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 Posted: Fri Jul 27, 2012 8:08 am
Ok I already new my boyfriend was had kind of a dark past and wasn't a virgin like me. What I new was that he's had sex twice. Last night I found out the second girl was a fling...a fling that happens many times over a few months. I cried when I found this out. I told him that sex is something that should be cherished, the most intimate thing between two people and he said still feels super guilty and hates him self sometimes for not realizing that at the time. I was thinking how close I came to losing my virginity to him on our last "monthaversary". I told him that it almost disgusts me that I came that close to doing it with someone who considers it a casual activity. I really upset him and he was crying last night, but at the same time I was really upset too. We were going to be celebrating our half a year on sunday but now...things are so up in the air. I still love him...I'm just so confused right now. crying
On a side note I have no one to talk to about this. My best friend is at church camp and can't text. And my other friend I usually get advice from warned me about him before we started dating and basically said "Can I have permission to say I told you so? Just remember your beautiful and loved, good night" emo
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Posted: Fri Jul 27, 2012 9:14 am
I used to feel the same way you do. I thought sex was something that should only be done between two people in love. My first time having sex was with a guy that had had sex once before in a one night stand. A group one night stand nonetheless. I was disgusted by his past. I was angry about it. I thought it was sick. I thought it was wrong. But I cared about him, and I did my best to just move forward.
Two years later we broke up for a little while. I met another guy. I thought we had something. We slept together. Turns out he was just using me. I was pissed.
I got back together with the first guy for about two more years.
About one year later, I met another guy. He had a very....active past. Very active. I didn't love it. But I found it a lot easier to not dwell on it that time.
A year and a half later, we broke up. I met another guy. I thought we had something. Turns out he was just using me too. But I wasn't pissed... In fact, I felt....good. I almost felt like I was waking up from a dream. I realized that even though we didn't end up together, I still had fun. A lot of fun.
And that's when everything changed for me. I didn't think sex had to just be about love anymore. I didn't think sex and commitment had to go hand in hand. I didn't judge people by their sexual past anymore. I didn't feel hurt if a partner had a different sexual history than I had. I didn't worry about being compared to other women. I went on to have some amazing experiences. I don't apologize or regret any of them. I feel good about myself and my past. And I'm currently in a great five and a half year relationship.
So I can totally see where you are coming from because I was there once too. But I've also seen the other side.
Here's how I see it now. Some people see sex as a very emotional, loving, and romantic thing. Other people just see it as a fun physical activity. And that's ok. It's ok for people to see it in different ways. Neither side is right or wrong. But when people judge others for not seeing sex the same way they do, and when they try to make their partner feel guilty about their sexual past just because it differs from their own, that is wrong. A person's past is a big part of what makes them who they are today. I would be a very different person today without all of my experiences, including my sexual ones. If you love who someone is today, you have to accept their past.
It sounds like this guy is almost the opposite of me - he saw sex in a more casual way, now he sees it in a more romantic way, and he apologizes about his past. That's fine. The way I see it, you have two real options. You can accept the fact that he once saw sex differently than he does now and that he had a casual sexual encounter. Or you can leave him and look for someone who sees sex the same way you do and has never seen sex in any other way. But to make him feel bad about his past, to call his past "dark" just because he didn't decide to have sex for the first time at the exact same moment that you'll decide you want to have sex for the first time, to cry, to get upset, to make him keep apologizing, etc. isn't really fair to him if you ask me.
If you want to accept his past but are struggling to, here's another way to look at it. Let's say you had sex with this guy. Let's say everything was great for like five years. Then you guys broke up. You moved on. You met someone else. He was great...well, except for the fact that he's a virgin and he's mad at you and tries to make you feel bad for having sex before you met him. I know that's not exactly the situation that you're in, but still. How would you feel if someone you cared about and wanted to be with couldn't accept your sexual past, and judged you, and tried to make you feel bad about it?
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Posted: Fri Jul 27, 2012 9:53 am
LorienLlewellyn I used to feel the same way you do. I thought sex was something that should only be done between two people in love. And that's when everything changed for me. I didn't think sex had to just be about love anymore. I didn't think sex and commitment had to go hand in hand. I didn't judge people by their sexual past anymore. I didn't feel hurt if a partner had a different sexual history than I had. I didn't worry about being compared to other women. I went on to have some amazing experiences. I don't apologize or regret any of them. I feel good about myself and my past. And I'm currently in a great five and a half year relationship. I feel like this is probably how I'm going to feel after I have sex with more then one person too. But...for my first time I want it to be something (someone) special. Oh and btw I do believe in sex before marriage so I'm not like a prude or anything about it... Quote: But when people judge others for not seeing sex the same way they do, and when they try to make their partner feel guilty about their sexual past just because it differs from their own, that is wrong. A person's past is a big part of what makes them who they are today. I would be a very different person today without all of my experiences, including my sexual ones. If you love who someone is today, you have to accept their past. I'm really REALLY trying to accept it. And I'm not trying to make him feel guilty on purpose. Quote: It sounds like this guy is almost the opposite of me - he saw sex in a more casual way, now he sees it in a more romantic way, and he apologizes about his past. That's fine. The way I see it, you have two real options. You can accept the fact that he once saw sex differently than he does now and that he had a casual sexual encounter. Or you can leave him and look for someone who sees sex the same way you do and has never seen sex in any other way. But to make him feel bad about his past, to call his past "dark" just because he didn't decide to have sex for the first time at the exact same moment that you'll decide you want to have sex for the first time, to cry, to get upset, to make him keep apologizing, etc. isn't really fair to him if you ask me. I didn't mean to sound like I'm the only thing judging his past. He's called it dark before I even knew all the details. Also...He lost his virginity to the first girl at 15...I'm 15 now. So the age difference makes it a lot harder. I don't want to break up with him, I love him..I really do. We'll see how things turn out today when he comes over to talk this out.... Quote: Let's say you had sex with this guy. Let's say everything was great for like five years. Then you guys broke up. You moved on. You met someone else. He was great...well, except for the fact that he's a virgin and he's mad at you and tries to make you feel bad for having sex before you met him. This is another reason I'm so cautious about having sex. That and I don't want to be "just another girl he slept with" to my current BF. He says that i wont be because I'm the first girl he's ever loved but idk...
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Posted: Fri Jul 27, 2012 12:56 pm
Staring Berry This is another reason I'm so cautious about having sex. That and I don't want to be "just another girl he slept with" to my current BF. He says that i wont be because I'm the first girl he's ever loved but idk... I don't know him, I don't know what he's thinking, and I don't know what the future will be like, so I can't say for sure, but I'd bet that you wouldn't be "just another girl he slept with." Just because I have been with multiple guys doesn't mean that I don't value them as people. I'm not in contact with any of them now (for various reasons), but I did stay in contact with some of them for years after. So I don't think you have to worry about that too much. It sounds like he cares about you right now. Even if you two don't last forever, that will never take away the fact that he cares about you right now.
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Posted: Sun Aug 12, 2012 10:27 pm
LorienLlewellyn It sounds like this guy is almost the opposite of me - he saw sex in a more casual way, now he sees it in a more romantic way, and he apologizes about his past. That's fine. The way I see it, you have two real options. You can accept the fact that he once saw sex differently than he does now and that he had a casual sexual encounter. Or you can leave him and look for someone who sees sex the same way you do and has never seen sex in any other way. But to make him feel bad about his past, to call his past "dark" just because he didn't decide to have sex for the first time at the exact same moment that you'll decide you want to have sex for the first time, to cry, to get upset, to make him keep apologizing, etc. isn't really fair to him if you ask me. If you want to accept his past but are struggling to, here's another way to look at it. Let's say you had sex with this guy. Let's say everything was great for like five years. Then you guys broke up. You moved on. You met someone else. He was great...well, except for the fact that he's a virgin and he's mad at you and tries to make you feel bad for having sex before you met him. I know that's not exactly the situation that you're in, but still. How would you feel if someone you cared about and wanted to be with couldn't accept your sexual past, and judged you, and tried to make you feel bad about it? As usual, Lorien says it better than me. smile It's not fair to hold his past against him. He's made his choices, and you can either deal with it or you can't. If you're someone who romanticizes sex, and he isn't, then that's something you're going to have to accept as Lorien said. (I do get where you're coming from though.) My first boyfriend, we started dating at 16 and slept together at 17. I was on the Pill and we had condoms and whatnot. We dated for a little more than 2 years before our relationship fell apart (we both had issues). It took a little while after we split, but we've stayed in very loose contact and are casual friends. We were both virgins when we slept together, but I have no regrets. As Lorien said, we cared about each other at the time and it was an act of love. That's all that mattered. My second boyfriend, who I got together with a month after the previous one, had a much more extensive sexual history than I. He'd lost his virginity in his mid-teens (I was 18 and he was about 20 when we met and started dating) and had more experience than me. I never felt that I was "just another girl he slept with", and his sexual past (while initially a little surprising for me) was something I just dealt with and accepted. It was never a really big deal. Honestly the biggest impression I get from reading your posts is that you don't trust him enough to sleep with him yet. And that's ok. If your gut reaction is to hold off, then wait. There's no set timeline for when a couple should first have sex. So keep doing what you're doing, which is to communicate with your boyfriend. Touch base and see how you're both feeling about the issue, and make sure he respects your decision to wait. If you aren't ready, or don't trust him, then don't give in just for the sake of giving in. If you're going to be sexually active with someone, then it's a smart idea to make sure you trust your partner first before anything happens, no? 3nodding
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