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So it turns out that my recent ex that I posted earlier about lost in touch with me. Despite numerous efforts of mine trying to continue the friendship soon disappeared. Now I got this new issue with my first love.

Bit of background:
My first love and I dated for a year about four years ago. We've been on and off before for countless of times for ridiculous reasons such as parents, distance, etc. Last year we were serious about starting a relationship together but my father said no. We remained contact until I got a boyfriend (hence to about paragraph). Now we're both 18 and my parents finally consented. He has his license so distance is not an issue.

now the issue:
My first love texted me last month stating that he still wondered about me, coincidentally that same day he was on my mind to. I told him immediately I wasn't ready for a relationship and that I needed a friend, he understood but he continued to say he misses me/I love you.

He knows about me going to therapy, the abuse I had back then, etc. We saw each other three times during spring break and one of them we were intimate. But I stopped immediately and I asked him what are we, I even told him if this doesn't work out as I though I'll be pissed off at him and never speak to him again if he bails. and he tells me this:

"I'm sorta want to be in a relationship with you, but I'm not sure yet. We're not friends with benefits but we're not in a relationship yet. And I'm confused that you told me earlier you didn't want to be in a relationship as of yet."

I don't get what he meant. I'm still on guard about my feelings and trying not to get too attached. I got paranoid when he went to a party and girls were asking him to dance, but he politely said no because he was thinking of me. I can say I'm happy seeing him and glad we still have that spark. But at the same time he's so busy with work and school, I'm paranoid we won't talk as much thus what we have is going to fall apart. I'm getting my permit at the end of this month, plus I asked him to go to prom with me but he's not sure yet. His prom is the same day as mine and doesn't know which to pick.

I need help on what he meant by this. I know the next time he calls I'll ask him this. But I think it's getting ridiculous now because we act as if we're in a relationship even though he hasn't asked me out. When we were intimate I was the one who initiated it, and now I just don't...know. I told him I don't want to get hurt and constantly tell him he better not do anything stupid. Although now I don't wanna seem like I'm nagging toward him.

So I'm asking, what did he meant from what he says? Is there any way I can bring this up to him? Is this a red flag? Whats up with his mind?

I've mention it numerous times to him, but I don't wanna nag about it alot. I've told him somewhat with how I felt and he understands. However I can't help but keep my guard up and try not to get too attached because I'm afraid I'll get hurt again.

But I KNOW that if it does happen I know to just let him go completely. I'm upset that its like I'm being in an open relaitonship sorta.

I'm just a little afraid he'll bail out. He's done it before two years ago and I guess it's still sorta an "open wound".

I keep telling him not to do anything stupid, and he says we're still talking thus not to worry. I can't help it, I argued with my dad about him for at least a couple hours. I haven't talked to him in almost three days, last time I called he was working. So I said for him to call me back whenever and he...hasn't. He's a busy guy, but I really want to talk to him about this but also not to bug him too much.

I guess the reason why I'm acting like this is because I don't trust him completely...

Well I called him last night because it was the final straw. He didn't answer so I left him a test stating if he didn't wanna talk to me anymore at least be honest. Then an hour later it turns out he left his phone at his house since he didn't take it with him. I told him I was upset and alot has been going on lately, plus I miss talking to him on the phone.

Then I wrote I felt so homo telling him this, because I just feel wierd overall telling people what bother me. And he writes he was laughing, I replied but that was it.

He knows I was upset and he's constantly telling me to relax. But I'm so paranoid, I'm not calling him because I've been so busy and stressed this whole week. I've been having no sleep and waking up at Five in the morning because of senior activities being set up.

Aside from school, I know I should set my anxiety to a low limit. But I just can't help it, should I still continue to be on guard? I realized we have miscommunication and trust issues.

Alright, well this thread is solve. I need to move on from him.

Nikolita, I know this thread was solved. Although I do have a particular issue thats relevant.

My therapy sessions are nearing to the end, and my therapist believes that since as a baby I was rarely near my biological mother there is a possible "void" that I'm trying to feel to be loved. That since my parents' marriage isn't so lovey dovey nor my biological parents. I have this intensity that I won't be happy and be alone for the rest of my life. I'm not sure how to say it, but I'm thinking this is why I feel the need to try to have someone in my life romantically.

I'm being too co dependent and I'm working on improving myself. But this particular boy really gets to my feelings alot and I don't know why. I think it has something to do with being my first love, since I heard its one of the hardest to get over.

I saw him yesterday at my grad night, to get to the point he was surprised to see me and completely turns away as I walked toward him to say hi. Him ignornig me really did make my heart feel as if it got hit by a train. I wish he realized the damaged he's caused me.