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 Posted: Wed Jun 13, 2007 12:54 am
This is a place for my protege(s) to ask questions and center their training. I will dedicate as much time as I can to ensure you get the best experience possible, but modness comes first.
What I will be teaching you - hopefully - are the arts of analysis and synthesis. By analysis, I mean being able to directly identify an error and point it out to the writer. By synthesis, I mean being able to look at a series of errors and inform the writer what needs improvement overall. These are both highly valuable skills that will take time and patience to develop fully.
I'm the kind of person who's able to spend 30-45 minutes on a single critique without blinking an eye. I certainly do not expect that kind of dedication from you, but that's what I bring to my work.
I believe that every person is entitled to a fair shot at developing their poem. Even if they never come back to read it, edit it, or listen to it, you are still stretching your muscles. No poem is completely irreparable, and I plan to make exercises that prove just that.
Also, keep in mind that 98% of the poetry you will encounter as a critic on Gaia Online will suck. Therefore, the art of critique is one that displays the Suck while showing the path to Not Suck. I put no emphasis on "find one thing that's good;" instead, I prefer "find one thing that the writer can realistically improve with good practice."
Finally, I reserve the right to tell you when you're wrong. xp I will be criticizing your critiques, and if you haven't gotten a crit from me before... well, you might be in for a ride. I promise, though, that I will always live by "attack the work, not the critic."
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Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2007 7:34 am
Hullo my mentor! 4laugh I figure to start off, I might give you a few examples of critiques I gave in my critique thread a while back, to gauge where I am and where I need to go. 3nodding LaverneTerres Slanguage and CigaretiquetteHe said chickadee, 'cause that's what they've been calling me. The chick with the car and her very own language; with rehab for sophistication. You know, I've read this poem three or four times, and every time I said, "I'll get to this when I have time, because I -like- it." Yet I never have. Bad Aehlae.
I like that your language is very modern and clipped here, kindof drives the point of the verse in. I advise putting quotation marks around 'chickadee', because it will draw more attention to it. Not sure I like the 'chick' in the fourth line. Seems redundant. Behind their backs, gang hangers rewrite official business men's term papers, and their leader woman cavorts to the conversation tones. Put your apostrophe after the 's' in mens', because that is the proper plural possessive thingy-bop. It has a name, I'm forgetting it. I'd say replace 'woman' with 'lady' because the alliteration makes it playful to go hand in hand with the 'cavorting' she does.But I still give slang to the new boys, the ones I meet, who offer a smoke ever-why time. I, ever-why time, convince it's too much of a decision to pick a cigarette. ACK! A BUTT at the beginning of a sentence and given CAPITALIZATION! Tsk, tsk. Surely you know better, duckie. Eliminate. The rest is executed in a commendable fashion.He stuck around after his initiation smoke, trying to let this slanguage slip into his fog. Heeeee! I LOVE THIS PART! Perhaps a reference to haze[ing] could be introduced? Quote: Dark Goddess09 I think I could have done better than this. My dreams are never real Only to drift and fade away Anticipation grows thoughout the day Please help me! Bring the fantasy to life When death rears its ugly head I'll pray for one more life to make it right Wasting away upon my death bed Dreams and life dying that fateful night But my days are not numbered It could all be true! I need no genie, my wish will come to life And I'll shine in my purest hue! A lot of poets use words like, 'dreams', 'death', 'dying', etc. They have become trite and unoriginal through overuse, and they don't help you communicate to the reader the anguish you want them to see. They've seen the words so much they mean nothing to the reader any longer. Try looking for different words that also mean what you're trying to say in a thesaurus. It's an unlikely ally in this area to some people. I do, however, like the last two lines with the exception of the capitalization of 'and'. They could be worded better, but they do show promise. I see some lines rhyme, was that intended? If so, I suggest you tighten the rhyme scheme and use more and one-syllable words that rhyme. one syllable: night, right two syllable: render, sender three syllable: remember, september and so on. Scary_Fairy May I be the first? I have a poem, and I'm not too sure about it. "Plastic Poppies" Perhaps, we all had little specks of cellophane wrap [-pings] in our bloodstreams. Not entirely sure of the significance of the bracketing of 'pings', it doesn't seem to have a dual purpose, so I'd say scrap it. Of course, putting shrink in the place of 'pings' in the brackets may bring out the element of random commercial packagings showing up. I like the idea of it.And, Scotch tape stretched into our ear- drums until C-Span would never snap our Ziploc-bag-lids shut again. Zap the 'and' at the beginning of a line. Always a bad thing to do in any circumstance, unless the line break occurs in the midst of a sentence requiring the use of 'and'. Also not liking the hypenation of eardrums there, love. Doesn't really add any artistic element. I also like the idea of dropping 'bag' in the Ziploc lids. I see those little plastic containers instead of Ziploc baggies no matter how I read it. This may be left to your discretion, though.Our lungs were click-click-clacking with the static leftover from windpipe-bound styrofoam-cup-noodles. Yay! Adverse effects of styrofoam! However, I'd like a little more description on how the lungs were affected, not just the causes.And, we sat, with the graphite winds circling us in a mild manner. Another 'and', dear. 'We sat' is just as powerful without it. Graphite winds is quite abstract to me, though I see sediment and sand from stones mixed in with the air as a good substitute to present the idea.The plastic poppies kept us busy. They may have, but I'm still unsure as to what the plastic poppies are. Are they those sweet little ones veterans hand out?
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Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2007 7:54 am
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Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2007 9:29 am
I'm definitely looking forward to working with you. heart I will look over these as soon as I possibly can. It's a busy weekend, what with turning 22 and all. wink
EDIT: In the meanwhile, I'm curious - how do you approach a critique? Do you read the poem once, twice, five times, or just dive in? What do you look for in the piece first?
Also, while I'm thoroughly delighted with your critique threads, I want you to show me an example of a piece that you wanted to critique. By no means am I implying that you didn't want to help anybody in your threads. xd But I kinda want to see something that you simply happened upon in the forum and decided you wanted to look at.
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Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2007 10:07 am
Problem is, it's so rare I critique things when I want to... gonk Occasionally I'll be moved to do so. I'll try to dig one of those up for you.
I generally approach critiquing like this:
I first skim over the piece for simple spelling and grammar errors, then I read the piece a few more times, and notate a few things that stick out in notepad. Then, I go in and section up the poem and try to go over each thing I see that might need strengthening. I rarely go line by line, I try to pull it up in verses and write about everything in that verse.
If it's a short piece I do a general summary of all the points I want to hit in a separate post.
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