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Quicksilver the Archangel
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 Posted: Fri Mar 09, 2007 10:47 pm
Despite the pain in his head and lower body, Kieran decided that enough was enough. He couldn't stay in Lysander's room hiding forever, nor did he want to. What he needed to do was make it back to his room, clean up in a shower... and then find Seki. The last item on the list was the most important, to be sure, and it was the one that the seme felt that he had to do as soon as possible, no matter how much his heart warned him of the upcoming pain. He had made a mistake; he deserved to be punished. Lying or trying to cover it up would only make things worse.
With that plan of action in mind, the scorpian seme peered into the hallway to make sure he wouldn't be spotted before going (as fast as possible, given his state) into his room. Thanking his good fortune at having made it that far undetected, he hobbled into the shower and tried to use the warm water to brace him for his upcoming trials.
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Posted: Sun Mar 11, 2007 6:17 pm
Finally the silver winged cat had been able to think of something to make. It made sense afterall that his ice cream float loving mate would like something as sweet and decadent as waffles topped with icecream and berries. He worked hard to get the plate together, than silently headed to the bed room, wanting to wait there for Kieran's arrival.
Much to his surprise, Seki heard water running. Seki was already there. At some point the silence had been filled with hope, and he placed the plate down running into the bathroom.
Only to freeze in place.
HIS scent. The one he didn't like being around. The one that made him nervous and scared. Why was it there.. With Kieran?
What had he missed?
Backing out of the room Seki headed back meekly to the bed sitting down and folding his hands.
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Quicksilver the Archangel
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Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2007 5:47 pm
Over the roar of the shower, Kieran couldn't hear anything, and he focused his concentration on getting himself clean primarily. There were some things that the shower couldn't wash away - pain, guilt, that slight knot of tension in his stomach that threatened to overwhelm him every time he thought about a fragile feline of gray, but just having his skin clean made him feel a bit better able to face his mate.
Which... was apparently going to happen sooner then later, he discovered as he walked out of the bathroom in nothing but a tightly tied robe, hair still damp and disheveled. Seeing his mate perched on their bed made his already guilty heart throb all the more, as did the sight of the perfectly presented waffles and icecream. "You made me breakfast? Honestly, Seki, you shouldn't have..."
And the scorpian seme meant it; he was unworthy of such caring attention. Every bit of emotion and depth to his being made him aware of the fact, and despite the pressure in his chest, he knew that he had to confess. It would change everything; it would take away whatever security he had left, but at this point he didn't care. Things had to be set as right as possible... regardless of the consequences. Kieran rubbed at his naturally red eyes before taking a seat beside the winged feline on the bed. "Seki... I need to tell you something important, but I don't think I'll be able to manage it unless I do it one go. So... I'm going to ask you to listen to me without interrupting. Then, after... you can tell me whatever you want. Okay?"
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Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2007 7:20 pm
Seki looked up at Kieran a mute nod being all he could manage as he shifted a bit, his heart sinking, just as the icecream sank into the waffles, feeling as if it was just as much a puddle. He clutched his hands together, his wings pulled tightly to his back, rather than mantled proudly as they usually were when he was alone with his mate.
He is leaving me.... that is .. the smell... He was with the pegasus, and now he chose him over me. He felt like he was going to be sick, but he respected the scorpian's desire to keep silent and did so.
Still, the silence didn't stop the tears of fear and ... self loathing from coming to him. He had known and said that he wasn't worthy of being loved, and now in his heart the evidance was there. It was just going to take the seme's words to prove it.
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Quicksilver the Archangel
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Posted: Tue Mar 13, 2007 7:44 pm
It hurt Kieran to see the frightened angle of those wings, the faintest hint of tears that was ever so noticeable in the feline's eyes at this close distance. The scorpian seme did the only thing he could think of - he slammed his own eyes shut. He wouldn't be able to continue, to make sure that he said everything that he needed to if he had to look at his mate. Just one more weakness...
But where to start? How to explain something that you didn't completely understand yourself? Of course, at the beginning, but what was really the beginning? The beginning of the incident? The beginning of his drinking? The beginning of realizing just how weak and pathetic he truly was? The first seemed the best, so he took a breath and released his words in a steady stream, faster at some points then others, but all intelligible.
"I invited Lysander out to a bar with me, and he agreed to keep me company. I know you told me to stop drinking, Seki, and I tried, I really did. Then I kept remembering how much pain I had caused you after the fight with Lysander, and how Tsuki berated me and called me weak, and how true it all was, and how much fault I had and..."
The seme stopped himself, shaking his head. Now he was just babbling - these were excuses, not reasons. These weren't facts about what happend, but about the past, and worst of all... it sounded too much like blame to the scorpian, and that was the last thing he wanted to say. He didn't blame his winged love; far from it! He only blamed himself, his own inability to change and lack of strength. He opened his eyes for a minute before they slammed shut again and the words gushed out, "But none of this is your fault, Seki, none of it! I don't want you to blame yourself; I just want you to know that. You did nothing wrong, nothing at all..."
"But back to the point. I managed to convince Lysander to try and a rum and coke and decided that it would be a good idea to have a drinking contest. We were both pretty bad off after that, him moreso then me since he wasn't used to the drinking, but I managed to get him home alright. I... I'm not exactly sure how things happened next."
That was the worst part of all, dammit! Kieran really couldn't remember, not everything; it was hazy and pieced like an out-of-focus puzzle where if he could only connect the shapes then he'd be able to construct a complete memory. But he couldn't, and so he went forward as honestly as possible. Having gone so far, he would hate to lose his drive here. "I brought him back to his room, just to make sure that he got in okay... and the next thing I remember he was on top of me, and I tried to get away... and then it was the next morning. I... I'm not proud of what I've done, Seki. It was a stupid, useless mistake, and I swear I would take it back if I could..."
But he couldn't. Things had already happened; all he could do now was shoulder the consequences. Now he opened his eyes, crimson shimmering all the more because of his tears, and he made no effort to supress them. It would've been impossible anyway - he had laid his heart on the line, and he was simply waiting for the painful stroke. "I... I won't blame you, if you never want to see me again, if we're through. I'll understand. I just want you to know that I never meant to betray you, never meant to hurt you, even if it seems like it's the only thing I'm good at doing. I love you, Seki. I always have; I always will. But I'll understand... if you can't love me anymore."
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Posted: Tue Mar 13, 2007 8:10 pm
Seki parted his lips, then closed them again. He was mad. Not at Kieran, never at him. At himself. So many reasons to be mad at himself after hearing that.
"I wasnt there for you." He whispered first, shame tingeing the words, makeing then into blades that cut, not at Kieran but at himself. "I wasn't there. Not only that, but I .. I wasn't enough. Never enough."
He rose to his feet, his staggering shocked body hitting the table, causeing a glass of milk he had gotten himself to tip off, shattering on the floor. An echo to what he was feeling inside. The pain swirled in a tempest. "I.. demand and demand.. but.. I have no right. I nag.. I am..." He wilted more, staggering across the room.
"I am no mate.. I knew I wasn't enough to keep you happy.. I knew I wasn't good.. that one like Lysander is so much better, but I had hoped.." He slid down. "I am weak.. too weak. You need.. you needed someone strong and all you got was someone weak and pathetic."
The words tumbled in a storm... His whole body felt like it was in the storm, like he was being cut to shreds. "I... If you needed him... then you needed him. I know I am .. I am a poor substitute.. I will pack up and leave.. this is your home.. I am sorry."
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Quicksilver the Archangel
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Posted: Thu Mar 15, 2007 9:01 pm
How did it always happen this way? Why did it always happen this way? Kieran watched Seki's distress, the drop of the milk, the pain slipping through the voice that he loved to hear sing so much, and he felt his hands curl into fists. He couldn't take it anymore, no, not when he had caused all of this pain.
He swung off of the bed, into the bathroom, digging under the cabinet to pull out the one thing he had learned to have faith in. Staring at the half-empty bottle of rum in his hand, he paused. What the hell was he doing? How would this make it any better? It'd numb the pain for a while, sure, but it would come back again. It always came back again. And if he hadn't been drinking, then he wouldn't have had to cause this pain, wouldn't have had to witness it!
With a curse he threw the bottle in the sink, knowing that the smell of the drink would stink the place for a while, but the scorpian seme didn't care. At least it would be over. He wouldn't have to go back to that damn bottle. He had something better, didn't he? He loved his mate, didn't he? Of course he did - more than anything, more than anyone. It was high time he acted like it.
It only took a moment, really, for Kieran to perform his task, and he re-entered the bedroom, crossed over that same pitiful puddle of milk, in order to kneel in front of Seki. He didn't dare reach out to grab the other, simply knelt and bowed his head, whispering, "Seki... stop. I told you not to blame yourself. I told you it was me. Why... can't you realize that hurting you... is what pains me the most?"
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Posted: Fri Mar 16, 2007 4:55 am
Seki looked up with red rimmed eyes, his ears flicking weakly to pivot onto the sound of Kieran's voice. "I failed you though... I wasn't enough. I tried but I wasn't there when you needed me... and.. and..." His ears flattened again.
"The puppy ran away.. it left me too." It was such a foolish thing to bring up now. Childish really but it was all he could do to explain how alone he felt. He had been devoted, had turned down the obvious flirting of another.. and came back to chaos.
How he just wanted a hug so badly. He wanted Kieran to hug him and say it wouldn't happen again. But how could he ask for that? Hadn't Kieran told him, the day they got the puppy that there would be no more drinking?
Now the puppy was gone.. Kieran had drank... and..
"Do you love.. Lysander more than me?"
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Quicksilver the Archangel
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Posted: Fri Mar 16, 2007 7:59 pm
The question literally made Kieran's mouth drop. He hated to hear the rest of it, about his lover's guilt and the fact that his pet puppy had run away, which obviously affected the feline terribly, but the last question left him in a state half of shock and half of anguish.
"Do I... no. No, of course not! What on Gaia would possess you to ask such a thing? Didn't I already tell you, haven't I already said countless times how much I love you? I didn't sleep with Lysander because I love him! It was an accident, a mistake, something that was never meant to happen but did. Love had nothing to do with it!"
A tired smile crossed his face as he brushed a strand of his drying purple hair aside before reaching out to cup Seki's cheek. "Seki... I told you when we first met that I was a one love kind of Shounen, didn't I? I still am, in that respect, as I was then. I may have spiralled down to become a weak, respectless drunkard... but my love for you has been the one thing to remain constant. You shouldn't ever doubt that."
Then, pausing, he added in a hushed tone, "Though... I wouldn't blame you if you did, after everything."
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Posted: Fri Mar 16, 2007 8:16 pm
Seki trembled and whispered. "But.. if you didn't sleep with him because you love him.. what is to stop you from sleeping with others you feel nothing for? I... I .. don't love Tsuki but he is my friend.. should I have slept with him?" He was so confused not. It was more than just pain, it was utter bafflement on how one was supposed to act now.
Seki shivered and looked down. "I... I just am so confused. I.. I am sorry.. I n-never.. I didnt'.. I didn't like Lysander.. but... I didn't expect this.. does he at least love you? I.. I can't .. I don't understand it at all. Doesn't there have to be some feeling?"
Then it hit him like a fist to the gut. "You.. didn't come for me.. you... wanted it then? Did.. you say no.. if you did.. why.. didn't he stop?"
Seki swallowed.. "Unless.... Kieran... do... I not please you?"
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Quicksilver the Archangel
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Posted: Sat Mar 17, 2007 8:07 pm
Kieran's temples were beginning to throb in rhythm with his pulse, and the mention of Tsuki re-lit an old fire that burnt far hotter within him then the cold red of his eyes suggested. He remembered a time, though it had been long ago, when the little moon deer had kissed his mate as his silver-furred beauty had hissed wildly at Kieran to stay away, and another incident even before all of that whenever he had not fought off the clutches of a certain golden snake too hard. The scorpian was not the type to get jealous easily, nor was he entirely jealous now. But he would have been lying to himself if there wasn't at least a tinge of the emotion now.
Another emotion rose within him too - one that seemed a mingling of frustration, pain, and anger. He hadn't expected to be forgiven, really, and he hadn't expected his revelation to be easy for either himself or Seki. What he did expect, however, was not to have to explain every minute detail of what he had already described as a mistake in judgement. If one could even call it that - even his "judgement" was questionable given the circumstances. Why did he have to answer all of these questions? Why was Seki even asking them? All of the thought made his head pound all the more, and he was beginning to regret his rash action of destroying the rum bottle.
"What's to stop me? Seki, I'm not a two gold whore! When I'm thinking correctly, which is more often then not, this doesn't happen. It's never happened before, and it won't ever happen again. I never intended for it to happen this time, and I regret it, obviously more then my words can express. What else can I say to you?"
"I told you I tried to get away; if he didn't stop, then I must've encouraged him. Maybe I gave up because it was just too hard to struggle. I don't remember, to be honest, Seki, because I was drunk. I can tell you it wasn't rape, because that's true. I'm pretty sure I'd remember that. Of course you please me - I've told you not to doubt yourself! As I've said, though I'll say it again, however many times and ways you ask it of me: I love you. Only you. Always you."
He paused, his voice tinged bitterness, "Of course I don't think you should sleep with Tsuki, not unless we're through as a mated pair and you decide that's who you'll be with next. Is that what you want? I'd understand, really."
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Posted: Sun Mar 18, 2007 1:36 pm
Seki's heart sank more. He could clearly hear the anger showing through everything that was spoken to him. He had said something wrong. He had just not realy understood. Kieran was his first and only love. He had really really made some error.
Seki wilted more, backing weakly away from the obviously angry scorpian seme. "Im sorry. I.. Im sorry.." he scrambled toward the bed, looking ready to hide under it again.
What's to stop me? Love? Loyalty... careing about the one you said you wanted to be with?
Seki was too terrified to say that. It was true that he wasn't loved that much then. It was also apprent that he shouldn't have cared. He is to be loyal and not let others touch him.. Kieran could.. as long as he wasn't paid for it?
He started crying. He was confused. He wantd to be the only one in someone's heart. "I'm sorry.. I have no right to ask for anything from you. I don't.. I can't ever be with anyone again.. I only ever wanted to be with you. I wont be with anyone else but you, but...."
He paused sliding under the bed. "If.. you .. want to sleep with others that is your right. Im sorry..." He started to sob harder becoming inchoherant.
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Quicksilver the Archangel
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Posted: Mon Mar 19, 2007 9:39 pm
The throbbing in his temples only increased, and if his words came out as anger, it was a misreading of emotion. Frustration and pain, confusion and terror, all of these blended together to pour out of his mouth in a strangled cry whenever he saw his mate trying to slide under the bed.
His body took over when his mind ceased to function, grabbing hold of Seki's legs and pulling him back out again, scooping the feline up and pressing him against his bathrobe covered chest, desperation his primary motivation as he finally burst into tears himself. "Damn it, Seki! Don't... don't DO this to me!"
"Why do you always run from me? Why do you always hide? That's no way to deal with a problem - it doesn't fix ANYTHING. Yell at me. Renounce me. Curse at me, spit at me... do something. But don't run from me. Don't give me permission to hurt you just because you think it's what I want!"
Red eyes shining bright, too bright, the seme resumed his rushed words, "Let me be perfectly clear. Listen to me carefully. I don't want to hurt you. I've never wanted to hurt you. I've never wanted to sleep with anyone but you. I love you. If I didn't, I wouldn't be sitting here with a ******** drum in my skull, trying SO HARD to face you."
"Don't you trust me enough... to do the same?"
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Posted: Tue Mar 20, 2007 8:09 am
Seki let out a yawling cry of sadness and reacted with a secondary instinct, clutching onto Kieran and sobbing harder. "I.. I dont want to have to share you. I just don't understand. I don't... Kieran I want to understand, but... but you seem so mad at me."
His ears were still laid back tightly, his tail limp and his wings folded to the point of being completely hidden. He seemed once more to be the shy singer that was first hiding behind the sofa when he met Kieran.
Hiccuping sobs left his chest and he clutched onto the seme for all he was worth. "I don't understand." It was all he could manage. There was no anger to Kieran, no desire to renounce him. Nothing of the sort really, just a wishing that he could be enough, be worthy of anything. That and another burst of upset at himself for makeing the scorpion cry.
"I don't want you to hate me.. I don't... I don't want you to want me to go. Please don't hate me.. please don't send me away. I will learn more... I will learn to please you more..." He spoke muffled against Kieran's chest.
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Quicksilver the Archangel
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Posted: Tue Mar 20, 2007 4:25 pm
Kieran, after his own burst of speeded words, merely clutched the sobbing Shounen to his chest... and listened.
"I don't want you to hate me."
"I don't want you to want me to go." (In conjunction, of course, with "Please don't send me away.")
"I will learn to please you more."
He heard all of that, but even his pain fogged brain detected the more important aspect of those words: what he -didn't- hear.
"I love you."
"I want you to stay with me."
"I am strong enough to love myself."
And underneath it all, he didn't hear the question that had fled, naked and unashamed, from his heart answered. He did not hear:
"I trust you. (Which would also mean "I forgive you.")
Nor did he hear all of the answers that that answer entailed.
"I'll face this darkness with you."
"I'll act as a support for you, and you'll act as a support for me."
"We will face this trial together."
"I'm here for you."
And as he sat there, hand unconciously stroking Seki's hair, his wings, the scorpian realized that, as he thought back over the last two years that he had been mated to the feline, that he could only see trust being part of their relationship at the very beginning. ... had it even been there then?
Hadn't Seki always feared that Kieran would leave him for someone "better?" Hadn't Seki asked, too his face, how long it would be before a blue fist came after his face? Hadn't Seki run, much as he had done just now, to an obliette where he was unable to be helped?
Yes. There had always been a lack of trust, a lack of equality there. What the hell was Kieran supposed to do? Go back to the way things were? Wait until he tore away every silver hair and white feather and was left alone in a pool of blood? ... was that what it would amount to?
"Seki... you really don't understand."
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