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My current boyfriend has been the type of guy who wants kids but is willing to not have kids with me to be with me and to hopefully marry me someday. He said this early on when we started going out. I told him early on that I feel really strongly about never having kids and wanting to get sterilized. I'm flattered, but I can't take it too seriously though I'm sure he believes what he says. I think he may have said this out of some desperation. After the last talk of what if I became pregnant (abortion, even if it has to be self induced, me raising a child is absolutely out of the question). He was asking a bunch of what ifs within what ifs and I was answering, and I felt more insecure and worried about having vaginal sex with him and ending up pregnant even though I'm on the pill and I know its effective, but there's still that risk.

It got me thinking more realistically about my option of having my tubes tied than I have before. I thought more about how hard it is to find a willing doctor, how expensive it is (I'm dirt poor), and the risk of changes to my health and sex drive compared to a man getting a vasectomy. Its so much easier for a guy to get one, so much cheaper, and with much less risk/complications. His sex drive wouldn't change at all! (sex is important to me).

Even though my boyfriend would probably want and have children if he was with someone else and got married, I think its reasonable if he or anyone else asked me to marry him (which to me should be a life long commitment you make) that I would ask/require him to get a vasectomy right before or after we get married if he really intends to spend the rest of his life with me. People make what should be assumed as permanent decisions to get married and have kids. The women go through 9 months of pregnancy, give birth, and generally do most of the work with parenting. If those marriages fail, they're still stuck with their kids and they will always be parents. They cannot undo their reproductive decision within that marriage and it will kick them in the butt to become single parents, which are women most of the time who have custody of the kids.

With this, I think it would be fair and ok if a guy who wants to make the life long commitment of marrying me, a childfree woman, to also be required to make the permanent reproductive decision to sterilize himself (even though he would make the decision to have kids if with someone else). I wouldn't be forcing this decision on him, that would ultimately be his choice to marry me and get sterilized or not, its just that this would be my personal requirement for any guy who wants to marry me. I haven't seen this discussed and I just thought of it a week ago. I'd like to hear what others think about this and if they would also require a guy who wants to marry them to have one too.



UPDATED

Thanks for your input. This is just an idea I had that I'd like to think about more and discuss more to break it apart and test its validity. I know its probably best to just get a sterilization for myself (especially for insurance if there is a break up), but I want to think about this as a possible alternative to that if I actually did have a guy that I would spent a lifetime with. I want to add that my boyfriend already said he wanted to marry me someday and I had a childfree ex-boyfriend before who wanted to marry me too. My position on marriage is I don't care if I never get married, I'd be happy to never marry. But if I do end up married, its fine if I do but only if its something really sure of that would last a long a** time. I used to be against the idea of me ever getting married. Even now I don't think marriage is necessary to keep up a long term relationship that could last close to a lifetime if it just so happens to last that long.

Its just that I'm thinking about a guy sterilizing himself for me could just be his ticket for marrying me. It really is the ultimate way to show that he actually wants to commit to me for life. I want to stress that this wouldn't be anything I would try to force, nag on, nor coerce a guy to get sterilized. Its just a requirement. if I were to say it to a guy wanting to marry me, it would probably be like "I'll only marry a guy who would be ok and willing to get sterilized" or perhaps "I have most motive to marry/stay together/settle with a guy who is sterilized. And if I got myself sterilized, I have less motivation to marry/settle down". If a guy who wants to marry me doesn't want to get sterilized, its perfectly ok, but I may not want to tie the knot with him. And if I got sterilized myself, I probably wouldn't feel a real motive to marry any particular guy, but if he had himself sterilized it would be like my glue to him and perhaps him to me beyond the love of a relationship. Sort of, or rather just like how kids would be the motive/glue for a couple to stay together.

My reasoning may be all over the place on this and that my main reasoning has changed from the first time I posted, but I'm hoping someone might understand where I'm trying to get at. I'm ultimately trying to find valid reason for a position of only marrying a guy if he is/gets sterilized.


I've looked up Essure, it really looks like the best solution even though it costs so much. Glad I know about that now, thank you so much mrgreen . Though if Essure didn't exist or if I could never get it, I still wonder if the position of wanting a guy to sterilized before marrying him can still be valid under certain reasoning.

I do not mean to be too harsh, but neutral You think Vasetcomies are cheap? They may seem cheaper.. but you must have kids to get them for cheap.

I still say you are being unreasonable. What are you putting up to show your commitment? Please tell me what physical object you are putting up or giving up to show your commitment? The only thing I see is you are saying you would try harder to make sure the marriage would work. If I was the man in question. I would make you sign some kind of prenuptial agreement. That says you cannot file for divorce. If you want a divorce tough beans or you have to pay out the amount that would be required to get a reverse vasectomy procedure. Regardless of whether or not I get the procedure reversed. You know or something of similar value. Maybe something like if you want to divorce you forfeit any and all assets you have and cannot claim alimony or something. Or even worse, that if I change my mind about having a kid you have to go through invetro or I am allowed to adopt. At least with a physical object of some kind I can sell it. To get closure, I can save it for the next woman. I mean what if you die? What good is your verbal promise then?

I am a childfree guy, and I would not marry you with your condition. I would just say Well we can be together for ever and married in our hearts. Keep in mind I am childfree and I am saying you are being unreasonable.

I am a firm believer of never ask someone to do what you are not willing to do. You are not willing to get yourself sterilized therefore why should a guy be willing to do it for you? I think deep down you know what you are asking is wrong. I mean for the same price I could buy a wife from another country and she would try 1000 times harder to stay together because she would be deported if we did not.

-- Another Question --
Also if I follow your logic. You can only marry men who are fertile. How is an already sterile guy supposed to show is commitment?