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 Posted: Tue May 22, 2007 10:05 pm
Should I continue? I wrote it awhile ago and forgot about it, and then came back...there's two parts, almost seperate...or two different begginnings... Either way, same story. And it's just rough.
In the heart of Seattle, in the depths of the night, there sits a girl. She has dark black hair and pale skin, with round, lively green eyes. Her cheekbones are sharp and her eyebrows highly arched, almost elflike. The clothing she has donned has been washed in a black tide, spinning an air of shadow beneath the stars. Her name is Evelyn. And she is me.
My face was stiff and numb with cold, but I could not let such feelings occupy my mind. Keeping low to the cement, I skimmed over to my target: Seattle Washington’s Mutual Bank. I leaned very close to the window and peered through. Lucky, I mused. This bank has no night guard.
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The tide is rushing in now, and the air is bitter cold. As I stand before the water’s edge, the night’s events rush before the black of my eyes, forcing waves of anger and guilt upon my conscience. My mind is skipping as like ruined movie; playing the fateful scene ever so clearly, and then frazzling back to the start of it.
It began at the ball. How could that have happened at a ball? There were so many people; I didn’t think I could possibly stand out. But I had. I am not sure how, but someone there knew that I was of a strange blood. My appearances betray nothing –average human height, light, perhaps rosy cheeks, tamed if not restrained black curls, and misty green eyes. I had been wearing a pale green gown with a black shawl, and escorting me was the handsome Davy Williams, son of the most skilled blacksmith in Europe. We attracted not many faces upon entering the great wooden doors, but we did not mind that. Rather, after discarding our belongings at the door, we slid into the dance, waltzing with ease to the prancing song. And then the worst of the worst: I was shot, and in the right collarbone. I never feel pain, so I didn’t even notice, for it was a silent sniper. But Davy did. Horror stuck his perfect features as he saw my black blood seep from my shoulder, and he backed straight into another dancing couple. Suddenly, an invisible hand grabbed me by the throat, and began pulling me backward out of the ballroom. Davy stared after me as I choked and sputtered, scratching at a murdering hand that I knew he could not see. And for some odd reason, no one else cared that a choking girl bleeding black was careening backwards out of the ballroom.
Anyways, tell me whether this has any beginning worth...PLEASE don't say stuff just to make me feel good. ninja Thanks...
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Posted: Wed May 23, 2007 9:11 am
Well, the wording could be a little better and you should format it better, but you said it was a rough draft so I'm not going to be any more specific than usual about that.
As for continuing this story, I say go for it. Even without proper rewriting you've gotten me interested and I would definately like to see what happens next.
Orishmasu
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Posted: Wed May 23, 2007 2:53 pm
Hehe, yeah major editing is needed...but I've found that I'll never go anywhere if I allow myself to edit, because I can reword, cut and add things forever...so yeah. Demo, arigatou! I'll prolly continue it in word with only minor editing and then post in here again... xD Thanks for being honest! ^^
My only reply! =)
*hint hint* to others...^^
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Posted: Wed May 23, 2007 3:27 pm
Another Japaneese speaker.
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Posted: Wed May 23, 2007 10:30 pm
xD I love Japanese...though it's only my first year taking it, so I don't know how to talk casually yet. Like...watashi wa (ha) nihongo ga daisuke desu... or わたし は にほんご が だいすき です。 でも、 すこし にほんご を はなします。 ...yeah. Do you speak Japanese well?
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Posted: Thu May 24, 2007 11:08 am
Nope, I'm trying for Latin, though I'm not getting very far. Heru-chan can do some basic conversations though.
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Posted: Fri May 25, 2007 9:07 pm
Oh, okay. They don't have Latin at our school xD just Spanish, French, and Japanese.
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Posted: Sat May 26, 2007 4:51 pm
I can learn any language I want to at my school. (Heh.)
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Posted: Sun May 27, 2007 1:13 pm
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Posted: Sun May 27, 2007 1:19 pm
That is because I'm home schooled.
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