The 14th of June 2007 was the date that my heart stopped beating. It's an odd feeling really. Almost ticklish at first, but then when the horror sets in you tend to panic.
I had just got done running a full set of three two hundred meter dashes. My heart was racing and to monitor my improvement I needed to record my beats per minute (BPM). I slowed myself to a walk and checked for my pulse. In any normal case you'd find it right away, but in my case it wasn't there. My body was already weak from the run and shortly after realizing that my heart had stopped I fell to the ground. I couldn't move, or speak, and because of this I was useless to call for help. My body was drained of oxygen and I felt my mind slowly fading. The edges of my vision blurred into black, and oddly enough I felt at peace. For a brief moment in time I wanted to slip away. I wanted to move on to the other side of existence, and live in another life. I had actually wanted to die.
Just as I was about to slip away I felt a pressure on my chest. My coach was pushing down on my chest to get air into my lungs. I wanted to tell him that it was useless. My heart was the problem, not my lungs, but then I felt something. My heart skipped, and then began to beat once more. It was slow and staggered at first but I was alive again. Air rushed into my lungs after that, and I sat up breathing long heavy breaths.
Death is scary. It can take you away at any given moment in time, and after experiencing a close call I find myself terrified of almost everything. When I think about that day I remember how I had wanted to die. Even though it was only a brief feeling I still find myself scared of the thought that I had wanted to die, because it was a selfish idea.
A few days later I found out that there was a tumor growing along the stem of my brain just above the base of my skull. It was affecting the part of my brain that controlled my heart. I spent a long time in the hospital before they managed to remove the tumor, and before I managed to recover from the surgery. Aside from a minor heart murmur I am in good health. That's what the doctors had told me. At first their explanation for what had happened was that I had pushed myself too hard during training. They had believed that I had simply lost consciousness due to a lack of water, but thanks to my mother's persistence they did a CT scan, an MRI, and x-rayed every part of my body. Without my mother's concern for my health I wouldn't be here typing these letters. Being stuck in a hospital sucks, but being dead sucks more.
In any case, the message I am stating here is that going into the void is a journey that will certainly bring with it many surprises. I'm not sure what is beyond this life, but I am certain that going there will be a journey both terrifying and amazing. So don't feel rushed to answer the life long question of what happens after death. Instead enjoy what you know, and live the life you have now.
~Emilio
