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Hehe Hihi again~ Sin-chan here~ This is me finally posting my many thoughts/poems/short stoires. I am hoping to recieve critiques so I can become a better writer. So yeah... uhhh not sure what else to say so... ciao~ ^^

Making everything Beautiful

I make you feel helpless and yet so alive. I kill all your desire and replace it with mine. I am the voice in the back of your mind, whispering to you all the answers to your life. I am your savior, forever here to help you, if I so desire. I take apart your obstacles, I stage all your fights, I pick the ones going on tonight. I decide your future so long as I wish, but then again will I ever leave you. Maybe I should leave you all alone in the dark, after all I can find someone so much better. I can find the prettier person, find someone who possesses greater beauty than you, whose intelligence surpasses your own, it really isn’t that difficult. They are all far better than you. Though they most certainly are not great. But compared to them you are worthless and weak. Just listen to your self cry in self pity, that’s your doing not mine. I’m just letting you see the truth behind the lies you have been told. What? Is reality too much for you? Well you will need to be over it soon. Oh I have the perfect trick, time to get rid of some of your filthy blood that haunts your veins, careful now lest we mark your pretty skin, do that and you will have nothing left. Now steady now, just take care with that knife. Make sure to cut above your wrist, we don’t want you crippled. Make sure to go deep but thin, once, twice, three times. Now go to your other wrist. Do you feel better yet? Of course you do you feel much lighter now you are not so ugly. Oh, but then you still are aren’t you? That’s why I’m helping you after all. Now we look at those thighs of yours oh how hideous you are. Its hard not to be repulsed. Fix them quickly now, make cuts on the inside, no one will ever see. Who would want to look at you after all. As a matter of fact, why even bother hiding your purging? You’re making yourself less ugly after all. Besides, no one will see the scars, nor blood because they wouldn’t want to look at you, you’re too sickening sweetie. Now hurry up and clean the filth that drips from your beauty wounds. Stop staining this world with your putrid blood. Look how disgusting you are! Hurry up and get rid of the disease within you! Make sure to purify the floor and counter and blade. After all, what did they do to deserve being stained by you, you trash. Well look in the mirror now, isn’t that better? Not by much though, lord knows you have a long way to go. But now I don’t have to throw up all my lunch when I look at you, but hurry up with this. Don’t waste my time. Now time to keep you locked away in your room. Think this is punishment? Oh heavens no. We just don’t need you ruining your family’s eyes with your appearance now do we? No, separation is best. Just see it for what it is, saving your family from yourself. Do you even think you have the right to call them your family? They are all perfectly fine. They are all much better than you. Now hurry up and crawl into your room. You have no right to be comfortable and warm. Don’t grab any blankets, just wear long pants and a giant sweatshirt, keep the hood up lest your family- lest those near you will be stricken with disgust by your flesh. Oh, but we aren’t here to sleep so don’t you dare close your eyes. Stare at the mirror and see what a hideous beast you are. Now this is your punishment for not being able to do this your self. Now look in the mirror, you are not allowed to look anywhere else. Look at the creature of nightmares you are. Let your mind rot at the sight of you, let your eyes burn and bleed. Do you now see the reason I have come to help a pathetic person like you. It is my job to make the world prettier, make it more suited for perfection like myself. And now I am creating my wish by ridding the world of its ugliness, starting with you. Can you stand to look at yourself? Oh I think I stricken a nerve with you. You finally see the truth don’t you. It was about time. Now go back to the bathroom, make sure to lock the door, open the drawer with the blade inside, now take it and do the rest. Let your ugliness leave you as you cut over your wrists. Why did you do that? If I were you I would have gone for your neck or face, perhaps the eyes, that way I wouldn’t have to see the disgusting person I was. What a weakling you are! Lying on the floor. Clean up this mess! Stop staining the world! You are supposed to be ridding the world of yourself, not embedding yourself in it. Are you done dying yet? I really hope so. Now on to the next ugly, perhaps they won’t take so long to make pretty, as they were dyed red.

The Perfect Façade
By: Nightroad
“Yeah, mom really likes having you stay over, you should stay over more often.” Alec said with his usual grin as he sat back on to his bed, falling back and letting out a long sigh.
“I will try to be over more often then. I like coming over, you guys are like my second family.” I answered with a cheerful smile as I took a seat at the edge of his bed, looking over at the wall.
“Good. I always wanted a younger brother.” Alec answered as he sat up and wrapped his arms around my small form, resting his chin on my shoulder, a contented smile resting in place on his pale face. “Though if you are going to be my brother Laney will have to get used to the idea of not having a crush on you. She has always liked you a lot. She even made another picture of you and her today.” He said as he began to chuckle.
“Is that right? Well, tell her she can have me as a brother instead. Besides, I don’t think she would want someone who is seven years older than her.”
“I would have to disagree with that, she is obsessed with you.” He said again as he laughed once more before falling back into his pillows once more, dragging me back with him. “Recently it has been more quiet around here it seems, you know? I hope mom and dad’s vacation thing ends soon so they can come home.”
“They’ll be here sooner than you think Alec, so don’t worry.” I answered back, resting my head against his chest.
After some time when silence had fallen between us I spoke up once more. “Everything will be okay-” I started before looking up to see that Alec had already fallen fast asleep, his mouth slightly open. He looked so peaceful. I smiled at him before wriggling my way out of his arms before tiptoeing over to the wall, turning the lights off and scrambling back into bed, trying my best not to wake him before pulling a blanket over both of us. “It will all be okay, you will see.
---

The next morning I woke up to Alec’s movements as he tried to wake me up. “Hey, Seth, time to wake up, we have school today.” He said as he gently shook my shoulders.
I smiled up at him as I sat up and got out of bed, following him downstairs. “Good morning Laney.” I said in greeting to the younger girl, her blonde her pulled into two pigtails.
“Yeah, good morning Sis.” Alec called to her pleasantly. “Look who I have over, your future husband.” He said teasingly to the eight year old. “I’m just playing Sis, you can’t marry him because he is going to be your big brother, I have decided to convince mom and dad to adopt him.” He said with a grin before grabbing my wrist and pulling me down the hallway and down the stairs to the kitchen where he promptly started making breakfast.
“So last night me and Seth were talking and I came up with the greatest thing in the world. You know how you love having Seth over mom? Well, why don’t we just adopt him so he never has to leave?” He suggested in tone of someone who came up with the cure to cancer.
“I agree with Alec mom.” I said with a chuckle, trying out the new term. “What do you think dad?” I called over to the man who was seated at the table, reading the newspaper.
“Then it is settled~” Alec shouted loudly before beginning to fix breakfast for everyone, humming to a song he and Seth had listened to on the radio the other day.
While he was making pancakes and bacon I set the table, getting out plates, napkins, and silverware before setting the table up for all five of us. I then took a seat next to Delany and across from Mrs. Warren, who was sipping at her coffee while chatting with her daughter, who was blushing bright pink because of the seating arrangement.
“Breakfast is ready~” Alec chimed as he came over from the stove with several plates before distributing the food to everyone before taking his usual seat next to me.
“Mmmm. Yummy~ You make the best pancakes~” I complimented my friend with a bright smile.
“Only the greatest for my family and soon to be brother.” He answered back with a proud smile on his face.
“So how is work Mrs. Warren? Is work at the hospital as great as you thought it would be?” I asked curiously, knowing she had just finished nursing school several weeks ago.
“Mom loves it soooooooooo much. She never stops talking about once she gets started and we don‘t have time for that, we have got to get to school. Ms. Shafer hates it when I am late.”
“That’s because you are always late Alec.” I answered back with a smile as I got up from my seat, taking my plate along with everyone else’s over to the sink and washing them clean. “Go grab your bag Alec. Oh, and make sure to grab your chemistry book you left on the desk.” I called over my shoulder to him as I scampered up to his room as I finished the dishes. After I put the last dish away I ran over to the door, grabbing my shoes and slipping them on before hoisting my messenger bag on to my shoulder. “Have a good day at school Laney~” I called to the little girl as I opened the door for her and watched her go to her bus as I waited for Alec to come back down. Soon I was greeted by the sound of footsteps on the stairs as Alec came back down, smiling at me. “Come on Seth~ Got to hurry.” He yelled happily as he opened the door once more and ran outside. “Bye mom, bye dad. See you after school.’ He called over his shoulder.
“Yes, good bye Mr. and Mrs. Warren. Have a great day.” I said cheerfully before following my best friend.
---

School was always painful for me, never quite understood why. School itself was alright, the class work was manageable, I received good marks and had many good friends, so I never understood why I didn’t like it. Oh well, another thing for me to chalk up as unreasonable. I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t even noticed the class had already ended. Yep, so much for me being the observant one, however, I still had managed to get all the notes from the lecture as well as finish the assignment.
“Come on Seth, don’t be such a slow poke.”
“My bad. Sort of dozed off.”
“I don’t get it.”
“Get what?”
“That when I doze off I fail, but when you do it you finish everything even faster than you normally do.”
“What can I say? It’s a gift and a curse.”
And a gift and a curse it was indeed. Sure my work was complete but I had been completely oblivious to the many concerned glances I had received from several of my friends from soccer and still others from Art. Though even if I had been aware I don’t think I could have responded anyway, we were in class after all. Still, it did not deter them from trying, or so I had heard from Alec.
“Yeah, almost half the class trying to get your attention the whole lesson. Ian and Michael kept throwing things at you to try and get you to look over. You were so out of it even Leah and Taylor couldn’t get your attention. And I think you hurt Chelsea, Emma, and Sean’s feelings for ignoring them.”
“Oh man, I didn’t even realize.”
“Thanks for stating the obvious.”
“I better go apologize to them.”
“Whatever man, I will see after school.”
---

I caught up with Ian and Chelsea after lunch, smiling serenely at them, rubbing the back of my head awkwardly. “I’m sorry about before, guess I was pretty out of it.” I said apologetically.
“Oh, that’s okay. You have been quite busy I’m sure.” Said Chelsea in a most unusual tone.
“Hmmm, yeah, I suppose.” I answered back uncertainly, looking over at Ian who had not said a word yet and wasn’t even looking at me, but determinedly looking anywhere else. He had been acting very differently than what I remembered, almost as if he was a different person entirely. This being said I immediately felt a wave of panic wash over me. Over these past few weeks I had been so busy with Alec I had been ignorant of all my other friends. But even with that said I was not sure how to breach the topic, so I just started.
“Ummm is everything alright Ian? How is soccer going?”
“Your mom wants you to come back home.”
Well, that was a strange response, though I ignored it and pressed on.
“What’s wrong Ian?”
“She is worried about you, you have your entire family are worried.”
“Ian…”
“What he means to say is that he just misses you, we all do. We barely get a chance to see you anymore.” Said Chelsea quickly, looking between the two of us, a mixture of sadness and concern laced in her words.
“What do you mean? I see you guys at school, and I see Ian at soccer and you at Anime club.” I said, confused.
“Whatever. I don’t want to see you anymore.”
Now at that I was taken aback, my heart clenching at the tone Ian used.
“What do you mean Ian? What’s going on? You can tell me.”
“Just go away Seth. Your friends haven‘t been able to talk to you in days. Your family haven‘t seen you in Lord knows how long and you stick to that guy better than his shadow does. He is-”
I never got to hear what came afterward. I simply left them, apologizing profusely as I yelled back over my shoulder that I had to find Alec. I needed to find Alec. It hurt so much to see my friends like that, to hear Ian say such mean things. But Chelsea didn’t stop him. She just stood there and let it all happen.
Still inwardly cringing at the words still playing over and over in my head I walked off in search of Alec. Right now it seemed he was the only one I could talk to and feel a sense of normality anymore. My friends seemed distant. My family kept giving me these strange looks and telling me to come home. But I can’t come home, can’t they realize that. I have to stay with Alec, I have to. His parents are so nice to me, his little sister too. Alec loves me and cares about me, so why should I go back to the strange stares and the conversations of seeing a doctor? They keep insisting I am in shock, but I feel fine. And so does Alec. We are all fine, his family is fine, so why would there being any shock? Sure, the auto accident we were in was bad, but we were all alright. Why couldn’t they see that?
---

“There you are Seth! I was waiting for you- Hey! Are you alright? Why are you crying?” Alec called over to me as he rushed over, running down the stairs outside the school.
“Huh?”
“What happened Seth, who made you cry? Tell me now and I will make sure they pay for it.”
I laughed at this, Alec was always so protective of me.
“No one did, alright? I didn’t even realize I was crying silly. Must be something related to dozing off again.”
“Again? Really Seth.” I silenced his concern with a hug as I lead the way away from school, smiling at him, not letting go of his arm, not that he seemed to mind it. I felt happier now that I was with Alec, my only tie to what used to be normality, him and his family.
Glancing back over my shoulder I caught sight of several of my friends standing at the bottom of the steps, looking at me intently, almost as if they disbelieved I was really there. When they saw me look Chelsea just turned away and was pulled into a hug by Emma, both looking worried.
I looked away again, shuddering as I did so, feeling a strange mix of emotions rise around me at the scene I just saw. Why? Why did everything have to be so strange?
---

This pattern of life continued for several weeks, I would stay at Alec’s house and we would wake up, either of us making breakfast for everyone, saying good bye to Mr. and Mrs. Warren in the morning before they left for work and walking Delany to her bus stop. Then we would go to school, I would still get these strange looks from everyone as everyone seemed to become more and more distant, I would be asked to come to the office during lunch to talk to the guidance counselor Ms. Lane, finish going to classes, meet with Alec after school, walk home with him, avoiding everyone’s stares, ignore the many phone calls we received at his house, knowing they were for Mrs. Warren. We would do are homework, make dinner, either play videogames or watch TV together and then go to bed. It was not a very complex routine, but a routine all the same, and it made me feel better.
Though, strangely as the days go bye I see less and less of Mr. and Mrs. Warren, though I know they are busy. But two nights ago I didn’t see them at all. Though Alec explained they were both going on a small vacation, saying that it would be a good time for me and Alec and Laney to spend together. That was all fine with me, I didn’t mind. Though I was starting to become a little worried when I didn’t see Laney come home yesterday. We had walked her to her bus stop as usual that morning, but didn’t see her at home like usual after. Though Alec said she was probably staying at a friend’s house, and that made sense. Perhaps I was becoming a little paranoid, but then, who wouldn’t be when everyone was acting so strangely?
---

Friday evening, four days after Delaney didn’t come home, a week after Mr. and Mrs. Warren had left for their little vacation, was the day my world seemed to shatter. When I had arrived at Alec’s house after running to the store to pick up some stuff for dinner I couldn’t find Alec. He seemed to have vanished from the earth. I looked everywhere for him. I called his cell phone over and over again, but each time I was greeted by his voicemail. It wasn’t like Alec to turn off his phone. He always had it on and always answered when I called. I was so scared that I called Alec‘s parents, anyone to help me find Delany and Alec. Two people don’t just disappear.
But that also didn’t work. Instead of being greeted by their voice mails I was greeted with ‘The number you have dialed is not available.’
Now I had a whole family missing, a married couple, a seven year old girl, and a sixteen year old boy.
The only option I had left was calling 9-1-1. Anyone to help me, anyone at all. They had to help me, it was their job to find people when they went missing, when they disappear.
---

“Hey Seth. How are you feeling today?”
“---”
“It is alright Seth. You are alright. You are lucky we found you when we did. Your family was worried sick about you.”
“---”
“Seth? Are you alright?”
“Perhaps he is still under too much stress?”
“Hmm? Seth, are you feeling tired?”
“---”
“Well, if you are feeling too tired to talk I can let you sleep again, okay?”
---

“How is he Dr. Hallowell?”
“It seems the worse of the post traumatic stress has finally caught up to him. He seems to have been hallucinating for some time.”
“Will he be alright?”
“It is difficult to say for certain. It varies from person to person and from each different situation.”
“And what about Alec?”
“Alec is not doing well either. We can’t seem to get him lucid enough to tell us anything.”
“It is terrible, the effects of crashes, even if you aren’t in them.”
“So it would seem Mrs. Nightroad. So it would seem. Though I don’t think it would be okay to tell either boy what has happened. And even if we did I don’t think they would believe us. They have been living in one hallucination for so long…”
“Neither of them knows that Dawn and Greg are dead? Not even about Delany?”
“They know nothing of it.”
“Then what do they think has been going on for the past few weeks?”
“It seems that both of them didn’t notice anything, that their minds seemed to have protected them from any scaring by providing them will an illusion.”
“My poor baby…”
“You can’t blame yourself. It seems your son was aware of what happened in the beginning, but seemed to want to protect his friend more than anything so he lied about everything, about seeing them, hearing them, everything until he too believed the lie. The mind is a powerful thing, it can be a cure, and a weapon, and now there is nothing… nothing but this lie.”

Give me a reason to stay,
Give me a reason to not go away.
Give me a reason to not let go,
Give me a reason to want to know,

The truth behind all the lies,
The truth behind the tears in your eyes
The truth behind the closed doors
The truth behind not wanting more

Why would I want to know
What we once had was a lost cause?
Why would I want to know
It is all gone is because of my flaws?

Tell me it will all be okay
Tell me you will be here to stay
Tell me that you love me
Tell me I’m all you want me to be

Love me more than anything else
Love me more than anyone else
Love me like there is no tomorrow
Love me like cupid’s arrow

Why would I want to know
What we once had was a lost cause?
Why would I want to know
It is all gone is because of my flaws?

Hold me close to your heart
Hold me close so we’re not apart
Hold me close to your soul
Hold me close to fill the hole in my heart

Am I bad person?
You exclaim I am.
But are you certain?
I mean, what did I do wrong?

Is my smile your haunting dream?
My happiness a thorn?
A kindled spirit lost and alone
Is far too much for one to bare?

If that is the case answer me this:
What is bad and what is good?
Tell me the answer and all will be well.
But then what is well and what is terrible?

What makes something bad?
The definition of good is what?
If I follow your rules,
Whatever they may be,

Is that all it takes for me to be a good boy?
For you to love me and hold me tight?
For the punishments to stop
And the confinement to end?

If that is the case then give me the list.
I don’t care what it may be.
Just promise me you still have my place in your heart saved
Forever and ever for when I return to your favor.

But when is that?
When will I ever be good enough for you?
When will my attempts no longer be in vain
No longer cause you so much pain?

I concede to you, you were right,
I was wrong, I failed you,
No longer am I clouded from the truth,
No longer am I fooled by naiviete.

I'm sorry for my trouble,
I should not have bothered.
I should have known you would be happier
With that pretty girl in your arms.

In the end I was not enough,
But I hope she might be,
Might be the person I could never be.
Never be the girl you could see.