Welcome to Gaia! ::

Well...I wrote this very very short story from my own experience :] I hope you like it, it's just something I threw together and a lot of my friends says its good...but I want to know some of yall's opinions...

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She stared at the computer screen, the sharp image became a blur. She quickly lowered her head into her hands and as her shoulders shook she listened to the lyrics being sung to her through support and she listened to the words and tasted the music on her lips and she slowly whispered them back and paused for a response.
The music did occur and while it continued, her shoulders shook violentley and was to afraid to look up at the letters sprawled into sentences on the screen that would seem so blurry it would seem she was blind, yet she knew they were still just words but all the same those words were the truth- the truth that hurt the most. She couldn't bare it yet handle it and she felt so alone more alone then she had ever felt in her life.
No one cares,, she thought.I can't do this anymore,, she thought. Why am I never good enough,, she thought. Her friends on her instant messenger continued to tell her that she was good enough, and that they did care and that she was wonderful and he didnt deserve her, but she knew those words were lies, tiny white lies to keep her from crying,, yet they only made her tears shed faster.Her hands clenched to the desk and her knuckles turned pale, she paused her sobbing for just enough time to let out a scream, a scream of hope and understanding.
She shook her head at herself and giggled, and then she laughed because she giggled and then laughed harder because of her laugh and soon she was laughing on her knees with tears rolling down her face. She lifted herself into the chair and managed a smile, she picked up the mouse and clicked on her instant messenger, she clicked that name and slowly typed, "I'm moving on, I can see now you were nothing more then a pathetic phase, I have learned to accept that and when you come back to school don't act as if nothing happened because indeed it did happen." She pressed the "Enter" button and lifted from the chair where she went into the restroom and cleaned her face, then went outside to take pictures of her witnessing smile.

Thank you, I'll try to fix it!

Edit #1 - And yeah I know it's a little short and uh "rapid" It's just something I threw together to try and show my emotions, nothing special sweatdrop

Edit #2 - And it kind of showed how long it took me to realize that I was stupid, for obsessing over a guy that, well has played me. xp

Not trying to nag, but try not to double (or, in this case, triple) post! wink You can edit. Thanks!

On to my crit... Yes, as has been said, it is short and doesn't seem... real. It's hard to connect with the character, for the mood changes so quickly and it's a little hard to tell what's going on, perhaps because there are a lot of run-on sentences.

Example of a run-on:



Better way to phrase the example:



A run-on you have:



Better way, IMO:



Also, as shown in my example above, thoughts should be expressed in italics (or even quotes, I think - not too sure on this, sorry! sweatdrop )

Hope that helps some!