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It is empty here, so here is some food for your brain domokun :


“Pass the baby, dear.”


~ Johnathan Swift on dinner

Mutant variation on the theme of a baby The Baby, much like bears or tribbles, are extremely dangerous and should only be approached with extreme caution.

Babies were once thought to be a breed of tiny forest people much akin to d**k Cheney and Cake. As a secretive race, very little was known of their ways and habits. This theory was promoted by the well known "Baby Anthropologist" Dr. Spock until his tragic death in -999 BC, when it was discovered that everything he said was a lie. I was, in fact,a international drug smuggling cartel.

Simply observing the behavior of otherwise normal human adults when exposed to babies should be enough to convince anyone that something is profoundly strange about them. People start giggling and cooing and making silly faces when exposed to babies. Even the most stoic burly stereotyped blue-collar men are reduced to jelly when confronted with them.

Look at what people do for babies. They spend every waking moment tending to them, or at least paying someone else to tend to them. They clean up fecal matter and vomit. They allow themselves to be drooled on. They wake up at all hours of the night to feed it or hold it or jiggle it around or do whatever it wants when it cries out. People spend inordinate amounts of money on babies.

The truth of the matter is this: Babies aren't really little infant humans. They are really drugs. Most babies in the United States are smuggled in from Colombia or Bolivia, although some come in from Asia.

In Colombia there is a civil war going on between the "legitimate" government and several factions of Marxist-Leninist guerillas. The guerillas control over half the country, however, their administrative institutions are lacking, so they have difficulty collecting taxes from the people to fund their continuing war. The economy is in shambles anyway though.

So the Marxists pay Colombian farmers to grow babies, then they sell them to middlemen who smuggle the babies in to industrialized countries.

Before they are ripe, babies are actually large, flat, and green. They grow on the coca plant, native to the Andes region of South America. The farmers pick the babies from the plants when they are still green, then process them in underground purification plants where the babies are "inflated" and turn either pinkish-whitish or varying shades of brownish or yellowish.

In the 1800's, baby trafficking was not regulated and it was an acceptable practice to have lots of them. It is rumored that Sigmund Freud was actually addicted to babies. And the Pope himself commissioned the production of a special baby-laced wine.

But back to today's problems.

Despite the best efforts of the government, the BEA (Baby Enforcement Agency) has been unable to stem the tide of baby importation. Baby-sniffing dogs often caught truckloads of babies at the U.S.-Mexico border, where they were confiscated and destroyed. To avoid capture, baby smugglers have resorted to alternate means of getting them through.

The most successful method discovered is to wrap the baby in a white cloth and train a large bird to carry it to its ultimate destination. Usually storks are used for this, but sometimes herons or pelicans (they're useful for more then just mixing concrete).

Once in the United States, the baby smugglers sneak into hospitals to put the babies into specially designated rooms, innocuously called "nurseries."

This is the part that is really creepy. The medical establishment is actually participating in this baby trafficking. As if putting kids on Ritalin wasn't bad enough! Doctors actually give the babies to unsuspecting couples and single women, who, once transfixed by the spooky gaze of a giggling infant, are immediately hooked and feel compelled to take the baby home with them.

People who think they are morally superior often look at the skyrocketing rate of babies in broken homes or of single mothers. They cluck their tongues and complain about American moral decline. The problem is not, as they suggest, in sexual promiscuity or uncommitted spouses, but in the increasing greed of the baby smugglers who do everything in their power to get people hooked.

Contents
1 Known facts about baby addiction
2 Known facts about babies
3 The Pope does some more whinging
4 Baby kissing
5 Practical Uses
6 The Baby Epidemic
7 Fun and wholesome activities with your baby
8 Baby Mauling
9 How to Defeat one
10 Responses from babies
11 See also

Known facts about baby addiction
Approximately 13% of the American public is addicted to babies at any given moment.
Baby addiction has been documented throughout history, including a story in the Bible involving King Solomon.
Baby addiction is responsible for $438 billion in health care costs every year, making it the single largest public health threat in the United States today.
Within minutes of first exposure, susceptible individuals begin developing addiction.
Often baby addiction is so severe that as soon as one baby wilts and dies an addict begins to seek out a new baby.
There have been numerous unsuccessful attempts to isolate the active ingredient into a refined form - the so-called 'Baby Oil'. This is widely available due to the baby dealers' need to turn a profit on their lower-grade goods, but it doesn't ******** you up at all.

Known facts about babies
Babies spend up to 19 hours a day sleeping. The rest of their time is spent either eating, squawking, crapping, boarding planes early, and studying religion.
A baby's squawk, or "cry" as it is often known, is used to communicate emotional states to other addicts, ranging from distress and fear to anger or even joy. It is also used as a warning cry and, during the mating season as a challenge to ward off competing males.
Although cries usually range between 190 and 300 decibels, cries of over 500 decibels have probably been recorded. If so, the general public will be in the dark about it for a while, as in extreme cases, the sound produced by a baby causes large amounts of internal hemmhoraging and harmonic resonance, responsible for failures in electronic equipment, including tape recorders. Michael Jackson's father soon picked up on the idea and founded a well-known and revered murder syndicate known as the Jackson Five.
Babies lack the necessary motor skills to propel themselves via two legs, and therefore crawl or roll to get from place to place when unaccompanied by an avian delivery animal. In recent years jet propulsion has become a popular third option.
Baby flesh is said by many to taste like chicken, although, as a noted gourmand, Dr Spock himself often likened it to lightly poached quail in a subtle vinegar dressing. The stuck up git. It has also been reported that babies taste delicious with chocolate and whipped cream.
Babies have been used as collectible musical instruments found both in nature and McDonald's Happy Meals as early as 1903. There are many reported ways to play a baby, which include, but are not limited to, the following: shaking, dropping, feeding, not feeding, lack of attention, and sexual intercourse (although this method is not recommended, as in most cases it takes nine months for the baby to make any audible noise).
Babies are widely known as the cutest of God's Darth Vader's creations. Despite their cuteness, many of them still retain their horrible smell, similar to that of sour milk and goat droppings.

The Pope does some more whinging
In a controversial speech, The Pope had a live interview with the president live from his crap shak, loo, dunny can, you get the idea. Accompanied by the graceful and almighty plops of his poo in the backround he began he's speech.

President:So there is an important baby epidemic problem...
Pope:Ahghghh zee bebes (*plop*) we HATE those bebes (*plop*)
President: Mr Pope are YOU DRUNK
Pope: Nonono (*bleeagh!*) ima just the booyeeaa hehehe (*plop*)
President: So ahh (oh my) how do you think we should solve this problem, there are smugglers all over smuggling bab...
Pope: BABEEEES!!!! WERE!!!!!(*Plop*)!!!!!!!!!(*PLOP*) were are teh bebes!!!!(*gunshots*)
after the gunshots were heard the signal was lost but the Pope made his point (and poop)

Baby kissing
Baby kissing is the act of kissing a baby. Baby kissing is found gross by some people because the kisser kisses the baby and then swallows the saliva that touched the baby's skin. It is thought that this contact with the baby gives the kisser a brief but intense high, similar to heroin, kitten huffing or insufflating Oscar Wilde quotes. Baby kissing is often done by politicians along with shaking hands.

In a tragic mistake of translation, Argentine President Leopoldo Galtieri kissed many hands and shook a few babies during his 1981 official visit to the Isle of Wight. This was the first in a chain of events that led to the Falklands War, which itself was just a means of distracting the public from the discovery of a mysterious black oily compound of extraterrestrial origin (sometimes referred to as Mystery Meat, or else Margaret Thatcher).

Practical Uses
One of several popular methods of painting a house (also see baby impressionism). The amount of color and texture applied can be adjusted by the force with which one throws the babies. This method was pioneered in Russia during the 1870s, where peasants would use pitchforks to propel the babies at a wall of their choosing. This remained the standard method for several decades. The highly competitive pneumatic and mechanical-kinetic baby launcher industry sprung up nearly overnight in the 1970s, and today the baby launcher market, although only a small niche, accounts for at least some income in the coffers of all major machinery manufactuers.

The modern baby launcher was invented by Al Gore. It should not be confused with the Internet, which is powered by a baby-fueled furnace, although both were invented by Gore.

Babies also can be the unwanted side effect of sexual intercourse.
Pickled babies make good eating.
When propelled at a proper velocity, babies can, in fact, be a viable replacement for paint.
If they are restrained and kept away from sunlight, babies are very delicious.
In their natural habitats, babies are often found living in trees. Most babies can be found in Australia.
When properly carved and illuminated, babies make fantastic jack-o-lanterns.
Feed them to a cat/dog babies also make good octopus food.
When out of toilet papper, remove skin and use it as paper.
Babies are also known to make good salsa. Baby brains, leg meat, red wine vinegar, red peppers, cilantro, and a squeeze of lime.... mmmmm!
But more about that in my next post!

The Baby Epidemic
Recently, a before unheard of epidemic has appeared in most of England, and small parts of Australia. Many parents, mostly those that reside in larger cities, have found that what they once believed to be their babies, were actually bags of sugar, with just enough makeup on to fool the parents. The first case of what has been coined as "sugarbabies" sprung up around May, 2005, and police have since been looking into it, though very little progress has been made.

Fun and wholesome activities with your baby
Bake the baby.
Hide WMDs in the baby
Hurl your kitten.
Make baby fly with helium balloons.
Shotgun your baby.
Organize articles on wikis.
The manufacture of Violins.
Spin bowling.
Test that new cheese grater Aunt Melody gave you for Chrismahanukwanzakuh.
Seeing if your new 300 horse power blender works with a baby in it.
See what sound it makes when you run over it with your car.
Burn, baby, burn!
Throw a baby shower.
Operate a baby conveyor belt.

Baby Mauling
A very popular blood-sport invented by Nathan Counsel it involves jumping into babies and their mothers in order to cause harm to them

How to Defeat one
It is common knowledge that babies do not have souls. As such, a "Baby hunter" ,if you will, can defeat them without remorse.

Steps to defeating a baby:
1. Give it Bait: The best form of bait for a baby is a human heart. Some hunters have also been known to use chicken brains.
2. Once it is distracted,shoot it.
You have defeated the baby. Relax and rejoice that you have contributed to the destruction of the human race my alien friend.

Righto.
I'll create some more topics then.

Just the kind I like. (I read it now btw).

Indeed...

Time for a war on babies? That may be a hard sell...perhaps a grassroots effort? Take it one addict at a time.

Uhoh, gotta go check on the kids.

Damn!

WTF, how didn't I see this thread? ******** hell.

It lied dormant for many a year until the chosen one walked the journey of a thousand years to awaken him from his slumber.