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 Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2025 8:14 am
By the time Riker made it upstairs, his thoughts had already looped through the conversation with Evan three or four times. Every word, every pause. He couldn’t stop wondering how much of it Julian had caught. He didn’t want him worrying. Didn’t want him thinking he was falling apart again. Especially now that Evan had gone through all the trouble of patching him up.
He adjusted the way the pajama shirt fell over his chest, not wanting it to agitate where his wounds had been bandaged too much. It was probably silly, but he already had the ice pack tucked under the bandages of his chest. The small bottles of medicine tucked carefully into his pajama pants pocket. The sight of Julian there waiting for him startled him with a sudden, too familiar wave of fondness and embarrassment all at once.
“Hey,” he said, maybe a little too quickly, like he’d been caught sneaking in late. “Before you start worrying-- there was a youma. It was on Lisse’s arm, so I jumped in to help. And it, uh--” He lifted his hands a bit, showing the fresh bandages and gave a small, sheepish wince of a smile. “--got me with its teeth. And uh, maybe got some quills stuck in my chest. It was hard to tell in the dark. Anyway, Lisse said he was going to the hospital for stitches, but it didn’t look too bad. I didn’t let the thing rip a chuck out of him, there were just bite marks. And he was talking a lot, so I think he’ll be fine.”
He moved to the side of the room where Julian’s desk was, and quietly placed the ibuprofen and benadryl in the drawer where Julian usually kept them.
“Evan just helped me clean up and wrap everything. I’m okay, really. It just looks worse than it is. But uh… thanks for the medicine. And I know you were the one who cleaned up the mess I left at the front door, so thank you for that, too.”
He hesitated for a moment, shuffling his feet a little as he picked at the bandages around his fingers. “I, um… hope you didn’t take anything I said the wrong way. I’m not sure what you heard but--” He cut himself off and exhaled softly. “Anyway, I’m fine. I promise.”
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Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2025 8:16 am
Julian had been sitting on the edge of the bed when Riker arrived, hunched over with his fingers laced together. He jumped to his feet as soon as Riker entered, smiling quickly, apologetically.
He managed to stay perfectly still during all of it, though his eyes followed Riker as he returned the pills to the drawer he kept them in. There were two other bottles, and some paperwork shoved in the drawer, in a uniquely chaotic way that was very different from the careful organization of the rest of the room.
His expression shifted only once, in visible alarm, when Riker mentioned Lisse had gone to the hospital. He glanced at his phone like he might text him, but Julian didn’t move.
Riker seemed sure Lisse was okay. Julian trusted him.
He couldn’t text Luke to ask if he was okay without outing Riker so he’d have to come up with something clever but it was hard to focus on anything else when he had a guilty conscience.
“I’m sorry,” he blurted. He looked like he wanted to wring his hands together but held them very still by keeping his fingers clasped tightly.
“I didn’t mean to hear. I tried not to listen. I was just dropping off the towels,” he explained, “I was doing the laundry. But then I heard the voices and–I don’t know. I really didn’t mean to eavesdrop.”
His brows were furrowed intensely, and it was clear he was wrestling with his expression as he tried to force it into something more neutral. “I froze up. I tried to block it out but–um, I did hear some. I just wanted you to know that I’m sorry. I should have left quicker, I don’t know what happened. I don’t usually–” he winced slightly “–it doesn’t usually happen like that.” He swallowed, and lost the battle with his hands as he began wringing them together. “I just forgot how to make my body move and I–” he cut himself off, shoulders slumping.
“I’m sorry, it sounds so stupid when I say it like that. I’m really sorry, Riker. I didn’t mean to do that. I’ll do better next time. I mean–no, I don’t want you to get hurt again, I don’t want a next time like that, but–” he cut himself off again, eyes flicking to the floor briefly. “Sorry, I’m not trying to make this worse. I just wanted you to know that I didn’t mean to do that and I’m sorry and if there’s anything I can do, please tell me.”
He half-turned, gesturing toward the bed. “I made the bed,” he added, like it wasn’t something he did every day anyway.
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Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2025 8:18 am
Riker stared at him for a second, halfway bent over as he finished sliding the second bottle into the drawer. Julian’s words were heavier than he expected. Not because of what he’d said, but because of how tightly he seemed to be holding himself together.
“Hey,” he said quietly, straightening back up. “You don’t have to do that.”
He crossed the small space between them before he even thought about it, holding his hands out like he meant to steady Julian -- and then remembered his own bandages and just let his hands hover there instead.
“You didn’t do anything wrong. Seriously. You were doing the laundry. You weren’t trying to… I don’t know. Spy on me. And honesty?” he continued, a tiny, self-conscious smile tugged at his lips. “It’s probably a good thing you heard. I wanted to tell you all of that eventually anyway. I just… hadn’t figured out how to start. So, you kinda saved me from having to come up with an awkward speech.”
He shifted on his feet, letting his hands lower back down to his sides so they weren’t just awkwardly reaching out to Julian.
“You don’t have to be sorry. I’m not mad. I just…” he started, but his voice was already sheepish. “I don’t want you thinking I’m worse off than I am. Or that you have to walk on eggshells around me.” The last thing he wanted to do was push Julian away.
“Do you, uh… want to tell me what you did hear?” he asked after another pause, hoping to make the conversation easy. “Just so I know what to explain? I promise I won’t make it weird. And thanks for making the bed. And for the medicine. And ice pack. And pajamas and towels. You’re kinda spoiling me.”
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Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2025 8:18 am
“No, it’s not spoiling you,” Julian insisted. “You were hurt. I just wanted to help.”
He hesitated, just for a fraction of a second, like he needed to recalibrate before shifting topics. “I’m not worried about you making it weird–I know it’s not like that. But I don’t want you to feel like you have to explain anything to me. Or, I mean, you don’t owe me anything.”
But Julian owed him. He heard things that weren’t meant for him, so whether or not he wanted to tell Riker what he’d heard, he was obligated to.
He stood awkwardly, hands still wringing together, but he’d mustered up enough spine to at least hold Riker’s gaze–even if his head tipped slightly, like he was resisting the urge to fold in on himself. Riker wasn’t dangerous, he knew that. It was just the weight of shame and apology. Of course Riker wouldn’t be mad, it was an accident. Julian knew that too.
He still felt bad. It wasn't a betrayal of trust but it was still a violation of privacy, even if Riker was being a good sport about all of it.
If Riker’s hands hadn't been bandaged–oh, they looked like they were going to be such a pain for him to manage–Julian would have gone into his arms. Instead, Julian stepped aside and patted the edge of the bed as if to invite Riker to sit. He hovered uncertainly to the side of the bed while he waited for Riker, unwilling to be seated before him.
He didn’t know if Riker meant what he said about it being a good thing Julian had overheard bits and pieces, or if he was just trying to convince Julian–or himself–but it wouldn’t have mattered either way. Julian drew in a breath but his shoulders still slumped.
“But, I heard, um. You were talking about your, you know. Your mother. It was the part–well, and then I heard my name, maybe that’s why…” he faltered, and shrugged once more. It wasn’t an excuse. It didn’t even feel like an explanation. He didn’t need to waste Riker’s time with non-answers and speculation. “Sorry,” he said instinctively, and put himself back on track.
“You were talking about your mother. About how she–well, how she didn’t treat you very nicely. Her, or your brother. I heard–I don’t know if I heard all of it–but I heard a lot. I’m sorry.”
He’d known about Riker’s mother, about his brother. It still felt wrong to have overheard.
“You told Evan he was a good mom. That he was your family. Um–and the rest of us. And me. You said, um.” His face was warm and his eyes fell to the ground once more. “You said a lot of nice things about me.” Probably nicer than he deserved considering the circumstances. “Um. About wanting to look out for me. But I think you were too hard on yourself, too. If that’s okay to say. I really don’t think you were ever mean to me. I can’t even remember what you’re talking about.”
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Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2025 8:19 am
Riker shuffled his feet a little when Julian gestured for him to sit, but he slowly moved over and lowered himself carefully onto the edge of the bed. His chest felt tight under the bandages, but was cooled by the slowly melting ice pack. It was a lot easier to deal with than the way his ears burned as Julian spoke.
He listened quietly, making sure not to interrupt. When Julian finished, he let out a small breath that almost sounded like a laugh.
“Yeah,” he said softly. “That sounds about right. You probably heard most of it, then.”
He leaned forward, letting his elbows rest on his knees, his voice quieter now.
“My mom… she was never really, uh… good. Not to me. My brother was perfect. And I was just kind of… there. The reminder of something she didn’t want to remember,” he explained, reaching up with the heel of his hand to rub against his temple, but was careful not to touch the bandages. “I kept thinking if I tried hard enough, she’d want me. That if I just… did everything right, she’d stop looking at me like I was a mistake. But she never did. She made sure I knew I wasn’t supposed to exist. And I believed her, because… well, she was all I had. I didn’t know it could be different.”
He paused, letting the years of memories and pain and anguish filter through his thoughts. Maybe his delusion that she would one day love him was what saved his life -- too stubborn to give up hope.
“And then there was Evan,” he said quietly. “He didn’t know me, but he still helped. Still cared. There were no strings attached. Maybe it was pity at first. Maybe a way to make peace with himself by giving a chance to some dumb kid. But… he never gave up on me. It made me realize how wrong I’d been about a lot of things. About love. About what it’s supposed to feel like.”
He glanced back over at Julian, his smile small but sincere, even as his ears burned.
“I guess that’s where you came into it. I said I love you, right? That you’re my best friend?” His voice cracked slightly on the words, more from nerves than emotion. “I meant it. I just… wasn’t sure how to say it before. And I didn’t even know if I understand what love really is. But if it feels anything like what I have with you -- this feeling of being safe and wanted -- then I think that’s probably it.”
He hesitated again, and then let out a breath. “So yeah… You didn’t hear anything bad. And I don’t want you to be sorry for hearing it, either. I wanted you to know eventually. Just… well, maybe without me bleeding all over the floor while Evan mopped me up. You didn’t do anything wrong,” he insisted, his smile tired but earnest. “And I’m really glad you heard the good parts.”
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Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2025 8:19 am
While Riker spoke, Julian gently lowered himself onto the bed next to him. The mattress hardly even dipped from his weight and he kept his hands clasped, resting in his lap. His ankles crossed while he sat, and he tilted his head slightly as if it might help him hear Riker better.
Riker was so honest. He spoke with such tender truth. Julian wondered how many times he’d rolled these ideas around in his head before they solidified into real thoughts–into words powerful enough that they could be spoken aloud.
Julian had a tendency to fall quiet and stay quiet, and sometimes he could even zone out. He didn’t want Riker to think he wasn’t listening so he nodded along occasionally.
Sometimes, it felt like Riker had already mastered concepts well beyond his capacity for understanding, but Julian nodded along anyway. He didn’t always know what to say, but he listened. He tried.
It took a great effort for Julian to untangle his fingers, and as soon as his hands had been separated, one moved to clutch his knee firmly while the other moved to rest, palm-flat, on the bed. It took several seconds longer for him to inch his fingers close to Riker, and finally, to rest lightly atop his hand.
Julian was mindful not to touch any part of his hand wrapped in bandages.
“Thank you,” he said first, small but steady.
He had to bite his tongue before another apology slipped out. It felt worse to have overheard such personal things when Riker was so kind about them, but he felt a small weight lift from his chest.
Anxious pressure had been building since he’d first realized he’d stumbled into a private conversation, and it had worsened not just from what he’d heard but because he knew Riker was hurt. And in good hands, of course. But it was easy to worry about someone you cared about–that’s what you were supposed to do. And, when they were hurting, you were supposed to take care of him.
Julian wanted to take care of Riker.
“I really appreciate you sharing all of that with me.”
He felt like there was cotton in his mouth but he wasn’t sure why. The heat in his chest sank to his stomach, into a familiar, twisting pressure. He was still wincing, not for his own sake but because he was undoubtedly imagining Riker bleeding all over the floor.
“I feel safe, and wanted, when I’m with you, too. So I get it–I think.” Though there was a bit of uncertainty in his voice, it wasn’t because he doubted the words, only how he said them. He wanted to apologize again but bit his tongue. Riker didn’t want him to be sorry, so he was trying not to be.
“I want to help however I can. I’d do anything for you,” he said, spoken in pure honesty. There was nothing performative in the delivery–rather, he seemed almost shy to admit it. He wasn’t trying to make it a spectacle, he just meant it.
“I want you to feel safe and wanted. Um, you deserve those things. And to be around people who love you. And I’m really glad I get to be in your life. And I’m really glad that you’re here. I think–there are a lot of good people here. And, I think you deserve to be surrounded by people who care about you.”
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Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2025 8:19 am
Riker didn’t say anything right away. Instead, he just watched Julian and the way his fingers inched closer before resting against his hand. There was something so deliberate about it. Gentle and considerate, even in the uncertainty Riker had come to see as a very common state of existence for Julian.
The ache in his chest wasn’t from the puncture wounds this time, but instead it was something quieter and heavier. It settled right over his heart, like the weight was meant to be there and keep him grounded.
He turned his hand over carefully so their fingers could fit together, thumb brushing against Julian’s knuckles, although he was careful not to agitate his own wounds. His throat felt tight, but he somehow managed to keep his voice low and even.
“Hey,” he said softly, almost under his breath. “You’re already helping. Just by being here.”
He hesitated, then eased closer on the mattress so that their shoulders brushed. It made it easier to switch which hand Julian was holding. Easier, too, to slip an arm around him and pull him into a light, comfortable hug.
Julian smelled faintly like soap and clean cotton. It was familiar and comforting. Riker pressed a small kiss to the top of his head, lingering a moment longer than he meant to, before resting his chin there.
“You deserve that, too,” he mumbled, voice soft but certain. “To have people who care about you. Who love you. You don’t have to do anything to earn that, okay? You don’t have to try so hard. Just being you is enough.”
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Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2025 8:19 am
When Riker moved, Julian did too. It was easy, effortless. Predictable, really. He wasn’t surprised by any of it.
Their shoulders brushed first, so Julian leaned in. He let Riker guide his hand, and he shifted his weight subtly to help close the gap between them to keep Riker from straining. He wanted to rest his other hand over Riker’s arm once it settled around him, but he couldn’t seem to uncurl his fingers from his knee.
He didn’t say anything about the kiss, but the warmth of it stayed.
“I know,” he answered too quickly. Then, quieter, more honest: “I know.” He laughed once. “I might have heard that a few times.”
And yet, he was still tense as he rested against Riker. Maybe because he was still drowning under the guilt of hearing something not quite meant for him. He resented the fact that he hadn’t been able to get his body to move when he told it to. It hadn’t been very cooperative lately.
“There are a lot of good people here,” he repeated, because that part was indisputably true.
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Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2025 8:19 am
“Yeah,” Riker agreed softly, his chin still resting against Julian’s hair. “There really are.”
His voice stayed soft, but his arm tightened a little where it rested around Julian’s shoulders. There was no pressure to talk. Just quiet presence and warmth.
“But that doesn’t make what you do any less important,” he added after a moment, quieter now. “You’re one of those good people. One of the best ones, I think.”
He didn’t sound like he was trying to convince Julian of anything. If anything, he sounded like he was reminding himself not to push too hard. Still, the truth of it was there. Steady. Unwavering.
Riker shifted just enough to glance down at him, catching the way Julian’s expression didn’t quite match the words he’d said. The corners of his mouth softened into something close to a smile.
“I know you’ve heard it before,” he said gently. “But hearing it and believing it aren’t the same thing.” He would know. How many times had Evan repeated himself? How many times would Riker have to be told he was wanted before it finally solidified as truth not just in his heart but in his head as well?
“It’s okay if it takes time. I’ll remind you as many times as you need. You make it really easy to care about you, you know that?”
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Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2025 8:20 am
“Um,” Julian said, as his fingers curled a little tighter on his knee. It wouldn’t have been uncommon for him to offer a quick, somewhat anxious, reassurance. The idea felt very fake right now. Dishonest, even.
Julian could handle limited compliments before something in his mind short circuited. He didn’t break into awkward laughter or nervous silence, but there was a notable pause as he sifted through his thoughts.
They were impossible to sort, so he offered what pieces he could wrangle into a halfway decent answer. “Well, I don’t think I do that much,” he insisted gently. “I try to be a good person. I don’t think I’m the best. But I try my best,” which he thought must count for something.
“Are you sure it’s easy to care about me? I think it must be a bit of work. Or–no,” he interrupted himself quickly. He almost sat up to look at Riker but his body rebelled, again. Instead, he pushed closer into the hug, almost as if to hide in it.
“Are you trying to distract me so I don’t worry about you?” It was working.
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Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2025 8:20 am
Riker huffed out a quiet laugh, but there was nothing mocking about it. It was soft and affectionate, the kind that felt more like warmth than disruption.
“Yeah, I’m sure,” he said quietly. “And if it ever feels like work, then it’s the kind I’d never want to stop doing,” he promised, his thumb brushing slow, absent shapes against Julian’s shoulder.
“You say you just ‘try’, but that’s what makes it easy. You care. Even when you’re scared or tired or think you shouldn’t. You think about other people even when you don’t have to. That’s a rare trait, Jules. Not everyone can do that. That kind of heart…”
He paused, and let the sentence fade before finishing. He didn’t think the words needed to be spoken to be understood.
“That’s what makes people love you.”
He tilted his head slightly, enough to rest his cheek against Julian’s hair. The question about distraction made him smile again.
“I’m not trying to distract you,” he breathed. “I promise. I’m okay. Sore, yeah. Tired.” He kept his tone even and calm, not wanting Julian to have any reason not to believe him. “I’ve been patching myself up long enough to know when I need help. And I promise I’d tell you. Or Evan. I’m trying to be better about that.”
His arm tightened, slow and deliberate, gently drawing Julian just a little closer as if to protect him from the entire universe.
“I don’t want you to stop worrying,” he admitted after a moment. “I just don’t want you to think you have to carry all of it alone. You already do so much, just by being here. You make it really easy to want to be okay for you.”
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Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2025 8:20 am
Something in Julian remained tense, not because he felt unsafe or uncomfortable in Riker’s arms, but because it was woven into his bones. If it had been a choice, he’d have melted against Riker a long time ago.
“Well…”
He held his breath for a moment as he chewed on the inside of his cheek. After a pause, he exhaled–silent, but heavy.
“I’m glad you’re okay,” he said, like it was the first bullet in a list of things he’d collected in his mind. Following that, he said, “And that you’d tell me or Evan if you needed help. I really appreciate that. I promise, I don’t worry about you all the time. But I do think about you a lot. And I want you to be okay all the time. So I don’t know if that counts as worrying? I just care a lot. But, um. If that counts as worrying, then I don’t know if I could stop.” He didn’t even think he could try.
He tasted copper in his mouth but he couldn’t stop chewing on his cheek. He was skirting around half of what had been said and Riker had long since become wise to Julian’s usual antics. Julian doubted he could shift the conversation convincingly in any other direction. So, he didn’t bother trying. “It’s very easy to care about you. Um, I mean, I do care about everyone. I think. Someone ought to. But I care about you a lot, it’s different. And, well, lots of people care, too. I don’t know if it’s that rare.”
That part wasn’t so special. Maybe it just felt that way to Riker because he was so used to his mother’s cruelty.
A heaviness had settled in Julian, and it lingered in his stomach, his chest, his mind. He wanted to shift position to see if he could alleviate the pressure, but he knew it wouldn’t help. It never did. He’d rather stay in Riker’s arms because at least it was safe there.
He found a spot on the floor to stare at it, like he could draw strength from it if he was just still enough.
“I think my heart is pretty normal. Or, it tries to be. But, um. I don’t know. I think I have a weird question. I don’t know if I should ask. You might think I’m silly.”
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Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2025 8:20 am
A faint smile pulled at Riker’s lips. It was small, but it softened his expression.
“You don’t sound silly,” he said immediately, before Julian had a chance to start doubting himself. He kept his voice low and steady, like he was afraid to disturb this fragile peace of the moment. “And even if it’s weird, I promise I won’t think less of you for asking.”
He shifted his weight slightly, just so he could see Julian better, but not so much that he would break the contact between them. He kept his arm where it was around Julian’s shoulders, warm and protective but not heavy.
“And for the record,” he added, almost absently. “I think your heart’s one of the best ones I’ve ever met. You can call that normal if you want, but it still makes you one of the kindest people I know.”
The words were gentle, but they carried with them a quiet conviction that made it hard to argue with.
“You care the way I wish more people did,” he said softly, brushing his thumb lightly over Julian’s shoulder again, steady and grounding, although he didn’t know if it was for Julian or for himself. Maybe both. “I don’t think it’s rare to care. I think it’s rare to keep doing it when it hurts.”
And Julian, he’d noticed, did that a lot. He carried a weight with him, letting himself be crushed beneath it, all the while making sure everyone else’s comfort came before his own. As if he wasn’t worth the kindness he showed others.
He let out a breath, one that almost sounded like a sigh of quiet contentment. He was happy around Julian. And he would protect him, just as he told Evan he would.
“So… what’s your weird question?” he asked finally, his tone still gentle and easy. “You can ask me anything. I’m not going anywhere.”
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Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2025 8:21 am
Riker sounded so certain in his words. Julian wasn’t much for arguing, much more so when someone sounded so resolute. And what was he even going to say, ‘You’re wrong for saying nice things about me?’
Julian didn’t think as highly of himself as Riker seemed to but he knew better than to say something like that out loud. Especially because a part of him wondered if Riker was just trying to distract him.
The gentle shapes on his shoulder were distracting. Not unpleasant, though. It felt like being lulled towards something safe. Riker’s shapes began to become predictable, and Julian found himself anticipating the shape that he’d draw next. He liked when he guessed right.
Despite the tension that lingered in his bones, rigid and brittle, he began to relax. Not much, but they were too close for Riker not to feel the slow ease of Julian’s muscles.
“Well–thank you, by the way. For what you said.” He didn’t want Riker to think he was ungrateful for that kindness, even if he felt undeserving of it. One day, Riker was going to wake up and realize Julian was just an imposter. Not today, maybe. Not tomorrow, probably. But one day.
Julian didn’t want to think about what would happen.
He shifted slightly, just barely, and rested his temple against Riker’s shoulder. He didn’t know exactly where he was hurt, aside from his hands, so he was careful with where he put his body, and how much weight he let himself shift to Riker. Briefly, it occurred to him that he should probably be the one holding Riker–he was the one who got hurt, after all.
He would. If Riker wanted it. He’d ask in a minute. For now, he needed to hide–just for a minute longer.
“A minute ago, you said you didn’t even know if you understood what love really is. I was wondering, um.” His voice softened until it tapered into silence. He looked at the floor like it could finish the thought for him. When it didn’t, he had to clear his throat and forced the words out.
“I was wondering what you figured out. I mean, when you say love–what does it mean to you?”
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Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2025 8:21 am
Riker hesitated. It wasn’t the kind of question he could answer right away. Not because he didn’t want to! He just… didn’t know how to start.
“I don’t really know if I have it figured out,” he admitted finally, voice low but steady. He kept his gaze forward, like he was thinking through the words as they came. “I used to think love was supposed to be this big thing. The kind that fixes everything. Makes people better, or makes the world make sense.”
He shook his head slightly. “But that’s not really true, is it? I think love just tries its best, even when it can’t fix anything.”
There was a pause, a breath, then he continued.
“I think love is when you, like… stop keeping score. When you’re still there, even after it stops being easy. When someone makes you want to be gentle. Or when you see them at their worst and you still can’t bring yourself to look away. When you put someone’s needs above your own -- not because it’s the right thing to do, but because there’s joy in it. Because it feels like breathing. Like it’s a necessary thing for survival.”
His thumb stilled on Julian’s shoulder, but his hand stayed, warm and grounding.
“Evan says he loves me,” he said quietly. “And I believe him. Because when I mess up, he doesn’t make me feel small for it. He’s not waiting for me to be someone else. He just… wants me there.”
He swallowed, his tone softening further. “I don’t know if that’s the right answer, but it feels real. And when I’m with him, it feels safe. Like I don’t have to keep proving I deserve to exist. Or… he reminds me that I belong, no matter how many times I think he’ll change his mind. No matter how many times I do or say things that try to get him to change his mind.”
He turned his head slightly, just enough to glance at Julian. He wasn’t searching for anything, he just wanted him to see the sincerity in his expression.
“So maybe that’s what love is to me,” he said after a moment. “It’s when you stop being afraid that someone’s going to see too much of you… and they stay anyway.”
His arm tightened slightly, just enough to let Julian know he meant it. “What about you?”
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