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 Posted: Thu Apr 28, 2005 12:20 pm
I felt that these should have their own area, since the parodies was one of the most fun things the original DW Guild did. Rules: 1) Please only post Parodies - No comentaries, no history lessons, no arguements, just parodies. 2) Comentaries can be posted at the following board: http://www.gaiaonline.com/guilds/viewtopic.php?pt=1114716186&p=16930368#169303683)Parodies can involve anything about the Three Kingdoms era including the ROTK and DW games.
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Posted: Thu Apr 28, 2005 12:21 pm
Geren Wilss The Rebellion sounds like an excellent battle to begin our role playing... Furthermore, I believe we could further the plot by beginning with the Peach Garden Oath, then going into subsequent battles against the Yellow Scarves... but that's just my opinion, the only one I have. Ragnatz So Guan Yu and Zhang Fei will swear an oath to each other? heh.... that seems rather odd without Liu Bei, no? GY: Though we were not born on the same year, month, or even days, we shall be brothers. ZF: Well who follows who? GY: Well obviously you follow me... I'm smarter and much more level-headed.... ZF: But I want to lead! GY: NO! ZF: I'll kill you! GY: Wouldn't that be a bit counter productive after this whole oath thing? ZF: I don't care! GY: Fine... I shall answer with my blade! Geren Wilss Is that not what Non-Player Character's are for? LB: Silence, both of you. Honestly, I take a five minute break and you're already at each other's throats! ZF: He started it! GY: I must protest! LB: Enough, let's just get on with the ceremony. Who wants to kill the ox? ZF: Me! Me! Pick me, big brother! LB: I'm never going to get used to that... GY: You are the oldest, Lord Liu Bei. LB: That's beside the point. ZF: Why'd I have to be the youngest? Damn writers... GY: It's a historic fact, not a ficticious additive to Luo Guanzhong's novel. ZF: Shut the %#$& up, Guan Yu. Ragnatz Well.... it could be worst...... Announcer: And now... the greatest action movie of all time! Romance of the Three Kingdoms! Staring Arnold Schwartzenagger as Lu Bu! AS: *walks over to Dong Zhuo* Come with me if you want to live! Announcer: Stephen Hawking as Zhuge Liang! SH: I....will.....call.....forth.....a.....southern.......wind......though.....it.....really......isnt....me.......I....am.....just.....a.......math......genious....... Announcer: Hugh Grant as Zhou Yu! HG: I'm pretty because I'm from Wu....... (and British) Announcer: John Candy as Xu Zhu! JC: Time to eat! Announcer: Rebecca Romijn-Stamos as Diao Chan RRS: Struttin' it... Struttin' it... AS: *looks at Diao Chan then turns at Dong Zhuo* Prepare to be Terminated! Announcer: John Goodman as Meng Huo! JG: You didn't beat me! You cheated! SH: Eat........me........ Announcer: And Jesus as Zhang Jiao! J: Follow me, my children of the Way of Peace! Announcer: The Three Kingdoms as you've never seen them before - WESTERNIZED! Coming to a theater near you! Geren Wilss (Commercial two, one week later) Announcer: From acclaimed and long dead author, Luo Guanzhong, comes a story of intruige... *Camera pans to a village on fire, with a lone general wielding a spear carrying someone on his shoulder, running quickly as the landscape behind him is enveloped by an explosion.* Announcer: Desire... *Rebecca Romihn-Stamos and Arnold Schwartzenagger on screen, about to embrace in a passionate kiss.* Announcer: And action. With Brad Pitt as the self-loving general Zhang He. BP: I had to grow my hair for a month and dye it black to fit this part, but I finally got it! Damn budget cuts couldn't afford wigs. Line? Oh, damn, I screwed it up bigtime! Announcer: Jackie Chan as Jiang Wei of Shu! JC: (Says nothing, but performs a series of Shaolin-taught Kung Fu stunts) Announcer: "Stone Cold" Steve Austin as Dian Wei! SCSA: Awraiiiiight Xu Huang, let's kick some Wu a**! Announcer: Ozzy Osbourne as Deng Ai of Wei! OO: Izza... wuzat a... this is ****ing bull****. ****ing Shu always ****ing up our ****ing plans, ***holes. Announcer: And Orlando Bloom as Zhao Yun. OB: We must defeat the Conquerer of the North! And stay tuned for clips from my upcoming movie, the... Announcer: Coming this fall, The Romance of Three Kingdoms, based loosely on a book composed over 18 centuries ago! (Flash title on screen with the Luminous Blade jammed through the letters.) Geren Wilss (Third Commercial, one week later) Announcer: Charlie Sheen as Ma Chao. CS: My father always said that my name means Super Horse, so I learned to ride a horse at a young age. What do you think, hot young female co-star who is obligatory for these kinds of movies? HYFCS: I think you just need to be yourself, Ma Chao. Announcer: Russel Crowe as Zhou Tai. RC: I am Russel Crowe... undisciplined! (Makin' movies, makin' songs, and foi'in' round the world!) Announcer: Sean Connery as Huang Zhong. SC: The name's Zhong... Huang Zhong. AS: No, Mistar Huang, I do naht expect you to tahlk, I expect you to die! Announcer: And playing the parts of Liu Bei, Sun Jian, and Cao Cao, the respective leaders of the three kingdoms of Shu, Wu, and Wei... Vinn Diesel: I cannot die before the Han is restored... I love this sh*t! *Vinn runs into the distance just as the castle explodes in a fiery inferno.* Charlton Heston: You'll take China when you pry it from my cold, dead hands you damn dirty geurillas! (Quote courtesy of Ragnatz) Denzel Washington: (Come the f*ck on man, my children in this movie are white!) Come on, Huang Gai! We'll show these Shu bastards what Wu's made of! Mr. T: (Due to copyright laws, Mr. T will not be saying his usual catch-phrase) I feel extreme sympathy for those unwitting, simple-minded people... so drink your sleep, stay in milk, get eight hours of drugs, and don't do school, you could someday be just like me. Announcer: And featuring Jim Carey as Gan Ning. JC: Awwwwwwwlraighty then! So they cast me as a pirate? Perhaps my... a** can do the talking? JC's a**: a**-HOOOOOOOOLE amiiiiia! Announcer: Guest starring Patric Stewart as Fu Xi. PS: I just don't know if I can play the part of an old emperor that was married to his sister... but if I must. I defeated an officer! *Patric holds aloft the head of John Candy.* Announcer: Ben Aflek and Matt Damon as the Sun brothers, Ce and Quan. BA: Yeah, that's right, none of you big bastards carrying swords and spears can get me as long as I have my short wooden tonfas! MD: You'll never get to me as long as I can hide behind thousands upon thousands of my subjegated soldiers! Announcer: Hallie Barry as Nu Wa. HB: Aw no, I'm supposed to be married to Patrick? Announcer: Yes, and Tom Green playing the walk-on role of soldier number 42. TG: Ah! There's an arrow in my eye... might as well hump this dead horse then play with its disembodied head! Announcer: Coming this fall, it's the westernized bastardized ostracized movie to end all movies. With Deep Blue as Sima Yi! Deep Blue: Queen's... Rook... to... G... 6.... Stephen Hawking: Stop... mocking... me... Deep Blue: We'll... settle... this... on... Wu... Zhang... Plains... *The original announcer's head explodes when he imagines Stephen Hawking vs. Deep Blue during the battle of Wu Zhang Plains, and another announcer takes over for him.* Announcer #2: Coming to a theater near you... but not a drive-in. Ragnatz (Commercial 4...... 1 month later after incessant spots of the previous 3 commercials) Announcer 2: In AD 220, war was begining...... Keanu Reaves: *caption of "He Jin" under him* What happen? TG: Somebody set us up the Eunuchs.... KR: It's you! The Jackons (Michael speaks): *captions of "The Eunuchs"* How are you gentlemen, all your China are belong to us. You have no chance to survival. Make your time... *grabs his crotch* Oooh! Announcer 2: The empire, long united, must divide... Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen: *caption of "Da Qiao" under MKO and "Xiao Qiao" under AO* We're still jailbait.... but that's okay, it's just like the game! HG: *caption of "Zhou Yu" under him* What say we not tell Sun Ce you're under 18 and doom him for life.... as short as that my be... *winks* MKO and AO: *giggles* Announcer 2: Where tyranny and corruption reign supreme... Alyson Hannigan: *caption of "Zhen Ji" under her* One time at band camp, I..... *whispers in Cao Pi's ear, who feints* Announcer 2: Where betrayal can happen at a moment's notice Mel Gibson: *caption of Taishi Ci* under him* You can take our lives, but you'll never take our freedom! ... ... ... Ah.... what the hell.... I'll join your side..... Announcer 2: And where grusome graphic scenes are behind every corner Vinny Jones: *caption of "Xiahou Dun" under him* The essence of my parents cannot be thrown away *swallows his eye* There are two kinds of balls in this world. There are the big brave balls and then there are the little mincey f*****t balls. Which type do YOU have, Zhang Liao? Announcer 2: It's mind boggling... SH: Guan...Yu...you...hide...in...those...hills...until...you...see...fire...then...attack... Zhang...Fei...you...hide...in..the...forest...until...you...see...fire...then...attack... Zhao...Yun...you...attack...and...then...set...everything...on...fire... Ma...Chao...you...hide...down...the...road...and...amush...the...retreating...forces... and...you...*looks at Tom Green* walk...act...as...a...decoy...and...probably...die... Everyone...understand? Geren Wilss The Battle of Xia Pi: Legends of the One-Eyed Xiahou Dun Xiahou Dun: Ah! My eye! *pulls out the arrow, along with his eye.* Dian Wei: Ouch! That has got to hurt. Xiahou Dun: It is my flesh and blood, I cannot leave this world without it. *swallows the eye.* Dian Wei: EEEEEECH! That is the sickest thing I have ever seen, man. You are disgusting, you auto-cannibalistic weirdo! Xu Zhu: I donno... I could eat my own eye if I were hungry enough. Dian Wei: You'd eat your own heart if you were hungry enough. Xiahou Dun: I don't see what the big deal is. It's just an eyeball. Dian Wei: It's full of jelly! Cao Cao: What's this I hear about an eye? Dian Wei: Xiahou Dun ate his when the archers got him! Cao Cao: Wow... that's just... wow! I... um... don't know... wow... that's... disgusting. Dian Wei: That's what I said. Lu Bu: Knock knock. Xiahou Dun: Your soldiers took my eye, now I shall have your head! Ragnatz The Battle of Xia Pi: Legends of the One-Eyed Xiahou Dun Part 2 Dian Wei: Actually, didn't you take your eye? Xiahou Dun: Details..... Zhang Liao: Hey, man, you okay? I didn't think that would hit you in the eye like that... Xiahou Dun: I'm fine.... Dian Wei: He pulled it out and ate it.... Zhang Liao: The arrow? Cao Cao: His eye..... Zhang Liao: Seriously? *Xiahou Dun points at the empty socket* Zhang Liao: s**t, you're crazy... not even Lu Bu would do that.... hell, he's been crying in his sleep ever since he killed that fat a**, Dong Zhuo... Cao Cao: He's been crying? *snickers* Zhang Liao: Yeah.... hey, I got an idea... if I capture him for you, can I join you guys.... with a crazy MOFO like Xiahou Dun, I know you guys are the people to join.... Xiahou Dun: What did you say about my mother? Cao Cao: Sure, we'd be happy to have you aboard..... Xiahou Dun: What did he say about my mother? Xu Zhu: Can you also capture some food for me? I'm starving.... Dian Wei: You're always hungry.... and *pokes Xu Zhu's gut* I doubt you're ever gonna starve....... Xiahou Dun: WHAT DID HE SAY ABOUT MY MOTHER!!!!!
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Posted: Thu Apr 28, 2005 6:16 pm
The True Nature of Wu.
Sun Quan: Look a bridge.
Lu Xun and Zhou Yu: BURN IT DOWN!
Later at the docks
Sun Quan: Ah my personal boat.
Lu Xun: SET FIRE TO THE BOAT!
a week later the capital of Wu is on fire
Sun Quan: ......why did you set our own capital on fire?*holding his head and groaning*
Lu Xun: ....Because it could be burned?
Zhou Yu: ....Its our policy my lord, if its flamable burn it down.
Sun Quan: ....no wonder my brother, and father were so wreckless they had clowns like you as strategists!
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Posted: Sat May 07, 2005 2:14 pm
Yue Ying: You mean you married me for my brains?
ZHuge Liang: Hells yeah! You're about as appealing as an Ox! Er I mean of course I did appearance is only temporary.
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Posted: Fri May 13, 2005 12:00 pm
Xu Zhu: Why you shave head and wear vest?
Dian Wei: Because it makes me feel manly!
Xu Zhu: Why you grow goatee and speak like Texan?
Dian Wei: Because the Dian Wei said so! Dian Wei 3:16!
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Posted: Fri May 13, 2005 12:03 pm
How Meng Huo got married to Zhu Rong
Meng Huo: HA HAHAHAHAHA! Life is good! Im the king baby!
Zhu Rong: You will make me your queen!
Meng Huo: Why would I do that?!
Zhu Rong: .... stare Im the daughter of the fire god!
Meng Huo: Roiiiiiiiiiight.
Zhu Rong: ARE YOU QUESTIONING ME?!
Meng Huo: N-No!
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Posted: Sun May 15, 2005 9:24 pm
GP: Stay behind me, Xing Cai!
XC: But Guan Ping, you wanted to be behind me last night in bed...
ZF: WHAT!?
GP:uh...uncle...please don't kill me...
ZF: You're a sick little freak! sleeping with your cousin!
GY: Whats going on, Zhang Fei?
ZF: You're son slept with my Daughter last night!
GY: and...?
ZF: It's wrong! they are cousins!
GY: not by blood...
ZF: still...they're still Cousins
LB: Whats all this talk about Cousins?
GY: Guan Ping And Xing Cai are in love, i guess
LB: How wonderful!
ZF: It's not! they're cousins
LB: we went through this a month ago Zhang Fei, we're not related by blood, so therefore, none of our children are related by blood
ZF: am i the only one who sees something wrong here?
LB: here, have some wine and forget about your troubles
ZF: Wine! Yum!
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Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 2:46 pm
Jiang Wei: Ah! Now diss is ah speah! *thrusts his trident into the air, just as Ma Chao rides up.* Whassap?
Ma Chao: *holds out his spear.* Mine's bigger... but don't worry, I'm sure your tiny Chinee chub can hold its own against swordsman or something like that...
Zhao Yun: Ahem... *holding up his spear.* Kids... get to the front lines...
Announcer: Zhao Yun's livin' large and laughin' easy... for natural weapon enhancement, use En Cai, the only herbal suppliment approved to treat 'short-spear' syndrome...
Zhao Yun: *points to Mao Chao.* And his sister just loves the spear...
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Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 2:53 pm
Huang Gai: I am Huang Gai!
Tai Ni Dong: I am Tai Ni Dong!
Won Long Dong: I am Won Long Dong!
Won Hung Low: I am his brother Won Hung Low!
All Together: And togehter our names make people laugh!
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Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 3:05 pm
Zhang Jiao: *in a Jamaican accent.* Y'know, child, you oughtta just drop dat mon, he's only afta ya for ya money, dear! The queen of pentacles tells me you oughtta try some girl-on-girl action before you deal with another fella!
Caller: WHAT? are... are you sure, Mr. Qu Li You?
Zhang Jiao: It's in de cards, child!
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Posted: Mon Jun 20, 2005 10:23 pm
Guan Ping, Guan Xing, and Guan Suo are in the dining room of their fathers house...
Guan Ping: I am Father's favorite because i am his first child
Guan Xing: Ha! i'm his favorite because i am his first NATURAL child, you adopted fool
Guan Suo: I'm his favorite because i look the best!
Guan Ping & Xing: You're Uglier than Pang Tong on his worst days!
Guan Suo: I'll Kill you! -jumps over the table and starts beating the living crap out of Guan Ping, While Xing trys to pull him off, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei are standing at the door way, watching the fight-
Zhang Fei: so, when are you going to tell them your favorite is your daughter?
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Posted: Mon Sep 19, 2005 8:04 am
Ma Chao: *does his little pole dance move*
Liu Bei: sweatdrop And to THINK he's a tiger general.
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