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 Posted: Wed Sep 23, 2009 3:27 am
SO this is a short story I wrote for my creative writing class this summer, I'm posting one page at a time to preserve the footnotes. Feel free to comment at any time
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Posted: Wed Sep 23, 2009 3:30 am
Costumes
Emma glanced over at her baby-faced big brother1, her protector, her champion, how had she convinced her self that she would survive without him? A soft sigh escaped her lips, and her brother glanced over. “Hey, look on the bright side, you'll be walking everywhere.” Daren remarked before turning his attention back to the line of traffic. Emma smiled wryly, and ran her hand over the bulge in her pocket: pepper spray. With her luck she was going to need it. She honestly couldn't understand how she got herself into these situations. It had probably started with the kidnapping when she was three. She had been playing at the park, and the somewhat incompetent kidnapper had grabbed her, his real target the child of a diplomat playing in the sand box. Her life was full of injures and near disasters. Emma was a trouble magnet, and it had only gotten worse over time. Her family had insisted that she go to the local college for her first year, and had probably been planning to see that she stayed in town for the rest of her life. After much pleading Emma had some how convinced them to let her move to a Centium U, a little over two hundred miles away.
“We’re here!” her brother said with a sigh of relief, drawing Emma out of her musings. With a small smile as she looked up through the car window at the dismally gray apartment building. The building had been chosen because statistics said it was the safest one in the city, although the fact that it was less then five years old probably was the main contributor to its safety.2 Daren dragged up her bag and Emma fumbled with her fob key, and then began punching in the nine digit security code. Keys for keys she mused as the key pad emitted an annoying beep with every key stroke. The lock finally clicked and Emma pulled open the heavy metal door.
...
1 Daren was twenty six, but looked about seventeen, and took a lot of flack because of it. He once tried to grow a mustache, but the scant hairs only made him look younger.
2 The owner of the building was an ancient man, who probably wouldn't have bothered with it except for the fact that his grandson had decided to go to the local University and didn't want to stay in the dorms. His family was too cheap to rent him the posh apartment he wanted, so grandpa spent millions building the building. The grandson is still living in the penthouse.
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Posted: Wed Sep 23, 2009 3:34 am
The next day brought the city's characteristic gray drizzle.3 Emma peered through the dark tinted window at the world fifteen stories below. This building was one of the only skyscrapers in this section of town. Most of the other buildings were four stories and had shop fronts. They seemed to be defying the sky with their soft warm reds and browns, while her own building blended in. Emma glanced around her room. The apartment had two bed rooms, one vacant until Emma found a roommate.
School wouldn't be in session for another month, so her mission was to find a job and a nice girl in need of a room. Emma glanced out the window again. It really didn't feel like August although her parents had assured her that it could be very sunny in the city at times, the sky outside was making this difficult to believe. Emma grabbed a light jacket and doubled checked that her keys and cell phone were indeed in her purse where she had left them before heading out the door.
...
Three cafes, four restaurants, one bakery, a book store and an ice cream parlor later Emma started back for home. Tired and damp, and she was going to have to walk about thirty blocks because the next bus that went to her neighborhood wasn't coming for two hours, and she wasn't about to fork over the money for a cab.4 It was about three o'clock in the afternoon, not exactly a dangerous time. Emma walked along without really paying attention to where she was heading, so she was quite surprised to find herself facing a dead end. She had turned in to a small alley between two rather decrepit buildings, and there was no outlet to the street behind them. When she turned around she found her way blocked by three unsavory characters.
The rain was picking up, and the downpour obscuring her vision somewhat. The closest one had a good six inches on her and probably weighed twice what she did. One was slightly smaller then the first one and the last matched her five foot five, but weighed at least two hundred more pounds.5
A flash of metal drew her attention to the knife in the first ones hand. He smiled cruelly as he started towards her. She remembered the pepper spray too late, and by the time she got it out he was already there. The leader, or so she supposed the knife bearer was, laughed and knocked the canister to the ground. He was close enough that she could see the dandruff in his greasy brown hair. “Lets make this easy honey, you be a good girl,” his hand squeezed her wrist hard enough to bruise “and we won't hurt cha, too badly” he grinned at his companions who were closing in. Emma complied by screaming.
...
3 Although I am sure that most of my audience is aware of basic geography and history, one must remind some of the Treaty of 1879 where both Canada and Mexico became part of the good old US of A. Centium, as I am sure you are aware sits on the water in our great state of North Washington .
4 For reasons unknown taxis are ridiculously expensive in Centium. It would have cost Emma upwards of thirty dollars to get home. Perhaps it’s because all the cab drivers a fifth and six generation Americans, well adjusted to capitalism, and they're showing there patriotism through high prices.
5 The three goons were named Ted, John, and Benedict. Ted was the leader, and Benedict was the fat one. John was kind of just there, having nothing better to do. They were all thirty-five, and had met when they were eleven. They had originally formed there little gang in order to steal candy from babies, which incidentally isn't as simple as it’s made out to be.
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Posted: Wed Sep 23, 2009 3:41 am
The cat’s6 razor sharp claws pierced the fabric7, and reached his skin. Fighting the urge to fling the animal away, he jumped down from the tree, and handed the cat over to its tearful owner.8 The women began to babble her thanks, only to be cut of by a piercing scream. “I believe that’s my signal. Keep that cat away from trees ma'am” The Dark Guardian9 bent his knees and jumped. His power was not that of flight, but a little ingenuity and invention allowed him to glide very far distances, and control the movements of the wings. His preternatural strength went into the jump, propelling him high into the air, and then the great black wings snapped open. Guardian pulled on his flight goggles and zeroed in on the source of the scream. He arrived on the scene to find three large goons surrounding a distraught young woman. Guardian swooped in and landed gracefully behind the perpetrators. One of the goons snarled. “It’s the Guardian!”
“s**t, leave the girl” another one suggested.
“Not a chance! She’s our hostage, Guardian can't hurt us if we use her as a shield,” the one holding a knife to the frightened girl said. The Dark Guardian smirked before sending a lighting fast side-kick into the man's knife arm, sending the weapon flying, and producing the satisfying crunch of breaking bone. The man screamed in agony, and his friends started closing in on Guardian.
It was over quickly, a nice right hook took out the first one and a spinning back kick to the chest finished off the other. Guardian pulled some zip ties out of one of the pouches on his utility belt10 and secured the goons for the police to pick up later. Finally his attention turned to the trembling female. The hood of her jacket had fallen off and her long blonde hair fell in wet clumps around her face. She was thin, but not skinny, healthy except for the fear that was causing her body to quake. “Its okay, you're safe now” he said gentry as he approached her. She lifted her head and her big gray eyes peered into his as if willing it to be true. If it wasn't for those eyes she would be a normal looking girl, but the soft troubled gray spoke to him. Her eyes were the same gray as his sky. The Guardians heart was racing. This disheveled creature in front of him called to his soul, a sweet siren's song that wrapped him with longing. He wanted to posses and be possessed in turn. Those sterling orbs, no hint of blue reflecting in them. He was falling into that gray, mired in her gaze, unable to look away. Breath caught in throat and seconds seemed to stretch out in to forever, and still they passed too quickly. He didn't know what to do, and he always knew what to do. At a loss, he walked over and scooped the girl up and jumped. The girl made a small sound of fright as they passed the roofs of the surrounding buildings. “Don't worry, I'm taking you to safety,” he said, hoping to ease her fear. Her trembling ceased, but she kept her face pressed into his shoulder until he landed in front of the station house. “You're safe now” He repeated as he set her on her feet. A police officer came over and led her towards the office whispering reassuring nothings to the young women. Guardian watched as she was lead into the building, and kept standing on the steps in a haze for several minuets after he couldn't see her anymore.
Guardian shook his head violently, trying in vein to dispel the image of her gray eyes. With a sigh he jumped and began gliding over the city. He had always wondered what people meant by love at first sight, that utter certainty the electric current, and how indescribable it all was. He was a sworn to protect the city, he couldn't afford to let him self be distracted by the unobtainable, he would probably never see the girl again in this city of millions.
He made a few more passes over the city, but Centium's criminal were taking the afternoon off. Guardian figured he might as well call it a day.
6 The cat was called Mr. Tinkly Winter by his slightly senile owner. His real name was Julius Tiberius, and he controls a large territory in Centium, and has an equally large harem. He was simply sitting in his favorite perch when his owner started to freak out, and being a cat he found it amusing to ignore her. What he didn't find amusing was the strangely dressed human male dragging him out of the tree. He supposed it could be worse; he could be declawed, or neutered.
7 The Guardian’s super suit is made of a stretchy skin tight material. It is black and configured a bit like a wet suit. It goes to ankles and wrists, and has a hood. His eyes are usually obscured with a pair of flight goggles, but his mouth and chin remain uncovered.
8 The Guardian has a real penchant, not in a bad way mind you, for old ladies. He is always helping them across the street, or carrying their groceries, or fetching their cats. It probably comes of being a boy scout.
9 The Guardian was one of those rare supers who were born to it. His father was the iconic hero Guardian Angel and he had inherited his father’s super strength and sense of justice. Centium’s last protector hadn't been able to balance his secret identity and his hero work, and had quit a few months before The Guardian moved to the city for his own reasons, He had slipped into the open place easily, glad to final be doing his own hero work and not just side kicking for his father.
10 The utility belt was a gift from his father, and besides zip ties it contained a variety of other useful hero tools. Rope, a bottle of water, a grappling hook (in case of wing failure), several granola bars (for quick energy), smelling salts, cat treats, some hard candy (not stolen from a baby, I assure you), a mini spy camera, a note book, a pencil, a pen, a notebook, and a blue handkerchief that used to be a blanket.
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Posted: Wed Sep 23, 2009 3:42 am
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Posted: Thu Sep 24, 2009 10:46 pm
heart *assumes the voice of Darth Vader.*
"Impressive... most impressive."
On a scale of 1-10 I'd give this a solid 8 smile It was an enjoyable read, just a little short of what might be publication standards. Actually, that only applies to the first paragraph or so. It seems - at least from reading that - that you warm up into what you're writing about. Your writing improves very quickly on topic. I was mildly interested reading the first post, more interested on the second, and almost completely involved by the third.
I also really liked how you put notes after the read, as to clarify loose ends for the content at hand.
My favorite part however was that you had Guardian use zip ties from its utility belt. biggrin heart
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Posted: Thu Sep 24, 2009 10:48 pm
"Happiness is like peeing in your pants..."
I am extremely entertained by your story thus far! I love the character development and the little comments at the end of every page (Could they be considered stories within the story or are they side stories?) !! Little old ladies FTW!!!
I wants to read more!!! ^.^
.... Could I point some little thing out?
"Guardian shook his head violently, trying in vein to dispel the image of her gray eyes."
Vein is the blood veins in your body. Vane could be 1) a weather vane, 2) cooper vane, 3) a vane anemometer or 4) each of the parts besides the shaft in a pennaceous feather. Vain could be 1)overly proud of oneself, especially when concerning appearance, 2) having very little substance or 3) effecting no purpose; pointless, futile.
Just giving you a heads up because some people don't know that there are three words that sound like 'Vein' and just use the same one. It's like 'There': Their, There, and They're.
>.<;;; Sorry if sounds forceful or anything, its just that my friend's been asking me to edit and when I did one of her chapters, she decided that two of the corrections I had made were wrong....>.<
xd "...Everyone else can see it, but only you can feel the warmth."
"What is a Taco Ranger? Click here and find out."
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Posted: Thu Sep 24, 2009 10:49 pm
"Happiness is like peeing in your pants..."
-screams when she sees Sephy posted before her-
NO!!! FIRST COMMENT IS TO BE MINE!!!! CURSE YOU SEPHY!!! CURSE YOU!!!
xd "...Everyone else can see it, but only you can feel the warmth."
"What is a Taco Ranger? Click here and find out."
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Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 12:22 am
Auto spell check hates me, I'm sure there are plenty of typos. i will warn you now only the begging and the end are written, I never got around to the middle.
I'm glad you enjoy my footnotes. I had planed a comic piece, but it wasn't funny. Then my professor had us do an exercise where we wrote foot notes, every thing changed for the better
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Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 12:48 am
A young man walked down the street. He had dark almost black hair, and eyes of a soft honey brown, and his skin was a light coffee color.11 Glasses with thick black frames rested on the bridge of his nose. The soon-to-be college junior Scott Arden made his way down the streets of the city towards the boring gray apartment building that he called home. Scott headed towards the entrance. Someone obscured by brown paper grocery bags was trying, and failing to get through the ridiculous security on the door. One of the hands clutching the bottom of the bag slipped. Instincts took over and he rushed in and caught the bag. “Let me help you,” he said with a smile. He looked down and realized it was the gray eyed girl. His pulse sped and his lips suddenly felt very dry. The girl smiled her gratitude, causing her eyes to light up “Thanks, I couldn't get the security code,” she said, her voice soft and somewhat musical, at least to his ears. “Uh yeah no problem,” he managed to reply as he punched in the security code. The door unlocked and they walked across the lobby together. “Uh, so are you new in the building?” The girl nodded "Yeah, I just moved in yesterday, fifteenth floor.” He couldn't help but smile at the coincidence. “I’m in fifteen o three” The Girl smiled back and hit the elevator. “Well that’s lucky, I'm right across the hall. Thanks again for the help. I'm Emma Rayne by the way,” Emma said with a neighborly smile. “Nice to meet you Emma, I'm Scott, Scott Arden,” he said with his best Bond impression.12 Emma chuckled and he was rewarded by the flash in her gray eyes. The elevator let out a ding as the doors slid open on the fifteenth floor.
Scott helped her get the bags into her room, he was a really nice guy, and if that Bond reference was anything to go on. Funny as well, it would be nice to have a friend in the building, especially one so close by. She watched as he set the bags on the table and then smiled nervously. “Um so I was wondering.” He seemed nervous. “Do you want to go to dinner, uh with me I mean?” Emma's heart sank. “Uh well I had a long day, so I don't think so. I'm sorry. It was very nice meeting you, maybe some other time, okay?” She walked him to the door which she gently but firmly closed, leaving the somewhat bewildered Scott in the hall way. Emma sagged against the door and thought of the strong arms of the hero who had stolen her heart earlier that day.
...
She had thought that it was the end, and had given up hope. Then like some kind of avenging dark angel the superhero had come, swooping in to save the day. Even after he had saved her from the would-be assailants she had still been too petrified with fear to react. While she was being flown to safety, his strong arms had taken away all of the fear, she felt sheltered and most of all very much at home. Something about the masked man captivated her, made her mind go to bright places. Her pulse raced just thinking about him. The Dark Guardian, the name made her heart sings in her chest. It was stupid to be falling for a man whose face she hadn't even seen, but there was no denying it. The costume had captured her heart. The entire way home she felt like she was still flying.
...
Scott was confused and more then a little upset. She had dismissed him so easily; fate was dangling her before him and then snatching her away. 13 He got into his own apartment and sank into a chair, still haunted by her gray eyes.
11 It always amuses me how food can be used to describe a color. Honey and coffee come in so many different shades that it isn't a really accurate measure of color. The particular cup of coffee, has a dollop of cream, its not a straight black coffee, and the honey is a warm honey, not one of the darker variety, you know a lovely warm amber found in a bear shaped bottel.
12 As bond impressions go it was okay, but the lack of an English accent hurt his score. Top Bond impersonator go for the Scottish accent, after all it is hard to beat Sean, although I must say Daniel isn't doing half bad.
13 What Scott fails to realize is that Fate is an evil conniving b***h. I know one mustent call names, but she really is, I am usually the last to judge an individual, but the second that Fate stepped into my life I saw her for what she was. At least she isn't quite as fickle as her sister Luck.
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Posted: Sat Sep 26, 2009 6:28 pm
heart Lol, so my Sailor Moon scarred mind was pretty much thinking Tuxedo Mask reading that one. If you don't know the reference, that's okay. It's just something about the relationship of falling for someone who's face you haven't seen, haunted by that effection, while ignoring something that's right in front of you.
I could stab at the grammar a little, but I'll leave that up to the grammar police: A.K.A. Poisyn, lol razz
Keep up the good work! 3nodding heart
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Posted: Sat Sep 26, 2009 11:18 pm
oh worry not, I am aware of sailor moon, and now that you mention it i see the connection. I know the grammar sucks, i need to do a re read before i post things, but I'm lazy. The middles not done. Should I post the ending now, or write and post the middle before I put up what is all ready finished?
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Posted: Sat Sep 26, 2009 11:22 pm
heart Probably best to post what you can when you can. Small doses seems to work better for getting people to actually read stuff. I'm a freak that can read an entire book over night if I like it, so the more the merrier. But other people aren't so fond of reading much. So if you post smaller reads, apart from each other, you're probably more likely to have other people read and post comments smile heart
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