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 Posted: Sun Dec 20, 2009 8:38 pm
So, sometimes everyone just needs to ramble on. I need it now. I don't know if I can tell my friends everything I'm feel, or if I want to feel that vulnerable and do it.
I’m at the point where I’m tired of struggling between what I want and what I need. I love love. I love feeling love, and I love receiving love. I keep hoping someone will come into my life, be my “one”, and understand me like no one else ever has or will. I’m optimistic, so I’m still going to hope for that someone that’s meant for me. I’m still going to hope for the “love of my life”. But it’s so different now, because now I can see better that Jesus is my “one”, my only, the only person who has ever understood me all the way to my core; always known me, and loved me irrevocably. He will love me forever, He will always understand me, and He will be the one person who understands me, more than anyone else will ever be capable, forever.
It’s a difficult thing to accept. I want to get married and have children and do all that typical family stuff. But sometimes I don’t know if I’m supposed to lead that life, and I struggle and fight and beat against any thinking that my life isn’t going to be the way I want it to be.
I’m so sorry for this. I know my life should be to live for God, to glorify Him, to do all things for Him. But I’m so selfish that I can’t just say, “okay, take my life, do what You want though me.” I can’t just let go of my desires and decide to become an instrument of God. I’m so selfish. I fully realize that I should, that there should be nothing in this world more worth living for, than for God, but I can’t move past my selfishness. Because do I want to? I know it’s horrible, and I know I should feel much more ashamed to admit it, but I don’t want to change. It’s so wrong, I can clearly see it, but I can’t feel myself overcoming it. I don’t want to give up love, marriage, children. So I’m stuck in this impasse.
I don’t know where my life is leading me. I feel so up in the air. And I need guidance. I’m going to confession in a few days, and I’m looking out for my future, but I just don’t know right now.
I guess I’ll work my best at finishing high school, and a college education is so important too, but I just don’t know what I want to study, what to do, or where it will lead me.
Any prayers would be very appreciated right now, although that makes me feel guilty too, because there are so many others in this world who need it more than I do right now. Anyway, much love and devotion to anyone who read this, even if you don’t respond.
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Posted: Mon Dec 21, 2009 3:09 am
Ramble on!Sorry. Couldn't resist. First and foremost, you're still in high school. That means you're...what, somewhere between the ages of 14 and 18, correct? You're young. You don't have everything figured out, and guess what? That's okay! Give yourself a break. If you did know 100% for that you'd met your soul mate, or that you were called to a single life of celibacy, you'd be an extremely abnormal teenager indeed. Accept that you're young, you have your entire adult life ahead of you, and options and answers will become apparent to you as they're needed. Not to say that you shouldn't be thinking and praying for guidance, but try not to panic over not knowing ZOMG EXACTLY HOW THE NEXT 50 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE WILL UNFOLD. Secondly, don't be so down on yourself for craving love and acceptance from your fellow human beings. Mankind's ability to love one another, whether it be platonically, familially, or romantically, is a gift in itself. Of course you want to experience giving and receiving love with people as well as with God, because our ability to love each other is a beautiful blessing. Wanting to experience that blessing, in my mind, is hardly being selfish. If you want to honour and glorify a blessing granted to you from God, is that not also glorifying God Himself? Wanting to marry and raise a family is hardly any sort of sin, and it's certainly not a goal you should feel ashamed of. And if God has other plans for you, they'll become clearer in time.
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Posted: Mon Dec 21, 2009 8:10 pm
Thank you, so so incredibly much. You're so wonderful smile Looking back, I'm very melodramatic... heh... I tend to bottle things up and then freak out all at once... sweatdrop
I guess it's just because of going off to college, everyone is planning their lives, and I don't want to waste my time, or waste my life, or do anything wrong. My mother gets annoyed at me for going to church, and keeps harping on me about college things, and admist all this change and all the "lasts" of senior year, I don't want to make the wrong choice and regret it years later... But you're right, there is time, a lot of it.
I'll just focus on keeping my heart open and ears open so I can hear what He's trying to say.
Thank you, Sinful, and God bless you smile
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Posted: Wed Dec 23, 2009 11:22 am
It's okay to freak out every now and then. Making the jump from childhood to adulthood is scary for most people, and kids your age experience a lot of social pressure to have everything figured out by the time you're 18, which has always seemed ridiculous to me.
Try to relax about making the "right choice." You can change universities, change majors, take time off, drop out all together, and pick up and start all over again if you want to. You don't have to get it just right the first time. Your life isn't ruined if you realised that you chose the wrong thing to study or the wrong school to go to, or even the wrong boy to date. So long as you don't rush into taking any oathes or marriage vows, you have a fair amount of wiggle room to make mistakes and try things on for size.
You're more than welcome, and God bless you as well. smile
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Posted: Sat Dec 26, 2009 7:39 pm
May God bless you, dear.
I did just read your story, but.
I'd feel bad if I didn't post.
So I had to at least say something. smile
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