. That’s exactly what happens?” Sain blinked, as though suddenly unsure.“Wh-what makes you think that?” the Priest asked softly. The platform was eerily quiet. Sain bit her lip and looked down in thought, then lowered her gun and placed her free hand on her hip, turning her head to the ceiling. It was hard to take her seriously with her child-like looks. “Uhhh….”“Call it a hunch.” Gray answered. “I think Dominic Pharmaceuticals ooooooorrr…” She blinked as if unsure. “Huh?... uh, another place?” Her tone told that she probably smiling nervously under her scarf. “‘Another place’? Useless!” Sain yelled at Gray. Gray mocked being hurt by the other girl’s words as she picked up their belongings again. “Well memorizing is HARD!! You don’t do it!” The tone of the situation had turned from deathly serious to something akin to whining over a favorite toy.“We should leave.” Sain said suddenly. “Now is good-”“Oh no you-” Noélle and security moved to stop them, but the two women were just an instant quicker. Sain leapt at Gray, who caught and threw her over her shoulder before running, jumping and climbing through the rubble of Sants Estacio’s Platform 3. The security guards quickly fell behind due to being inactive and Noélle because of bad footing. Gray quickly vaulted the wall; her last glimpse of the ruined station was of the silver haired Priest staring up at her.She landed on a Taxi that was driving by. The driver pulled to a stop when he heard the ‘thud’ of their landing and they quickly jumped off. “Hey-” Gray handed him a fist full of bills and climbed into the cab after tossing in Sain. “Cheap hotel please.” She said as she climbed in.
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Posted: Sun Aug 16, 2009 11:27 am
"Happiness is like peeing in your pants..."
-Poisyn's creative demons flail about as they starve to death-
crying crying crying crying
xd "...Everyone else can see it, but only you can feel the warmth."
"What is a Taco Ranger? Click here and find out."
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Posted: Mon Aug 17, 2009 1:59 pm
For a minute, "handed him a fistful of bills" looked like "filled him with a fistful of bullets", which didn't make sense to me. razz
Its sad that Noélle dies in TB crying
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Posted: Mon Aug 17, 2009 8:05 pm
Poisyn, you're creative demons deserve nom noms!!
This reads pretty well. You get straight to the point. Your word choices are meaninful, variable and non-repetitive, which keeps it fresh. 3nodding
I think it was the first impression I got earlier. But as I read this, the whole thing plays in my mind like something from the Harlock Saga XD. To include the animation, lol.
I think your strongest suit here is dialogue. The things these people say to one another really keep the story alive, and interesting at the same time.
KEEP IT UP!
We loves your work, and your demons! twisted Bwahahaha!
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Posted: Mon Aug 17, 2009 10:25 pm
Chapter 3
Buildings: B is for Breakable “Aren’t you the least bit worried about that prediction?” Abel asked after he swallowed before stuffing his face full again. He’d stuffed so much paella in his mouth that his cheeks puffed out. He grasped forkfuls of grilled sausage in each hand. In addition, there were five lunch sets lined up on the narrow table. (Inside the shop, the waitresses dressed in colorful folk costumes were watching him anxiously.) No matter how sincere his expression, it was very hard to take him seriously.“Not a bit.” Noélle said defiantly. The two had followed the mysterious girls until late that night. They didn’t go to Dominic Pharmaceuticals like they said they were. Nor did they stay in the cheap hotel that the taxi driver had dropped them off at. “The two probably wore wigs. Just take off their scarves, glasses and other outer clothing and they could be anywhere.” She paused as she took a bite of the baked bread before continuing. “The police investigation didn’t find any trace of an explosive device. They say what happened was in line with the station building’s age…. Abel, are you listening?”“Of course I’m listening, Sister Noélle…” He paused as he looked off into the distance. “If those girls hadn’t been there, what would have happened?”Noélle hesitated before answering. “Because of their bomb scare and whatever they did to the train,” the train had been delayed for an hour as they cut new doors into the steal. Whatever they had done to the doors made it nearly impossible to open them again, “may have actually saved around 200 people.”‘Two hundred lives, two hundred minds, two hundred-’ Abel shook his head to get out of his sobering thoughts. “So they’re not bad guys?”“They ran.” Noélle pointed out, both with her words and her fork. “That at least makes them suspicious.”“Whatever happened to ‘innocent until proven guilty’?” Abel countered, expertly peeling the shrimp simmering in the steaming broth. “You just like them because they saved everyone.” The AX (the Vatican City’s Foreign Affairs) ex-agent once known as Mistress smiled knowingly.“Well, they did take a great risk themselves-”“Enough!” She glowered at him. “A girl doesn’t like it when she isn’t the center of attention.” She said with a wink. “Especially when the subject of the conversation is another girl!” Then she became serious. “They did have the right idea though. What happened yesterday has happened 5- 6 if you count yesterday- times in the last 2 weeks. All of those hit were against Dominic Pharmaceuticals.”“So you think that there’s some connection?”“Maybe.” Noélle tilted her head slightly and rested her chin on her laced fingers. She spoke in an angry tone, which was rare for her. “What’s the modus operandi? There were no traces of explosives, and these incidents weren’t earthquakes. Whatever they used to make a single large building collapse-”
“And who’s the criminal? The prime suspect is Barrie, but if we believe the two girls,” he didn’t have to elaborate who he was talking about, “then he was killed yesterday.”“There lies the problem…”
‘I heartily agree.’Noélle sighed before continuing. “Maybe we should follow the girls’ schedule. I think I’ll show my face at the company. If I try fishing around in the director’s office, something might come up.”The two argued for a little longer about which one of them should really go before Noélle won. As the voluptuous nun walked away with the serious expression of a capable career woman, and left the restaurant in a rhythmic, no-nonsense stride, she had no idea what was about to befall her teammate… or herself.________________________________________ Gray eyes sneezed right before slashing water on herself. She grimaced as the water flew were she didn’t want and toweled off her face and hair.“You’re getting si~ick.” Sain said in a sing-song voice, drawing out the ‘I’ in ‘sick’. The small girl was laying upside down on the bed, glad to be back in her ‘normal attire’: her gothic style short dress, complete with petticoats earned her many looks; which just made it easier for them to do their job… most of the time. “Nah, only one sneeze… someone’s probably talking about me.” Gray said as she started combing her hair. Sain hopped off the bed and started tugging on Gray’s waist band.
“Do my hair next! Do mine-!?” She looked down in shock at how wide the pants were on her friend. “Mar-!”Gray sighed. “I know! I know!”“You’re already too skinny.” Sain reached up and poked Gray in the chest. Gray ‘eeked’ and jumped back from the ‘pervy Lolita’. “You’re going to turn into a washboard at this rate! Look!” Sain lifted both arms over her head and turned to give a better profile. “Mine are already bigger.”Gray sweat dropped. “Yes, and I’m the Pope’s mother.” She scowled at the tiny girl before pointing to the bed. “Get over there or I won’t do your hair!”Sain gave a small shriek before running and jumping on the bed. Gray grimaced before taking a safety pin and making the waistband of her jeans comfy to her again.
“Now,” she said as she traveled the lush carpet of their penthouse to her friend’s bed. “How do you want it?”________________________________________ The withered doorman of Dominic Pharmaceuticals smiled as Noélle approached. Most men did.
“Good afternoon, Señora Bor.”“Good afternoon, Señor Will. How many times must I tell you to call me Noélle?”Will smiled again as he opened the door. ________________________________________ -“Do you read me?”- Gray tapped one of the studs in her ears. -“Yesh.”- Sain’s voice was clear, even though there was a building between them. From the sound of her breathing, she was probably still on her way to the roof.-“You have Red Queen, yes?”--“Of course! Jim wouldn’t let me leave without it!”-Gray smirked. And suddenly frowned. Her sigh was audible.-“Ere?”--“That girl from yesterday…”--“The dark haired chica?”- Sain sighed. –“She’s there.”- It was a statement, not a question. –“I don’t suppose we could let her di-”--“Does she seem familiar to you?”--“Ere? Oh! Opening in 3, 2,”-Gray dashed forward and slipped through the door while the doorman was opening the door of a car. The easy part was over.________________________________________ The fire alarm was going off. She had no idea why because her third eye didn’t see any fire, nor did she smell any smoke. She continued to look through the stack of papers without hesitation. “Noélle, get out of the city!” Noélle was looking through some plans that she had pulled out of the safe. Abel’s voice was shouting in her ear, though he was really miles away. “Noélle! The city is in danger!”“Wait, there’s one more page from the plans,” Noélle said, reaching for said page and holding it to her face. “No way, that building is-”“Never mind that! Hurry, get out of here!”“Why are the plans in a place like this? Listen, Abel! Now-” Noélle’s breathless voice was suddenly cut off. The building began to quake around her, a repeat of what happened yesterday at the train station.“You will die.”“Oh my Lord!” Noélle sent a prayer up to heaven as she dashed through the door- and suddenly knew no more as she was struck in the head with a piece of the falling ceiling.________________________________________ Noélle Bor was six when her house burnt to the ground. That incident had changed her life forever. There was a serial arsonist on the loose in her hometown, but she didn’t think that her house would be the next target.
And never on the night she wasn’t supposed to be home.
She huddled in the corner of the tile tub, unsure if her parents knew she was there as flames consumed the door to the bathroom. She’d probably die from the smoke first, she thought.
Coming through the door was becoming impossible now- Right as she was giving up hope of being rescued, the door burst open. A woman stood in the doorway, gray eyes like liquid pools, unafraid of the fire licking at her skin.
“Noélle?” The woman smiled, making six year old Noélle smile. This woman was nice, and her newly awakened visual empathy confirmed it. “Want to go?” Little Noélle nodded, before being swept up by the woman and wrapped in a wet blanket so that she wouldn’t get burned. She turned to go, carefully navigating through the debris of the burning building. “Sain!?” She suddenly called, worried. “SAIN?! ARE YOU OUT?!”“MAR!!! MAR?!? ARE YOU OUT?!”
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Posted: Tue Aug 18, 2009 2:43 pm
Sailor_Solitaire Poisyn, you're creative demons deserve nom noms!! This reads pretty well. You get straight to the point. Your word choices are meaninful, variable and non-repetitive, which keeps it fresh. 3nodding I think it was the first impression I got earlier. But as I read this, the whole thing plays in my mind like something from the Harlock Saga XD. To include the animation, lol. I think your strongest suit here is dialogue. The things these people say to one another really keep the story alive, and interesting at the same time. KEEP IT UP! We loves your work, and your demons! twisted Bwahahaha! "Happiness is like peeing in your pants..."
-does not know Harlock Saga-
Is it good? Is it good to be compared to it?
And my mom has been saying that my dialogue is the best... but I need to work on moving the plot along. My character just run off to do what they want and talk without actually doing anything... >.>
xd "...Everyone else can see it, but only you can feel the warmth."
"What is a Taco Ranger? Click here and find out."
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Posted: Tue Aug 18, 2009 2:55 pm
Dude, Harlock Saga is LEGEND! <3 Arcadia.
Yes, as writers, we tend to want to put in ALL of the juicy details. But from the reader's perspective, they have less involvement with the story, and are constantly waiting to be fed a story that 'keeps moving'. So I do have to agree with that. Random things and scenes can be nice, used sparingly. But you want to avoid congesting them.
And I agree with your mother. You do dialogue very well.
The only problem I noted was in repetition. I think I might have only seen it once, maybe twice. But if you've put something in dialogue, don't repeat it in text. I have the same problem sometimes, lol.
“You’re getting si~ick.” Sain said in a sing-song voice, drawing out the ‘I’ in ‘sick’.
In this example, you already showed the reader that the I was drawn out in the dialogue. smile
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Posted: Tue Aug 18, 2009 2:57 pm
Now back to work!!! ninja
Lol
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Posted: Tue Aug 18, 2009 3:10 pm
Sailor_Solitaire Dude, Harlock Saga is LEGEND! <3 Arcadia. Yes, as writers, we tend to want to put in ALL of the juicy details. But from the reader's perspective, they have less involvement with the story, and are constantly waiting to be fed a story that 'keeps moving'. So I do have to agree with that. Random things and scenes can be nice, used sparingly. But you want to avoid congesting them. And I agree with your mother. You do dialogue very well. The only problem I noted was in repetition. I think I might have only seen it once, maybe twice. But if you've put something in dialogue, don't repeat it in text. I have the same problem sometimes, lol. “You’re getting si~ick.” Sain said in a sing-song voice, drawing out the ‘I’ in ‘sick’. In this example, you already showed the reader that the I was drawn out in the dialogue. smile I'll have to look at it... when I'm not working.. sweatdrop . I had Sain do something similar later without explaining that she was drawing it out and my editor got confused... >.> -gets back to work-
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Posted: Tue Aug 18, 2009 3:28 pm
Congratz guys! Because of your reviews (all one of them >.>) you get an update before Fanfiction people!! You are now two chapters ahead... I'll color code it later... >.> Edit: I don't exactly agree with everything that Sain says, but its what she would say... >.> Chapter 4
Some Days… The Dominic Pharmaceuticals building in the west was collapsing.
As if triggered by that, buildings beside the Dominic Company office started crumbling. Like milk poured into coffee, white smoke billowed into the darkness of the town itself. Harbor and church, market and main street, ramshackle homes of the poor and mansions of the rich- everything was being destroyed. The work of millions of lives and a few thousand years was morphing into a mountain of rubble, destroyed by a low rumble. The reality was so harsh that it seemed surreal.
“‘He who sees beauty is taken early by the hand of Death’-Plato. What did you think of this evening’s performance, Father? I hope you enjoyed it.” A man in a crisp black suit and long hair spoke softly into the Sagrada Familia. All the destruction in sight was his doing. He looked upon it and was glad. The one other person in the Sargrada Familia changed before his sight. His eyes were stained the color of blood and his hair floated upward, no longer held down by gravity as the strands crowned his head. The Dark Angel let loose an ominous scream, cursing the world. A tremendous spray of blood seemed to soak the very air of the church as what was once the silver haired priest tore everything in his path to pieces. ________________________________________ Moments before the other buildings around Dominic Pharmaceuticals should have been falling due to the machine known as the Silent Noise (the cause of the platform wreck and the creation of the man in the black suit), they actually blew up. The majority of the people in the buildings fled when they got a call that their house would explode, but others ignored the warnings. The buildings they were in collapsed around them. Sain had watched the destruction while playing on her laptop, coordinating the explosions so they were timed correctly. As the last few buildings began to fall, she closed the computer, her work done. Her lime green eyes turned toward the Sagrada Familia; it was time to go there. ________________________________________ The Dark Angel’s second cry, this one of defeat, was still echoing throughout the old church as Sain entered the lift to the organ pipe at the top. The cry signaled the end of the battle of Barcelona. Who was the victor was still to be determined. She stepped out of the elevator carefully in order not to trip over the too long pants that she wore. Mar had said that she didn’t want them to be memorable, though Sain was still debating with Jaz, Jen and Jim whether or not pants that were clearly too long was just as noticeable. Before her, huddled on the ground and quietly sobbing, was the silver haired priest of last night, no more the Angel of Destruction. He looked up at her once, opened his mouth to speak but words seemed to fail him. He turned back to cry on his hands and knees. “Honestly.” He looked up in surprise at her tone. “Wha?” Sain stomped up to the crouched man, a scowl on her face. “People die buddy.” His eyes hardened, and his sorrow quickly turned to anger. “Just what are you saying?” Sain sighed and flicked a stay strand of hair out of her face before putting her first two fingers to her forehead. “Really? I have to spell it out to you?” She paused for a moment and his answer was angered silence. “Well then, you better listen.” The small girl knelt down so that they were eye to eye before poking him in the forehead. “People die. Hey! I said listen to me. I’m not done yet.” She cut him off when his mouth opened. He glared at her but let her continue. “Now, hopefully, people die, sleeping in their bed after living a fruitful life of a hundred plus years. Because this is a fallen world, this is hardly ever the case. Now, you have two options on how you respond to this: One, you act like you don’t care; B, like you do. If you do care, there are even more options for you: A, prevent them from dying; two, hunt down the sons of b***hes who kill people, or thirdly, join a convent. “Since people dying seem to be a tender spot for you,” That statement earned her a glare that probably could have pealed paint. “I suggest that you join a convent.” He blinked at her, giving his mind enough time to catch up. “I think you’re supposed to tell me to hunt down who did this.” He said, sitting up. “You?” She looked incredulous. “Someone who falls to his knees and starts crying after a hardship? The dead don’t need your tears because according to your religion,” She pointed to the crucifix he wore. “They’re either in a far better place or rotting in hell. Tears are reserved for the living.” She poked him in the head again to emphasis her point. “If you must cry, do it when you have time, when the lives of the living aren’t at stake. Barcelona greatly resembles Rome, does it not?” she stressed her last sentence, hoping that would spur him into action. He looked startled. “That man said that too.” He said as he began to rise. “Son of a b***h, stealing my lines before I say them…” Sain muttered to herself. Jaz, of course, had a response to that. “No, they were my lines, not his.” She turned, catching the silver haired Priest staring at the destruction of Barcelona. “Some days people die.” She said softly. He nodded, but the tears still came. His back was to her, so he didn’t see her devilish smile. “And some days…” She trailed off as her feet twirled her around for a bit. He turned to look at her strange dance before the sound of the lift reaching the top again reached his ears. He spun to look and his winter blue eyes widened in shock. Mar stepped off the elevator, a few cuts added red to her pale skin and her clothes covered in dust, ripped almost beyond repair. She was carrying an unconscious woman with black hair piggyback. “I think she hit her head when the ceiling fell. Hopefully there won’t be any long lasting damage. Thought I should take her here before the hospital so you’d know not to freak out… her radio isn’t working.” Mar calmly explained as she strode forward. “……..And some days, no body dies.” This time his tears were of joy.
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