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Gosh, I feel totally embarrassed typing this. It's going to be long, so I apologize.

If anyone remembers my last thread I made on the sub forum here, well it's about the same guy. And I apologize if it doesn't make any sense or grammar punctuation. I'm 19, he's 22.

Let me tell you about him first:
He's recently not in school because he owed over 400 dollars because he dropped a class. Because of that reason he wasn't able to enroll last semester. He paid it off but because of budget cuts he can't go to school this semester since it is full. He's a full time manager at this restuarant who works nearly 8-9 hours a day. On some days, he's work from 3pm to midnight. At times he comes home around 1 AM. Sometimes after closing the restuarant, he has to open it the next morning and wakes up at 5:30-6AM then come home at 5pm. So sometimes he'll only have 3-4 hours of sleep.

To make this short:
I've been casually dating this guy for nearly a year now. At first in the beginning I didn't want a relationship because I felt it never usually works out at my age and nobody really knows what they want in a guy. I've been in a couple serious relationships before, but the guys were either abusive or stupid. I met this guy at my college and we hit it off nicely. Eventually I brought up the subject of dating, and he says that he can't be in a relationship because he doesn't have the time for it. (explains above) I told him I didn't want to be in a relationship either. Deep down, I never told him I have no casual dating experience whatsoever. I mean I have dated guys, and most of the time i just ditched them because they weren't so interesting to me. Except this guy.

Eventually I lost my virginity to him. He's had multiple partners before me, so he made sure if this is what I really wanted. I agreed and we did. This whole year we pretty much act like friends with benefits I guess based from what my friend told me. We act like a couple: we have sex, go out to eat, watch movies, hold hands, all that jazz. I didn't like him at all much in the beginning, but over time I began to grow fondly of him.

So now, I can't really be sure whether I just enjoy his company and the sex or have romantic feelings for him. I don't think I'm in love with him though, since all I ever think about is just me and him cuddling and sex. But I guess I am attach to him. I have dated other guys but whenever I go out I feel totally guilt so I stopped and only been seeing this guy. I love being around him, I've never felt so respected and gentlemanlike from a guy that's been interested in me. I love how we have so much in common, and yet we never have any arguments. We get along so great. Sometimes I think how it'll be like just me and him actually being together. And I noticed that our sex went from casual to somewhat being passionate and romantic overtime.

I couldn't hold it in anymore, so I told him vaguely last week. I admit, I never told him the actually truth. I still told him I didn't want to be in a relaitonship because school and work we'll be too much for me. I asked him, "you know...we've been hanging out a lot, what if we suddenly just stop seeing each other?" He gave me this long speech about something, I wasn't paying attention because I was half asleep and he was going off the point. All I ehard from his blabbering was that "I don't see you in that way Cindy, I really hope you're the Cindy I know thaat you'll be okay if it ever happened. I can't say why or what it would be to make us stop talking."

Deep down, my heart dropped. I had my composure, and then he went on about his deepest fears, his secrets, and just hoped that I was okay. I still cry somethimes. It was until two week before I realized that I've gotten used to him and being so comfortable around him. I know it's wrong, to have some false hope that maybe if things don't change he'll maybe think I got potential. Like I'm good enough to be his girlfriend. I know I can be the best girl any guy can ask for... I just wanted it to be with him. A part of me wants to just tell him I can't do this anymore because I feel guilty during sex. And a part of mine just wants to continue having whatever we have. He's not seeing anyone else besides me, he admits. He hasn't because he feels special and we have this bond together. I had sex with him becuase I felt he was the right person to do it with. He isn't an a*****e to me at all, we get along great actually.

Right now we still lovey dovey with each other, like if he's clear everythings fine. I'm really not.

I wrote alot, but I just want some input if anyone has felt this or experiences it before. This whole friends with benefits, he never considers me his friend, just seems fishy to me. Thank you for reading.

No this helps a lot, thank you.

I guess yes, I admit that because most of the relationships I see through my friends and family are all of lies and bullshit. My friends' relationships are really unhealthy, so I avoid to be in a relaitonship because it helps me be not blind from what is healthy and what is not.

I've been in two really bad relationships, where the love was blind. I'm not in a rush to be in a relationship, but there should be a limit to this right?

To be honest, I wouldn't stop what you two have going. It sounds like the relationship my boyfriend I have, though we fell for each other very fast even though he wasn't wanting a relationship. He wanted to be a priest and kept telling me that he can't be in a relationship but we can see each other. I'm sure the both of you will get to a point and have a long talk together to figure out what to make of this relationship. I do wish the both of you luck.

I'm just afraid that I'll be devastated if it does happen.

When people ask him if he's dating anyone, he states he's involved with someone. I admit having sex with him got me attached, but that was until like 8 months afterwards. I don't really fall in love that easily. But I don't even know whether I am. stare