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I will obey

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stupidskankbitch69

PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2006 2:57 pm


A part of me is lost to you
One that can never be returned
And if I am truly playing with fire
I guess I’ve already been burned

I am always bonded to you
I am your eternal slave
I did for you everything I could
I continuously gave and gave

But I guess none of that was enough
Although I always obeyed
Even though I only did what I did
Because I was afraid

Afraid that you would leave me
And I’d be left behind
With no love left for me at all
Never a trace to find

Of course my fear was what was wrong
That was my only flaw
I obeyed every one of your words
But I did not follow your law

Maybe if I’d given you true love
And not obeyed you out of fear
You’d still be in love with me
And you would still be near
PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2006 1:08 pm


Aww, it's sad sad The speaker POV is pretty cool; self-reflection, regret, sadness, and still love. The rhyming sequence is a little off in some places, though, but that comes with practice (and also why my poems don'r usually rhyme ^^), and it's not aweful; trust me, I've seen awful. So my suggestion is, just watch out for the number of syllables per line and keep pace with the rest of the poem. But all in all, good job ^^

Sachi_x
Captain


Quatres-demon

PostPosted: Wed Dec 13, 2006 7:30 pm


<3
I like that poem, it's rather sad and depressing, which I like.
The rhyming was kinda weird in a few places, but it was awesome still. =D
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Poetry/Song lyrics

 
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