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MissOptimistical Vice Captain
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 Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 6:06 pm
GM Dave's genius will be posted on here.
All of these stories were created entirely by GMDave.
http://bannable-offenses.blogspot.com/
These stories are based on Final Fantasy 11 Online
GM= Game Master whom watches over the online life in the game and "takes care" of the gamers that play.
Servers = Servers that have players on them and are copies of the world of Vana'diel [the name of the world inside the game]
Servers that I know of= Shiva, Carbuncle, Ifrit(My server <3), Fenrir, Diablos, Hades, Unicorn, Garuda, and more that I never took the time to remember.
GM Call= A service that is used by players if they need to report some break in the rules or anything of that sort and need to speak to a GM.
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Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 6:28 pm
I Am SO Scared
Alternate Title: "I'm shaking in my foot gear."
Why do people feel the need to challenge me?
Why?
It is so overwhelmingly stupid to constantly see morons trying to call me out. As if their pathetic, pedantic little challenges would worry me.
The only thing these childish ramblings do is prove how retarded you really are.
Why would a GM take time out to warp to your server at your request?
I wouldn't do that. I prefer random acts of cruelty.
It takes all the fun out of it if they know you're coming.
I prefer to deal with natural stupidity. You know, that n00bish behavior that makes Vana'diel harder to live in.
You idiots trying to impress everyone with your "manliness" is just plain sad.
And the best part is that everyone knows it. Everyone who reads your comments laughs at the little fools trying to act tough.
You can't hang with me.
Imagine a four year old ran up and challenged you to a fight. Would you even bother?
Of course not. And that's why I don't bother with your pathetic, little challenges. You are so far beneath me that they are laughable, at best.
Today, though, I decided to see what one of these little punks could do.
I figured it would be good for a laugh.
Luckily, I didn't have to wait long for one of them to show up.
GM Call Description: We want to challenge [GM]Dave to a fight.
I mean how stupid could you be?
Why not GM Call Description: We want to challenge Evander Holyfield to a boxing match?
You're outclassed. Don't you realize that?
So, I warp over to their server. I don't want to embarass them (more than I did), so I won't tell you what server it was.
I will tell you that it begins with an 'S'.
And rhymes with Shiva.
[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Apparently, you are considering suicide.
Player>> No way, loser.
Player>> We want to fight your fake GM a**.
[GM]Dave>> I'm not sure if my a** is targetable.
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Also, my a** doesn't have a ballista license.
[GM]Dave>> It did finish the mentor quest, though.
Player>> We know you can't ban us.
Player>> And now, we're gonna kick your a**.
[GM]Dave>> I don't have a mirror...
[GM]Dave>> But I doubt my a** looks very worried.
Player>> Then you'll fight me?
[GM]Dave>> What do you mean "me"?
[GM]Dave>> I thought you had a whole group.
Player>> You want to fight all of us?!
[GM]Dave>> It wouldn't be worth the effort just to fight you.
Player>> You son of a b***h!
[GM]Dave>> Oh.
[GM]Dave>> You know my mom, then.
Player>> We're ready when you are, punk.
Now, that's where his already poor logic really started to fail him.
Why would you taunt someone who has already agreed to fight you? That's just not wise.
And taunting me?
Oh... the fun I was gonna have.
[GM]Dave>> Where do you want to fight?
[GM]Dave>> Choose any area you like.
Player>> How about Mordion Gaol?
Okay, now he'd just gone plain retarded.
What was his plan should he, by some miracle, win?
"Hey! We won! WE WO... How the hell do we get out of here?"
[GM]Dave>> Why not? Any other requests?
[GM]Dave>> Want me to just kill you and save us both some time?
Player>> You know we could win.
[GM]Dave>> It's possible.
Player>> HA!
[GM]Dave>> I could die of a heart attack.
Player>> You jerk!
[GM]Dave>> Sticks and stones may break my bones...
[GM]Dave>> But you'll still be retarded.
Player>> Let's go then, b***h.
[GM]Dave>> Can I ask you a question first?
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Is it hard to play with your head up your a**?
So, I warp him and his friends to Mordion Gaol.
A quick perusal of their gear and weapons indicated that these guys meant business. All level 75s with some of the best items in the game.
And then they started to check me.
Player>> HAHAHA!
[GM]Dave>> Yes?
Player>> What's with the delay on your Great Sword?
[GM]Dave>> It is a little high, I suppose.
Player>> High?!
Player>> You'll only get one swing a minute.
[GM]Dave>> Scared yet?
Player>> Hardly.
Player>> You'll be dead before your third swing.
[GM]Dave>> We'll see.
Player>> Everyone will.
Player>> I'm running Fraps.
JACKPOT!
[GM]Dave>> Thank you for telling me that.
Player>> ... What?
[GM]Dave>> Fraps is technically a third party program.
[GM]Dave>> I'm going to have to review your account for banning.
Player>> You can't do that!
[GM]Dave>> Are you sure?
That's when they charged me. All 6 of them came in swinging. It was a hectic flurry of blades and lances.
And zeros.
[GM]Dave>> Did I mention this armor reduces all damage to 0?
Player>> Oh GAWD!
[GM]Dave>> Is it my turn now?
I pulled out my Great Sword and swung at the moron's friend, the Paladin.
Who promptly disappeared.
Player>> Where did he go?
Player>> We could have raised him!
[GM]Dave>> I doubt it.
[GM]Dave>> My sword just deleted his character.
Player>> WHAT?!
[GM]Dave>> I'll get to you soon.
[GM]Dave>> Damn the delay on this sword.
The hectic flurry continued after that, but instead of weapons, it was a flurry of bodies as they tried to get away.
I spent the next 5 minutes chasing down all of his friends and hitting them with the good old banstick.
Can you imagine watching years of game time, years of hard work and level grinding, going up in the quick slash of a Great Sword?
I'm guessing that would suck.
So, I left my "challenger" for last. I use quotation marks because it's not like any adventurer would present a challenge.
Player>> What are you going to do to me?
Player>> Are you going to delete my character?
[GM]Dave>> Nope.
Player>> Really?
[GM]Dave>> That would be too good for you.
[GM]Dave>> Let's go to Jeuno.
*warp*
Player>> What are we doing?
[GM]Dave>> Well, you just opened a bazaar.
Player>> No, I didn't.
[GM]Dave>> I'd check again if I were you.
[GM]Dave>> Great prices, too.
Player>> You b*****d!
[GM]Dave>> I didn't think anyone would sell a Hauberk for 1 gil.
Player>> Ohmygodohmygodohmygod
[GM]Dave>> And a Kirin's Osode.
[GM]Dave>> Hey! A Kraken Club!
Player>> Please don't do it
Player>> pleasepleasepleaseplease
[GM]Dave>> Actually, I'm going to buy that one myself.
[GM]Dave makes a purchase from your bazaar.
Player>> I $%&!^&* HATE YOU!
[GM]Dave>> I assumed you would.
[GM]Dave>> You'll notice that you can't move.
[GM]Dave>> Or logout.
[GM]Dave>> You'll also find you can't even DC.
Player>> $%$@^%&*^%&&*#^#$^%
[GM]Dave>> Such language.
[GM]Dave>> Tsk, tsk, tsk.
It was funny watching him stand there as the vultures started to loot his possessions.
And then reloading his bazaar from his mogsafe.
[GM]Dave>> Whoops!
[GM]Dave>> Dropped your Rajas Ring.
Player>> I'M GOING TO @$#%$*& KILL YOU!
[GM]Dave>> Didn't we already play that game?
[GM]Dave>> As I recall, I won.
After everything he owned had been sold (and he had made almost 100 gil), I finally let him log out.
Now, that's worse than a ban. A ban means you are unable to play.
My way left him able to play, but not without crying.
Much better.
So, before you impotent little morons try to challenge me, ask yourself what the best outcome could be.
1) you win fight, I delete your character
2) I win, I delete your character
3) I don't answer and the mess with your character data.
Do any of those sound appealing?
Seriously. Save yourself some trouble and just run a magnet over your harddrive.
posted by [GM]Dave
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MissOptimistical Vice Captain
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MissOptimistical Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 6:38 pm
[GM]Dave Turns Over A New Leaf
Alternate Title: "And Finds The Same Old Leaf."
It is difficult to always be evil. Not impossible. Just difficult.
But I love a challenge.
Today, however, I woke up in a very good mood. Very good.
So good, as a matter of fact, that I decided to actually do something good today. A random good deed before I begin my normal hectic schedule of dragon feedings.
I did a quick search of a random server and came across a low level player. A nice level 4 Hume just outside of Bastok. A quick account check showed he just started and was not a mule.
Perfect.
[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer. I greet you well.
Silence.
[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer.
Silence.
[GM]Dave>> Are you there?
Silence.
[GM]Dave>> Sigh.
[GM]Dave>> Type /t Dave and then a message to talk to me.
Player>> and then a message to talk to me.
[GM]Dave>> That's good...
[GM]Dave>> Sort of.
Player>> Hi.
[GM]Dave>> It speaks.
[GM]Dave>> Someone call Ripley's.
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Nothing.
[GM]Dave>> I just wanted to welcome you to our world.
Player>> Thx.
Okay, he just said "thx". Usually, this is enough for me to send him to the complaints department.
I mean, seriously, is it that hard to just type "thanks"? It's just three more damned letters.
And what the hell does "thx" mean exactly? He just said "thacks". What the hell is that?
He's new though, so I let that one slide.
[GM]Dave>> Don't mention it.
Player>> kewl
Dear sweet merciful lord. He's not even saving letters anymore.
Now, he's just phonetically butchering our language.
But, I'm going to be nice. Even if it kills him.
I mean me. Even if it kills me.
[GM]Dave>> So...
[GM]Dave>> How are you enjoying the game?
Player>> It's fun, but a little hard.
Player>> I'm saving up for a new sword.
[GM]Dave>> Well, I have some good news.
[GM]Dave>> I'm giving you 5,000 gil to help you get started.
See? I can be nice. I really can.
And it only burns slightly.
Player>> Wow! Thx!
Son of a...
[GM]Dave>> No problem.
[GM]Dave>> This should help you toward that new sword.
I'm actually feeling good about this. I gave him some gil and he's happy. I've done a good deed.
And noone got fed to a dragon.
Player>> Actually...
Player>> Could you make it 8,000 gil?
Player>> The sword is expensive.
And there it is.
I finally break down and do something nice. I don't do nice things.
Occasionally, I will do slightly less evil things. But that's it.
So, I go out of my way to help this guy out and what does he do? He asks for more.
[GM]Dave is not happy. And when [GM]Dave is not happy, bad things happen to people.
[GM]Dave>> No problem. 8,000 it is.
[GM]Dave>> Would you like some armor, as well?
Player>> Sure.
Player>> Thx.
[GM]Dave>> Okay. 8,000 gil and new armor.
[GM]Dave>> Anything else?
Player>> I'm not sure.
[GM]Dave>> Well, I could give you a chocobo pass...
[GM]Dave>> Or some mining gear...
[GM]Dave>> Or a pet dragon...
Wait for it.
Player>> A pet dragon?
Player>> I want a pet dragon.
JACKPOT!
[GM]Dave>> No problem, Adventurer.
*warp*
Player>> Uh...
Player>> Where am I?
[GM]Dave>> We're getting your pet dragon.
*ROAR*
Player>> What the hell was that?
[GM]Dave>> That was your new pet.
[GM]Dave>> I like the name "Fluffy".
Jormungand hits Player for 12,863 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.
[GM]Dave>> You forgot to say "thx".
[GM]Dave>> Can I help you with anything else today?
Moral of the story: Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Or you may end up looking a gift dragon in the digestive system.
Good advice there.
posted by [GM]Dave
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Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 6:48 pm
Back to Business
Okay, that didn't happen.
It didn't.
Let's move on.
So, this morning I was doing my usual server maintenance (read: turning servers on and off at random), when I got a GM call from a player.
A player named Sefferoth.
GM Call Description: I'm too stupid to live. Feed me to a dragon.
Okay, so that's not exactly what it said. But with a name like that, he was practically asking for it.
Suddenly, I was struck by an idea, an epiphany. Suddenly, a marvelous, beautiful, terrible thing laid itself out before my mind.
Oh, this was going to be fun.
I did a quick server search, selected the appropriate players and warped them all to Mordion Gaol.
*warpaga*
And there they stood, a legion of morons with Sephiroth rip off names. A legion of players with a base IQ just above that of a cheese sandwich.
[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurers.
[GM]Dave>> Apparently, you 're all too stupid to come up with your own name.
[GM]Dave>> We're not sure if this is due to naturally low IQ
[GM]Dave>> Or being dropped as a child.
[GM]Dave>> Results are pending.
[GM]Dave>> Does anyone have any questions?
Seppiroth>> Why are we all here?
Jormungand hits Seppiroth for 9,693 points of damage.
Seppiroth was defeated by Jormungand.
[GM]Dave>> Any more questions?
[GM]Dave>> Anybody?
Sefirot>> You can't do this!
Jormungand hits Sefirot for 8,751 points of damage.
Sefirot was defeated by Jormungand.
[GM]Dave>> Anybody else?
Seppheroth>> That wasn't a question.
Jormungand hits Seppheroth for 9,226 points of damage.
Seppheroth was defeated by Jormungand.
[GM]Dave>> Neither was that.
[GM]Dave>> Any more questions?
*silence*
[GM]Dave>> Good.
[GM]Dave>> Alright, you are all about to take part in a new event.
[GM]Dave>> One of you has been given an "S" Egg item.
[GM]Dave>> You have also all been set to PvP.
[GM]Dave>> Whoever has the "S" Egg at the end, gets to keep their name.
[GM]Dave>> Everyone else gets their character deleted.
I wonder how stupid these people really are.
[GM]Dave>> Are there any questions?
Sseferroth>> So all we do is find the egg?
Jormungand hits Sseferroth for 9,148 points of damage.
Sseferroth was defeated by Jormungand.
[GM]Dave>> So... no questions, I assume.
[GM]Dave>> Good. Go.
After that, Mordion Gaol became complete anarchy. N00bs killing n00bs. Abbreviations and misspellings gave way to screams of pain.
I almost cried it was so beautiful.
I really should have given one of those idiots an "S" Egg.
So, I left them to their little event and warped to the next Mordion Gaol room.
[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurers.
[GM]Dave>> Apparently, you 're all too stupid to come up with your own name.
[GM]Dave>> Are there any questions?
Clowd>> Why are we all here?
Damn, I love this job some days.
posted by [GM]Dave
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MissOptimistical Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 6:52 pm
LOL lots of those were funny
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Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 6:56 pm
They really are heart
Especially when you've played the game so long and had to deal with this crap. Some people.
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MissOptimistical Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 7:00 pm
I was going to buy it... but nah.
I just got WoW, didn't wanna pay a fee... so i got nothin.
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Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 7:01 pm
I played it for four years. It was certainly worth it. sweatdrop
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MissOptimistical Vice Captain
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MissOptimistical Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 7:05 pm
FFXI =/= Oxygen
You do not need FFXI to survive.
You don't.
Seriously.
You could even go entire days without playing. You could go outside and see objects with life-like TnL and Pixel Shading. Or you could sleep.
But every damned time we have a maintenance, it's like the end of the freakin' world.
"OHOMGNOEZ!!! TEH SERVRZ IZ DOWN!!! TIZ TEH ENDTIMEZ!!! TEH APOKALIPZ IZ HEER!!!"
It's okay. It's going to be okay. Breathe deep. Do you smell that?
That smell is idiot.
Honestly, you will survive the maintenance. Yeah, yeah, I know. You have plants to check on, or auctions to watch, or you're studying the migration habits of the wild hare.
It will all freakin' wait.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to do server maintenance? Or to add new game data to a pre-existing system? Or to run a real-time global world across multiple servers?
I don't either, but that sounds damned hard.
Maintenance takes time. Maybe more time than we originally planned. It happens.
I know it ruins your whole day. But you have to understand the larger picture.
Your whining ruins MY day.
Think of the big picture, people.
Here's just a few of the GM calls I received during our last maintenance.
GM Call Description: Are the servers up yet?
GM Call Description: How about now?
GM Call Description: Why can't I log in?
GM Call Description: How about now?
GM Call Description: theserversdown theserversdown ohno ohno whatdoido whatdoido noffxiandnoexpmakemesomethingsomething gocrazy don'tmindifido
GM Call Description: How about now?
Seriously, people. It's time to pull the plug. I'll have your nice, shiny bans waiting when you finally log in.
Do you know what we do sometimes? Just to get back at all you whiners?
We extend maintenance for no reason.
Or sometimes we schedule a maintenance for no reason and then do nothing.
Last maintenance took 4 minutes total. The rest of the time, we were having a kegger in Mordion Gaol.
Damn, that was fun.
And we kept sending it each prank GM calls.
GM Call Description: HELP! MAH PANTS IZ ON FIRE!
Sigh. Too bad we had to let you people back on our servers.
Next time, do us all a favor. Just forget the maintenance schedule and go do something else.
And by something else, I do not mean "go play WoW".
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Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 7:10 pm
LOL
That last one... genius.
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MissOptimistical Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 7:15 pm
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Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 7:18 pm
[GM]Dave, The Author
Many of the questions I receive in my e-mail are about writing. It seems many of my readers wonder if I've ever tried other writing styles.
As a matter of fact, I just finished working on a children's book. It's a special story about a boy who learns a valuable lesson.
It's called "Why Billy Had No Friends."
Why Billy Had No Friends
Billy was a little boy
Who played on his computer.
He played only one type of game.
That was first person shooter.
Billy played and Billy died
For that is part of the game,
But Billy died more than most
Cause damn that boy was lame.
Whenever little Billy died,
He made a witty retort.
"STFU, N00b" Billy cried
Cause Billy was a bad sport.
His grammar was atrocious.
His skills were not quite leet.
And when he lost, Billy said
Some words I can't repeat.
Other players tried to calm him down
As Billy lay there dead.
They suggested he not play anymore.
Actually... GTFO, they said.
That's when little Billy's life
Took a drastic turn.
He decided he would rather cheat
And let them bitches burn.
Billy started spawn camping
And next he started botting.
But as his score was slowly rising,
His brain was quickly rotting.
As his brain diminished,
Slowly dying inside his head,
Little Billy grew quite bored
And played other games instead.
But sports were not his style.
He had no brains for strategy.
So little Billy made the decision
To try an MMORPG.
That was Billy's big mistake.
He'd finally have to pay.
For Fate dumped poor little Billy
Into a Gamemaster's way.
Billy started swearing.
The GM counted strike one.
Strike two came for scamming.
One more and he'd be done.
Then our little Billy
Made a dumb GM call.
"Strike three!!!" the GM shouted
And the axe began to fall.
Billy was quickly warped to jail
His account received a flaggin'.
And when Billy started to whine,
I fed him to a dragon.
And what became of poor Billy,
The boy who had no friends?
I dragged him out into the street
And shot him cause no one likes a retard.
The End
Makes me cry everytime I read it.
I think Billy learned a very important lesson, don't you?
That lesson: don't be a n00b or someone will put a bullet into your brain.
Good lesson that.
[GM]Dave is all about the children.
posted by [GM]Dave
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MissOptimistical Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 7:29 pm
That crying Really spoke to me...
Right down there.... to the heart... heart
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Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 8:06 pm
He really is a good poet ~ heart
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MissOptimistical Vice Captain
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MissOptimistical Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Jan 18, 2007 3:48 pm
I'm Baaaack
At least in theory.
I've decided to give this whole blog thing another shot. I'm feeling refreshed and relaxed about it, so I decided it was time to come back.
Now, you may be wondering what brought this decision on.
Was it the many e-mails telling me that I suck?
In a word, no.
Was it the few donations that people sent me trying to push me back to writing?
No. Those were really nice (even the one that told me to get off my a**), but the money didn't really sway me.
Okay... Not that much.
What brought me back was a nice e-mail I got from a woman who liked the blog. She said some very nice things about the blogs and how much she liked them.
But she didn't tell me to come back. She didn't even ask.
Instead, she just sent some kind wishes and left it at that.
The fact that there are still people worth writing for (and yes, you are many) is what brought me back.
Am I going to be writing every day?
Oh hell no.
I must admit that the time off let me look back over the blog and I realized that the more I tried, the less funny it was. It was the times when I was relaxed and just writing the crazy stuff that popped into my head or happened to me that day, that I really loved.
So, I'm going to write a few times a week. Maybe more depending on what my weekends are like.
But, for all intents and purposes, I am back. For good.
Run and hide, bitches. Run and hide.
_ _ _ _ _ _
A few additional notes:
1) No, I'm not dead.
Apparently, someone started a rumor that I died over Christmas. That was just plain stupid.
First off, I cannot be killed. I mean, duh.
Second, do you really think Susan would post it in the freakin' comments section?
2) The OC got cancelled.
And the world rejoiced.
3) Susan
Susan is doing fine. The baby is (as far as I know) doing well.
There will be a few stories about that very soon.
_ _ _ _ _ _
Anyway, go back to work. I'll talk to you tomorrow.
posted by [GM]Dave
[god save the queen, hes back!]
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