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 Posted: Fri Feb 20, 2015 7:50 pm
hello hello, my name is Carolyn.
Anyone in this guild that has visited my little journal-type post thing before kinda knows where this is going, but if you haven't here's some info:
I am almost 21 now, and for most of my life I've struggled with what I am pretty sure is depression, but I've never really talked to anyone or tried to get help before.
Back in high school there was one time where I was in a particularly dark place, I was thinking about killing myself almost every day, I was actually pretty close to killing myself to be honest, but I'm not really going to get into those details right now!
At that point in my life I tried to talk to my friend about my struggles, but she brushed them off, and it has taken me a long time to start trying to talk about things again. I started by talking about it with one of my friends online.
This past fall things started getting pretty bad for me again. I had issues with self harm for a long time, and I thought I had that in check, but nope. I ended up taking a mental health screening that my school had linked to online which said my answers were "highly consistent with depression", but the only thing that they really suggest is that I contact one of the counselors at the college, and I'm not sure if that's what I want to do or not.
Basically I am making this post because I am not sure what I should do. I'm not quite sure if I am ready to confide in one of my friends again, or if I should go about trying to seek professional help. And if I should I don't even know where to start....
My mom is in charge of my insurance, so I don't know what would be covered under it or what kind of doctor I need to talk to about this. (And I really don't want to talk to her about this, my parents are probably the last people I want to talk to about this, because I know exactly how they will react)
I just know I am sick of feeling this way and I want to get help. I want to stop feeling so worthless and lost, or like I deserve to just die.
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Posted: Sat Feb 21, 2015 10:41 am
I think a professional is your best bet. *hug*
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Posted: Sat Feb 21, 2015 1:29 pm
I think you need professional help. It might seem like a big step - but having someone that has a degree in understanding what you're going through might just be the right thing.
Remember - there is always a positive in life. It can be as small as some chocolate pudding (if you like that), or as big as helping at a charity foundation. Many hospitals have professionals that can help you.
Stay Positive
*Hugs*
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Posted: Sat Feb 21, 2015 11:17 pm
ohh sweetie, i'm so sorry you feel this way! You can always vent to me if you need to, i also have been struggling with depression for years so i can empathize!
My best advice, like others have said, is to seek help. A lot of insurances, unfortunately, don't cover mental health, but definitely research yours! But your college counselors are also trained to help you so go find one you're comfortable talking to.
I know it can be hard, but try and find something positive every day! We'd certainly miss you if you were gone.
I'm sending you lots of love and good vibes!
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Posted: Sat Mar 21, 2015 1:56 am
I was also in depression near 18. I was really stressed out also. I never smiled. I was always angry. Before that I did confess one time to my mom that I wanted to kill myself and my mom said if I die what would she do without me and that she love me.
Life is hard. They will be people that hate you, customers that put their anger on you, people that hurt you,backstab,... MANY THINGS...
Find out what caused your depression, then you will know also what to talk about with your psy. Because anyways this is what they want to know.
What I did in my case. Every time something made me mad or sad I would talk about it . With someone who wants to help me.
Sometimes it was Gaia that helped me. That's why I'm still there.
I also read articles on how to be more positive, how to overcome mockery etc.
It is not easy. But every effort will make you stronger and lead you out of depression.
Today, I felt really frustrated and I cried. I let all that frustrated into tears.
I thought again what I am grateful for in life, what I aspire to do, what I like to do.
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Posted: Sat Mar 21, 2015 8:54 am
The Gaia community will always be there for you. ALWAYS. Even if you feel like we aren't. I am here if you ever just need to say what's on your mind, whatever it is. I've been struggling with different levels of depression since I was about 14. And I'm almost 21 now. I've also had many thoughts of killing myself, as well. And I've cut myself. I can't say that you should seek professional help, even though it's a good idea. Take baby steps if you need to. Do something that you love, eat something you love, cuddle with someone you love, etc. If you like to write/type, put whatever bad feelings you have into a journal, online or on paper. And let people see what you are thinking. Because, trust me, putting your thoughts out there for people to see and understand is huge. It's sort of a way of letting go.
Just remember: there ARE people in the world (including me) who care about you and want you alive and well. Every life matters, sweetie. Your life matters.
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