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 Posted: Mon May 24, 2010 4:53 pm
i feel really bad right now.
just really really low.
so my martial art teacher shot his wife and got arrested, got out on bond, living in the free world within my group of peers.
so like, he scares me, and i saw him in orange when i went to a hearing, and it was weird and caused me to come into conflict with my best friend, which is another story....but he didn't scare me. he's a scary person and the idea of seeing him makes me nervous, but i don't know. this doesn't really matter much, i'm just saying it. basically, he's sociopathic, manipulative, and can read people like size 48 comic sans. whether or not he's guilty, i don't know. but i do know he is powerful, and has 50 people i thought were sane wrapped around his finger supporting him in court.
so i've been swiftly dodging him at social events and i haven't seen him since. and it's hard, i was at a party once and he called the hostess to ask me if i "wanted him there" and that he would turn around if i wasn't comfortable with it. i didn't want to make a scene and leave, so i said no. it was..... so manipulative. why did he care whether or not i cared that much? and he told her not to let me leave, so she didn't, so i had to make a choice. these are the games he plays. it's ninja-like, and really ******** up, and it's why i don't train in martial arts anymore. it scares me.
well i got a call to babysit for this woman, who had my teacher, rob, stay with her when he got out on bond. well i wasn't sure where exactly he's living now, so i was under the impression he was still living there. and i was kind of freaking out a little. like i wanted to, and i kept telling myself i needed the money (it ends up i was lying to myself), but wasn't sure if i wanted to see him.
so i called my best friend about it. and i was afraid she'd be mad, and she kind of was, but she was like "are you doing this to babysit, or do you actually kind of want to see him?"
and then i realized she was right, it had nothing to do with babysitting.
there is something in me that wants to see him, and i know i won't be able to handle it emotionally. i know it'll bring bad stuff into my life, but i want to do it.
i just don't know.
i ended up calling the woman and told her i wasn't comfortable with seeing him, and she told me he wasn't even living there and hadn't been for months. i felt so bad about asking that, and my voice was kind of cracking on the phone because i got nervous and worked up. i feel so dumb right now.
so now i'm REALLY down and really embarrassed and i just don't know. i feel bad about myself. i just need someone to talk to. i don't feel good emotionally, spiritually, like i just don't know what i'm doing and what's wrong with me.
so i was thinking, do i have emotionally masochistic tendencies?
is this like, true? does it seem like i have issues like that?
or am i trying to fix something inside of me i'm not letting God help with?
i'm starting to find out that i have these holes in my heart that i don't want God to heal. and i just don't know how to let him in. like, it's like i'm not letting him love me the way i need him to, and i really don't know how to fix that.
i shouldn't feel this way, i should feel the need to put myself in danger to experiment with my feelings. what kind of sin is this?
how can i fix this?
i haven't felt close to God in months and it's left me really upset and kind of depressed, and i think me acting like this is a result of me not feeling close to God.
what can i do?
should i just arrange to see him to get it out of my system?
i'm like this all the time, doing stuff i know will scare me, upset me, and i'm constantly challenging myself and i don't know why.
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Posted: Wed Jun 09, 2010 8:50 pm
I don't think you are emotionally masochistic.
I think you are being emotionally manipulated by an extremely manipulative person.
What you are is confused, depressed, scared, and needing support through God. This manipulative person is playing your weaknesses and drawing you closer to them through this. This is how manipulative people work: they confuse you, then because of your confusion you feel bad about yourself, increasing your weakness, because of this weakness you seek a strong person, (in your case, you chose God, which is what all people should do) when you seek out this strong person, it is usually the offender themself and the cycle starts all over again. You are just caught up in a cycle of manipulation, nothing more. A sociopath is an extremely dangerous manipulator, they cannot relate to human feelings, meaning in turn they feel no remorse, and cause damage without feeling bad about consequences. This is a bad person to get into a cycle like that with. (anyone, for that matter) Do not meet up with him, talk to him, anything. Stay away from this poisonous person.
As for your holes you don't wish God to heal, I know how you feel. I suggest though, that you let him in. Carrying all that hurt and sadness; its like a constant reminder of bad things, and can only hurt you, constantly tearing at you. Remember, God loves you more than you can possibly imagine, he will wait forever outside your door, with patience and love. When you do open up the door, his love and healing will flood in like a river, and you will be so happy how much better you feel. Even if you only let him in slowly, and bit by bit let him heal you, you'll find God's healing is complete and positive. This healing can come in many ways (I think maybe your friend stuff may be some of that) : )
What you do is you break that cycle. Seek the true, loving power in God, and pray for him to heal your weakness. Pray for strength, and healing, and a clear mind.
When I need to try to get closer to God, I go back to positive memories in which God was involved. (For me, it was NCYC. I was on a spiritual high like never before, and I always go back to that when I need spiritual help. It reminds me how awesome, loving, and amazing God is) Memories that make me happy and warm my soul. Try to seek those memories, and immerse yourself. Then, pray a superwholelot. : )
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Posted: Thu Jun 10, 2010 7:12 pm
Neglected Pancake
I don't think you are emotionally masochistic.
I think you are being emotionally manipulated by an extremely manipulative person.
What you are is confused, depressed, scared, and needing support through God. This manipulative person is playing your weaknesses and drawing you closer to them through this. This is how manipulative people work: they confuse you, then because of your confusion you feel bad about yourself, increasing your weakness, because of this weakness you seek a strong person, (in your case, you chose God, which is what all people should do) when you seek out this strong person, it is usually the offender themself and the cycle starts all over again. You are just caught up in a cycle of manipulation, nothing more. A sociopath is an extremely dangerous manipulator, they cannot relate to human feelings, meaning in turn they feel no remorse, and cause damage without feeling bad about consequences. This is a bad person to get into a cycle like that with. (anyone, for that matter) Do not meet up with him, talk to him, anything. Stay away from this poisonous person.
As for your holes you don't wish God to heal, I know how you feel. I suggest though, that you let him in. Carrying all that hurt and sadness; its like a constant reminder of bad things, and can only hurt you, constantly tearing at you. Remember, God loves you more than you can possibly imagine, he will wait forever outside your door, with patience and love. When you do open up the door, his love and healing will flood in like a river, and you will be so happy how much better you feel. Even if you only let him in slowly, and bit by bit let him heal you, you'll find God's healing is complete and positive. This healing can come in many ways (I think maybe your friend stuff may be some of that) : )
What you do is you break that cycle. Seek the true, loving power in God, and pray for him to heal your weakness. Pray for strength, and healing, and a clear mind.
When I need to try to get closer to God, I go back to positive memories in which God was involved. (For me, it was NCYC. I was on a spiritual high like never before, and I always go back to that when I need spiritual help. It reminds me how awesome, loving, and amazing God is) Memories that make me happy and warm my soul. Try to seek those memories, and immerse yourself. Then, pray a superwholelot. : )
thanks a bunch, i'm glad you read this thread and replied even though it's several weeks old, because it's the precursor to the thread about me leaving. this was one of the reasons why i'm leaving, with some other things in between. you are very very wise, and i can tell you have a lot of grace in you. you say things i would tell other people, but really need to hear myself, so thank you smile and glad you understand the deal with my martial art teacher's manipulation, it's really hard to explain because it's so messed up.
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Posted: Thu Jun 10, 2010 11:09 pm
kikkaku Neglected Pancake
I don't think you are emotionally masochistic.
I think you are being emotionally manipulated by an extremely manipulative person.
What you are is confused, depressed, scared, and needing support through God. This manipulative person is playing your weaknesses and drawing you closer to them through this. This is how manipulative people work: they confuse you, then because of your confusion you feel bad about yourself, increasing your weakness, because of this weakness you seek a strong person, (in your case, you chose God, which is what all people should do) when you seek out this strong person, it is usually the offender themself and the cycle starts all over again. You are just caught up in a cycle of manipulation, nothing more. A sociopath is an extremely dangerous manipulator, they cannot relate to human feelings, meaning in turn they feel no remorse, and cause damage without feeling bad about consequences. This is a bad person to get into a cycle like that with. (anyone, for that matter) Do not meet up with him, talk to him, anything. Stay away from this poisonous person.
As for your holes you don't wish God to heal, I know how you feel. I suggest though, that you let him in. Carrying all that hurt and sadness; its like a constant reminder of bad things, and can only hurt you, constantly tearing at you. Remember, God loves you more than you can possibly imagine, he will wait forever outside your door, with patience and love. When you do open up the door, his love and healing will flood in like a river, and you will be so happy how much better you feel. Even if you only let him in slowly, and bit by bit let him heal you, you'll find God's healing is complete and positive. This healing can come in many ways (I think maybe your friend stuff may be some of that) : )
What you do is you break that cycle. Seek the true, loving power in God, and pray for him to heal your weakness. Pray for strength, and healing, and a clear mind.
When I need to try to get closer to God, I go back to positive memories in which God was involved. (For me, it was NCYC. I was on a spiritual high like never before, and I always go back to that when I need spiritual help. It reminds me how awesome, loving, and amazing God is) Memories that make me happy and warm my soul. Try to seek those memories, and immerse yourself. Then, pray a superwholelot. : )
thanks a bunch, i'm glad you read this thread and replied even though it's several weeks old, because it's the precursor to the thread about me leaving. this was one of the reasons why i'm leaving, with some other things in between. you are very very wise, and i can tell you have a lot of grace in you. you say things i would tell other people, but really need to hear myself, so thank you smile and glad you understand the deal with my martial art teacher's manipulation, it's really hard to explain because it's so messed up.
Glad I could help you : )
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Posted: Thu Jul 22, 2010 11:34 am
Lots and lots of adoration should help you heal. It's very hard to resist the presence of Christ when he's right there in front of you. The adoration rooms are always so peaceful it's hard to remember what you were worried about before you entered them. And if you start to cry, then no one there is in a position to judge you.
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