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 Posted: Wed Apr 27, 2011 2:26 am
It has been a while since I have posted anything in this guild so if I restate something I have already said, I apologize in advance. So, I have been subject to a fairly drastic change of opinion and mindset in the last year or so, mainly getting to be noticeable now, for me at least. I know Nikolita knows this, but a long while ago, a person I believed to be my friend lied to me, and essentially created a fake girlfriend for me, just to make me look like a fool over the net, taking major advantage of my trust, and it was a job well done. Add into that, I was rejected by a friend who I asked out numerous times, and eventually cut ties with her. After over a year of doing nothing in terms of asking people out, or even trying to...I just stopped thinking about it. I ask you all though, is it normal or healthy that...
My Minimal interest in Sex has diminished to flat out zero.
My interest in Gaining a relationship has become just a nagging thought in the back of my head, when it was once front and centre.
and lastly, My lack of interaction with people is hammering at the back of my head now as well, I very often get a thought in my head to strike up conversation with people, to be more polite than before and just all in all be motivated to try, as opposed to looking to friends, which has not worked for me. Though it has all failed due to my stressing over how I would be perceived.
I have asked the people of this guild for help an awful lot, and you guys always manage to at least help me out, if not make me feel better, it is just the flip in my outlook is really nagging at the back of my head.
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Posted: Wed Apr 27, 2011 8:34 am
It's usually better if finding a relationship is not your main goal. When finding a relationship is someone's main goal, it's often because there are some things about themselves or their lives that they don't like and they think having a partner can fix those things. But they're usually wrong. And if you're always looking for a relationship, you're more likely to just take whatever comes along. It's better to like yourself, to not feel like you need a relationship to be complete, to not be desperate, and to not jump into things. So I think the fact that wanting a relationship has moved from center stage to the back burner is actually a healthy thing.
I also think it's good that you're being more social and trying to make new friends. It sounds like you've had a lot of not so great friends in the past, so maybe you can find some new ones that can offer more support. Don't get discouraged if you don't make a ton of new and great friends right away though. Making real friends can take a lot of time and can require a lot of weeding through chumps. In the meantime, just have fun talking to people, getting out, and brushing up on your social skills!
The no sex drive thing might not be entirely bad either, although it really depends on what is at the root of it. If you're less in the mood because you're depressed, that's not so good. And I might have thought you were depressed, but the whole trying to make new friends things doesn't really scream depression to me. If you find yourself less in the mood because you're out of the house more and not thinking about sex and relationships as much, then that's not so bad. I went through a year and a half of college with no sex drive (didn't even masturbate), even though I had been very sexual before that. I was single, I was busy (in a good way), and I just didn't think about sex much. Then when I started seeing someone, the drive came right back!
So those things all sound normal enough to me. Some of them even sound like healthy changes. 3nodding I wouldn't worry about it if I were you unless you feel like something isn't right, like you could really be depressed, or like your motives for doing these healthy things are not healthy.
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Posted: Thu Apr 28, 2011 4:45 am
Thanks Lorien, I didn't realize the complete lack of a sex drive could be from just a different mindset. As for the relationship not being on the back burner, I used to be one of those people who thought it would solve things for me if I had formed one, up until quite recently in fact. Since I have found out that I really was not ready for the stress involved. Though I would still love being in a relationship, what you said makes a lot of sense.
Just going to mention however, that my social skills need an awful lot of brushing up. So I hope they do the job. No idea where to start though,..guess I'll figure it out eventually.
Again, Thanks. Reading your reply was made me much less uneasy.
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Posted: Mon May 02, 2011 10:33 am
I think you feel subconsciously that if you look for a relationship, you're setting yourself up for disappointment.
If you truly feel no desire what-so-ever to have sex or a relationship of any kind, you might be asexual, but it's unlikely.
Just because you don't want to be in a relationship in this moment, doesn't mean you'll always feel this way. Wait it out, you never know, you could find someone who will treat you right and you may start feeling ready to have a relationship with them.
I love what Lorien said, you shouldn't have this desperate need to look for a relationship. If you are, than your priorities aren't right and you ultimately need someone to tell you your self worth, which isn't even the slightest bit healthy.
Growing up, I never had many friends, I found it really hard to relate to a lot of the other girls. Eventually, I made friends easily once my confidence grew. It took time and practice, but I soon had many friends and was social with almost everyone around me.
You should work on your confidence and work slightly outside your comfort zone. You'll be making friends in no time.
You're hurt, you feel betrayed, and maybe making a whole bunch of new friends isn't the greatest decision for you right now. Start off slow, don't expect to jump right back into life.
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Posted: Tue May 03, 2011 3:51 pm
Thank you, that was well said. That last line in particular hit home. You misunderstood on one point however, I am still interested in getting into a relationship, but the desire is much more apprehensive then it was before all of the stuff leading up until now.
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