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No, this has nothing to do with my threesome topic and it tearing my marriage a part. This is something that almost completely blindsided me and felt so much like a tiny death but, like anyone who's ever gone through this, I'm coping.

The husband and I moved to Florida in April and it was a rough transition, to put it lightly. It meant a new, stressful job for him and me constantly growing outside of my comfort zone, put in situations that helped me, inevitably, but induced a flood of anxiety. He wanted to impress his dad, who he worked under (and is well to do) and me, floundering to get a host of things done I should have accomplished years ago, without family or friends in the same state as me.

Biggest thing: Driver's licence. It was never an issue before, as I could walk to work or he drove when he was out of a job, but I scooped up two jobs in a large area and it was causing an immediate problem. He had to leave work at the end of the day but wanted to stay and finish an impossible workload. He stressed I needed my licence. I got my permit and he tried to teach me and he was very harsh and impatient that it made me a nervous mess the entire time; I didn't fear driving as much as I feared disappointing him. Inevitably, I started taking the bus to work and, 2 months later, I got a friend to teach me to drive. I got my licence.

The biggest problem for him has been my phobic reaction to a challenge (like driving) and my lack of independence. What hurts is that I feel I've come so far. I've always worked, always made money, and have since conquored a host of fears in a few months. I work 50 hours a week, I drive, I take the initiative to push myself... but for him, it isn't enough. I'm not "at my best," I guess, and he has decided it'd be best for me to "strike out on my own."

But he doesn't want me to move. He wants me to stay. He says he'll pay all the bills so I can save money, get a car, go to school, or stay as long as I desire. He says he won't seek another woman. He says he'll miss me.

But he doesn't want to be with me.

I've tried counseling and he isn't interested. I tried going on my own and booked the appointment and he said we can't afford it (but we can afford the new X-Box he wants D: ). I'm not naive enough to hope things will get better because all these things point to a definite end: he's done. He doesn't want to try. He had been frigid since we moved to Florida, withdrawn, harsh, and even mean. I felt incompetent, belittled, and unloved since early April and it was a mounting, terrible thing until I finally agreed to separation. Now he's sweet. He cares about how I feel, wants to drive me to work, takes me out to eat, offers massages, initiates texts and wants to talk, laugh, and joke with me. We've talked numerous times. He shuts down, gets hungry, or relented to "try" and his "trying" was being cold and turning up the radio in the car so I wouldn't talk or painful nitpicking at my personality. You'd think I had dealt with such things for years with the painful frequency he dished things out but I hadn't. This was literally a -switch-. He had never, ever been that way before. Not to -me-.

I already have arrangements to move and transfer jobs, if I choose to, by the end of the month. I want to start over. I want to reconcile. I never want to talk to him again. I want to stay. I don't want to miss him. I still love him.

I want to be his wife, his equal, his best friend and I've felt like none. He expressed the "love has changed," and I pressed, and he said, "Well, I still love you, you make me happy, just not now," and, "I love you the way a man should love his wife." And yet, he has also said, "I feel more like your babysitter." --this was before I got my licence, not that it makes things much better. 3 and a half years of marriage and it's probably completely over.

This was very long, I'm sorry, but there's no way for me to sum this up. sad Just looking for unbiased input. Advice, similar stories, anything.

I'd guess that he isn't too sure what he wants. If he was sure I don't think he'd be doing so much back and forth on you.

And that means there might still be a chance if you want to keep trying. You could always get your own apartment not too far, give him space, and see how it goes. Maybe once he is away from you he will realize just how important you are to him. Because it's really easy to take things for granted when they are always there.

An ex said similar things to me once, I moved out, and he ended up asking me to come back. But it obviously ended eventually anyway...

Or you can say the hell with him and move wherever you want!

I've thought of finding my own apartment. It's conceivable since I make enough money. The only issue would be transportation but there are buses and I could stay until I bought my own car. The other part of me is just one, despondent scream, telling me to get out of Florida, start over, never be near him or see him again. Still, moving out and going to family makes me feel like I'm running away or taking the "easy" route. I deserve the easier way, though, don't I? These past few months have sucked hard enough. gonk

I wouldn't say so much it's the "easier" way - if as Lorien said, you're only in Florida because of him, then the logical point would be that there's no reason to stay there anymore if the marriage is over. You're right - it would be emotionally really hard to stay nearby, and then see him with another woman. I know I couldn't do that. I have at least one city in this province blocked off my "where to live list", for example, because I have an ex that lives there and it would be too painful for me to see him with his fiancee/wife. If you decided to leave, I don't think anyone would fault you for it. A clean break might be easier and better for you emotionally in the long run.

An update:

Somehow, we're still together, and I'm not yet sure it's for the best. I had prepared myself to let go and suddenly he was catching at me, wanting to hold on. It was a subtle thing, growing, and now it's months later; an old routine, shunning all that happened just months ago. Each stay, I still prep myself for the worst. I'm still in Survivor Mode. I think, "A month, a year from now, he'll just fall back out of love and we'll be back to square one, and this time, I won't be caught unawares." It hurts to think that, to almost know that--and it's definitely not healthy--but it's an improvement over thinking everything was my fault.

I understand relationships have their sour points but I don't know that I can ever trust someone that wanted to let me go. That told me he no longer loved me romantically. Even if things have made a 180 I can't leave those thoughts alone. They prey on me, devouring any good that happens almost daily in our relationship now. I feel poisoned.

There's therapy, I guess, but I doubt he'll take that route. There's another heart to heart talk on the matter and on my jaded feelings I should try to broach but I'm just so ******** bitter now and I can't help but wonder: What's the point of it all?

A lot has happened but it's like we've fallen into this arrangement unspokenly. Things are just the way they are; better, but definitely not healed. Not on my end, anyway. To be honest, I don't think I'm ready to broach the topic, even with all my misgivings.

Indifference has been my friend for awhile.

If I keep this marriage I need to talk about it, how things are, what he feels, inevitably. As of a week ago we are back to wearing rings; he initiated it. There are, "I love you's" and romantic gestures, unprovoked.

I just don't ******** trust it.

I don't know how I could bring it up, especially since I don't want to. But what happened in all those months is always at the back of my mind.

Basically, I'm not okay. I feel alone in all things and I don't let him know about it. Things are really good on the surface but none of it reaches me. I don't trust it. I don't trust him to love me. I want that to change but I don't want to be were I was, back in April, hating myself when I had ZERO reason to.

Inevitably, it's up to me, I know. Maybe this is a process. Healing or some crap. I don't know.