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 Posted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 10:59 pm
This thread is for protégés of Zeo to post poetry for critique.
Welcome. I'm Zeo, and I've been writing in some form or another since my youth. I am currently majoring in philosophy (which requires, as we all know, extensive critical thinking and analysis) and am intending to get an MFA in creative writing.
I mostly write poetry, although I do write short stories as well. (Not to mention some novels in the works.) My interest has always been to become a comic artist, but unfortunately my real skill stops at writing. (It does, however, influence the way I view poetry.)
I am currently experimenting with non-traditional styles of poetry and writing. My preferred form is prose poetry (and language poetry, though to a lesser extent). I also write free form. I do not tend to work in other styles as much, so my specialty will likely be focused not on structure or form but on the art of the poem.
My philosophy of poetry is to treat it as if it were a painting: to take an aspect of human experience and convey it in a new way. I believe the poem should be what happens between the reader and the poem, and not just the words themselves. A poem should (and I say this from my perspective) impart on you a new way of seeing and appreciating the world. This is what I will focus on in my critiques.
Although I want to help individuals to create meaningful art, I also want to emphasize the importance of knowing and understanding the basics. I've heard this said of art: "to manipulate reality you must be able to understand reality." So it is true of poetry.
So! On to critiquing! I don't bite, so long as you take your work and desire to improve seriously. wink
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Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2007 8:03 pm
Phew. Ok, here we go. Not used to subjecting my poems to the critique of people who actually know how to constructively criticize...only my very close friends have every seen my poetry, and none of them are very good at writing, so they all think it's great. confused
This poem was written a while ago, actually, but it's still one of my favorites. (Yes, I'm digging back in archives. I haven't actually written anything new in...well, a really long time. Besides, my teacher once told me I should set my poetry aside, and then come back to it much later, with a fresh perspective.)
The title was "Regrets", but I'm not sure I like that anymore.
Nothing will ever be the same.
I have taken the knife
with cold impartiality
And ruined the tapestry.
A zigzag slash
rending through the resilience
And the beauty, buried -
Now shattered.
As a ruby, the red of blood
at the core of a throbbing,
heartfelt existence.
As the beauty dies, I feel
the cold scissors
shear my unconscious heart -
And it wakes,
Shrieking in pain.
Nothing will ever be the same. Edit: Ohh....Ugh. There were supposed to be spaces in some places, at the beginning of the lines, kind of like an indent...but it won't let me do it, so I'll have to just ignore them. sad
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Posted: Sat Jun 23, 2007 3:20 pm
Lady Laurana Phew. Ok, here we go. Not used to subjecting my poems to the critique of people who actually know how to constructively criticize...only my very close friends have every seen my poetry, and none of them are very good at writing, so they all think it's great. confused I understand the feeling!This poem was written a while ago, actually, but it's still one of my favorites. (Yes, I'm digging back in archives. I haven't actually written anything new in...well, a really long time. Besides, my teacher once told me I should set my poetry aside, and then come back to it much later, with a fresh perspective.) That's not a bad idea. I recently took an advanced creative writing course, and I randomly submitted a poem I had done in high school. (We weren't supposed to, but I didn't tell anyone and I was honestly interested to hear what people had to say, since my style has changed quite a bit since then. We wont mention the fact that I did it because I didn't feel like writing a new poem that week... Anyway, I did get some feedback on it, and it turns out that I had made a happy accident that I hadn't intended at the time. So going back and reviewing older poetry definitely brings new things to light, not only about said poem but about what you're doing now. The title was "Regrets", but I'm not sure I like that anymore. I agree that a different title might be better. The title "Regrets" seems to say a lot less than I think you actually want to say. It also turns away potential readers, giving perhaps the idea that the poem might not say anything new.
I'm guessing you haven't thought of a replacement? If that's the case, I think you'll find that as you revise the poem, a more apt title might reveal itself. It's probably best to keep the title from being a phrase or line that's actually used in the poem (you could have just as easily called it "Nothing will ever be the same," which I would say the same thing I said about "Regrets": you would do better with a stronger title.) But, we all know coming up with a good title can be a pain. _____________________________________________ Nothing will ever be the same. So, this is the line that is setting the stage for the rest of the poem. However, I don't feel that it is particularly strong enough to carry it. Part of this is because you hear the phrase "nothing will ever be the same" a lot. It's not exactly original language. Go ahead and keep the meaning, but perhaps revise the language a bit. By the way, I like that this line stands alone.
I have taken the knife This line isn't very poetic. It comes out reading more like prose. This is an instance where you are telling, rather than showing. It would make this line much stronger to show through poetic imagery the fact that you have taken the knife. Right now, it's pretty straightforward. with cold impartiality This is interesting. However, "cold" and "impartial" imply the same thing. It might be better to exchange the word "cold" for something else that maybe gives a feel for what impartiality is like. And ruined the tapestry. Again, this seems a little too direct--telling, and not showing. (But, it does make me curious.) A zigzag slash Alright, here's some imagery. rending through the resilience Nice alliteration, and nice choice of words!And the beauty, buried - Again, alliteration. smile Now shattered. It's not necessary to capitalize "now" here. As a ruby, the red of blood More imagery. Good, good. at the core of a throbbing, heartfelt existence. Interesting. Something about this line seems a little wordy, though. "Existence" just feels a little, to use your word, impartial. Maybe something like "heartfelt being" or "heartfelt presence" might give the line a more poetic feel. As the beauty dies, I feel the cold scissors I think you could choose a stronger word here. shear my unconscious heart - And it wakes, Shrieking in pain. Don't capitalize "shrieking" here.
Nothing will ever be the same. Now, you've got a nice, stand alone repetition of the beginning. I like that idea, although I have the same qualm with this phrase that I did before.
Overall, what I mostly pointed out were words I felt could be stronger. You have some interesting literary techniques in there which I would like to see more of throughout. A few of your lines are, as I said, a little too straightforward. You do a great job of creating imagery in some parts, but in others you fall into telling, and not showing. Also, be sure to avoid using cliches. Try saying "nothing will ever be the same" in a new way. I know that's the meaning you want to convey, but like I said, the language is common.
I've been trying to pay attention to the mood and the meaning behind the poem. It's dark, maybe sad, and violent with a kind of hopeless anger. I've said that in parts the language could use a boost to convey these emotions better. It's obvious that you have something artistic you want to say, though, so having a clear theme in mind helps to keep a focus on what you want to express. As an interesting exercise, I'd like you to find two poems in the OP/L that are expressing the same emotion. (Whichever you'd like: perhaps anger, sadness, maybe glee. Whichever one people commonly write about.) Choose one that you think conveys the emotion strongly--one that gives you as a reader a good sense of the emotion without having to have said emotion spoonfed to you. The other one should be a poem you feel conveys the emotion poorly. Little to no use of poetic techniques, failure to communicate anything in a new way, etc. (We see a lot of these on the OP/L, so it shouldn't be difficult to find one.)
Give a link to each one, and we'll discuss what makes the one strong and the other weak.
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