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 Posted: Tue Jun 19, 2007 3:33 pm
ANYONE may post their poems here.
ANYONE may critique them.
Metacritique (critiquing the critiques) is allowed as long as it's constructive; we're all here to learn to critique as well.
Post! biggrin
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Posted: Tue Jun 19, 2007 4:26 pm
As I said before (in another thread), kudos to you, Poetess! smile Okay, here's a poem (along with others) that was submitted in my portfolio to my CW college professor. This is the one I'm struggling with the most, and as of today, I've edited this poem 4 times already which doesn't include notes and my list of random phrases/words that helped me write this poem. So, what I need is a fresher perspective because it's not coming out the way I wanted it to be (yes, I'm still disappointed and frustrated with this poem!). crying *sigh* So all the help is welcome! Thanks! Quote: Grandfather in Summertime Chopped from wooden chopsticks, made into toothpicks, you floss your teeth after a meal or after chewing on sugarcane like the farmer and his straw spitting out spit and those dried bitter pieces into a can. For you, time has no meaning. The music of mosquitoes serenade the early evening on the front porch as you doze on the hammock. You sway back and forth with one leg on the cracked gray floor, pedaling-- pedaling a soft thump to my heart. I slowly feel my eyelids sink down along with the sun, while I count the year-like seconds, wanting to go home, to where televisions and microwaves exist. Now it has been a mistake. Why did I ever want to go home? There are no more seashells on the front porch or in the backyard for me to build castles out of. I am only left with your gentle summer smile and the straw cone hat you used as a pillow for naps I know you will never have to take again. Oh, and after all the critiques and comment I get from everyone, I'm going to revise it and post my final draft at my Livejournal!
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Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2007 12:00 pm
ambiguitylotus Quote: Grandfather in Summertime Chopped from wooden chopsticks, The word "chop" here seems redundant. Perhaps you might change the verb here?made into toothpicks, you floss your teeth after a meal or after chewing on sugarcane like the farmer and his straw spitting out spit Here, again, the verb seems a bit redundant. Or perhaps you might change "spit" to something else. and those dried bitter pieces into a can. For you, time has no meaning. The music of mosquitoes serenade the early evening on the front porch as you doze on the hammock. You sway back and forth with one leg on the cracked gray floor, pedaling-- pedaling a soft thump to my heart. I slowly feel my eyelids sink down along with the sun, while I count the year-like seconds, wanting to go home, to where televisions and microwaves exist. (Nice line, here.) Now it has been a mistake. Why did I ever want to go home? There are no more seashells on the front porch or in the backyard for me to build castles out of. I am only left with your gentle summer smile and the straw cone hat you used as a pillow for naps I know you will never have to take again.
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Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2007 5:40 pm
Zeo ambiguitylotus Quote: Grandfather in Summertime Chopped from wooden chopsticks, The word "chop" here seems redundant. Perhaps you might change the verb here?made into toothpicks, you floss your teeth after a meal or after chewing on sugarcane like the farmer and his straw spitting out spit Here, again, the verb seems a bit redundant. Or perhaps you might change "spit" to something else. and those dried bitter pieces into a can. For you, time has no meaning. The music of mosquitoes serenade the early evening on the front porch as you doze on the hammock. You sway back and forth with one leg on the cracked gray floor, pedaling-- pedaling a soft thump to my heart. I slowly feel my eyelids sink down along with the sun, while I count the year-like seconds, wanting to go home, to where televisions and microwaves exist. (Nice line, here.) Now it has been a mistake. Why did I ever want to go home? There are no more seashells on the front porch or in the backyard for me to build castles out of. I am only left with your gentle summer smile and the straw cone hat you used as a pillow for naps I know you will never have to take again. Thanks, Zeo. My prof liked my portfolio overall, but I'd still like to work on this poem some more since it's being a pain in the rear, and it's not coming out the way I want to!! ARGH! The "redundancies" were there on purpose for cultural texture to the poem. However, any suggestions on other words I can change to? I did the same thing like this in another poem, and my prof loved it, but maybe you're right... The "redundancies" may not work in this poem. Help?
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Posted: Fri Jun 22, 2007 4:12 pm
ambiguitylotus So, what I need is a fresher perspective because it's not coming out the way I wanted it to be (yes, I'm still disappointed and frustrated with this poem!). crying *sigh* So all the help is welcome! Thanks! I spent 45 minutes on this yesterday, only to have the library shut down its computers due to some flaw...and lost it. So. I will do my best to redo the critique I was 85% done with yesterday. Also, Poetess Laureate, I hope I'm not stepping on any toes here. If I am, just yell at me. I was in a mood to critique before I got to my mentoring thread, and this one had enough straightforward stuff in it that I jumped on it. Onward! scream --------------------------------------------------- Quote: Grandfather in Summertime Whose grandfather? Yours? You remove some of the emotional possibilities by not saying whose it is. Sure...we can assume it's yours. Is that what you wanted before your readers even get to your poem? For us to assume something about the relationship involved here...or are you writing about a universal grandfather, or someone's grandfather you don't particularly like? (In which case the title might be Your Grandfather, Who Sucks Eggs in Summertime.) xp Quote: Chopped from wooden chopsticks, made into toothpicks, you floss your teeth You begin with imprecision and weakness. No wonder you're having issues with the poem. The title's unemotional and the beginning's unclear. It's unclear whether you're referring to "you" or the unmentioned wood in the beginning here, even though common sense says it's the wood. Also, the phrasing is weak. "Tired from shopping all day, ready to sit down, that chick is really hot!" ( Oh, yeah! Can you feel the energy? Can you? Can you? "Uh...no.") However, that's how you've got your beginning phrased. Redundant. Here's why. How many people do you know floss before a meal? (Yes, there are a few...but really...too few to mention.) Poetry is about getting rid of the unnecessary. (In which case, if I'd been a poem, I wouldn't have ever been conceived to begin with.) xd It's okay if you have a million words in your poem if... all the million words are pulling their weight. Get rid of what does not pull its own weight. Quote: or after chewing on sugarcane like the farmer and his straw spitting out spitand those dried bitter pieces into a can. Here's why all the strike throughs. "out" is redundant. Who spits in? "spit" is repetitive...if you must, use "spittle", though proximity dooms it as well. How about you cut to the chase, which means you don't need "and those", as you're not referring to something else which would be "these". He's spitting something out and you've got it described as "dried". Why? Wouldn't it be soggy, having been in his mouth? (Ew. You're gross.) "pieces" is vague. How about something like "flakes" or "pits" or something which describes what sort of pieces they are? (I'll take liberties here, sorry for the toe-mashing.) like the farmer and his soggy straw spitting bitter refuse into a smelly can. Quote: For you, time has no meaning. I'm reminded of some lame 80's song here, but that's okay. It's not going to be a typical reaction. It's not too bad, and with a rewritten beginning, this could be good enough to continue. We'll see. Quote: The music of mosquitoes serenade the early evening Awkwardly written. A serenade is music. Therefore, you really have: The music of the mosquitoes plays music for the early evening. No thank you. Rework, please. (Merely removing "The music of" works, of course.) Now...do you want the mosquitoes serenading the evening, or serenading the grandfather, or...you as the observer of your grandfather? Quote: on the front porch as you doze on the hammock. Now here you manage Herculean unclarity, because it coud be the music, the mosquitoes, the evening or "you" which is on the front porch...or any combination of them all! lol Is the evening stopping by for a visit, or are you on the porch watching your grandfather who is or is not on the porch? Now, just so you know, it's not really important who's where...however...it's important that it's clear, when you mention location, that what or who is where you want it or them to be. So. Not caring one whit (because it hardly adds to the poem's value) whether this generic grandfather is on the porch or in the yard strung out between trees, please clarify those phrases. Thank you. Quote: You sway back and forth with one leg on the cracked gray floor, "leg" or...perhaps: "foot"? Precision had an appointment with this poem, I'm sure. However, it got bad directions and became lost, evidently. I am your precision navigator, here to facilitate the rendezvous. surprised heart xd "Poem, meet precision. Precision, meet poem." Pleased. (As you will be when the two of them have hung out together for a few stanzas.) Quote: pedaling-- pedaling a soft thump to my heart. Now this...is just fine. I would be sad if you altered it, because it's poetic, clear, and just fine. (Oh, how brief the respite!) heehee (Just so you know, I love poetry, and love critiquing, and hope truly that any sarcasm on my part is understood to be merely part of my psyche, and not intended to be mean in any way whatsoever.) Unnecessary. Here's why. With the construction, it makes it seem as if the awareness of your eyelids' motion was gradual...like..."Hmm. What's this? Hmm. Interesting sensation...it's continuing...wonder what it is....oh! I know! It's my eyelids closing!" Yeah. Right. Redundant. (Why?) What the hell sinks "up"? "down" is understood, because that's where things go when they sink: down! Unnecessary. (Why?) Look at these three sentences. "I'm going with you." "I'm going along with you." "I'm going along together with you." They all mean the same damned thing. However, the first one is clear, and every word pulls its own weight. The next two sentences have extra baggage. This means your phrases have been pared down to: My eyelids sink with the sun, Well, then! lol And that actually flows damned well with the following phrases. while I count the year-like seconds, wanting to go home, to where televisions and microwaves exist. Unnecessary: incorrect usage, actually. Quote: Now it has been a mistake. Now "it's been a mistake" or now "I realize it was a mistake"? I ask because "it" is not really defined. What's the mistake? Just you wanting to go home? Your actual going home? Both the wanting and the going or just one? Unclear, therefore, weak. Quote: Why did I ever want to go home? Yes, you sort of clarify with this question, but you can do so without the question if you phrase the other part differently, more strongly. (I only have a couple minutes left on this computer and don't want to lose a second critique! Therefore, I'll come back tomorrow to finish this.) You've been partially Shatnerized! Take most precious care. Hoodi. cool Edit: BACK! surprised On with the critique! heart Quote: Now it has been a mistake. Why did I ever want to go home? Been there. Done that. Essentially. The question can be removed, and you can merely show your regret through expressing some of the negative things which you're now experiencing, whether they're in your thoughts or embodied in physical misfortunes, as a sort of punishment almost. Quote: There are no more seashells on the front porch
or in the backyard for me to build castles out of. Actually, "more" is more noticeably extra. As for the location aspects: irrelevant to the emotional weight imparted by the imagery itself. By the time I've read "on the front porch or in the backyard", the momentum's been lost. Look: Why did I ever want to go home? There are no seashells for me to build castles out of. How much more powerful, yes? I think so, but then, I'm just Hoodi, and not you nor other readers. Other readers may disagree with me, and some of them here (in this guild), are damned good, so...you're going to have some decisions to make regarding a lot of this poem. Quote: I am only left left only with your gentle summer smile Reversing the words increases precision/strength = good for poetry. Otherwise, "only" modifies "left", not "with your summer smile". See? Precision when writing is crucial. Your professor should have made most of the comments I made, regarding language. If he or she did not, then they've allowed their standards to be eroded. I'm sorry if that's the case. Teachers of language should be stewards of strengthening the language, not facilitators of weakening the language. mad and the straw cone hat you used as a pillow
for naps I know you will never have to take again.This is a good ending, but the "I know" is a bit weak...because it's a little bit unnecessary, unless you're going to add some depth to it, by including acceptance in there somewhere, perhaps. (Yes, the "I know" should indicate the acceptance, but it does so dryly...a bit too dryly. It doesn't have the emotional weight necessary for such a profound circumstance.) Hope I've been of some help. If you have any questions, please ask. Hoodi. You've been totally Shatnerized, now.
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Posted: Sat Jun 23, 2007 12:58 pm
ambiguitylotus The "redundancies" were there on purpose for cultural texture to the poem. However, any suggestions on other words I can change to? I did the same thing like this in another poem, and my prof loved it, but maybe you're right... The "redundancies" may not work in this poem. Help? So...this culture revolves around chopping of some sort? xd The chopsticks alone are enough to give some background, but I suggest using a word which more accurately names the activity. The wood is more likely to have been split or carved, is it not? Chopping is pretty freakin' violent, and would smash the widdle chopsticks into splinters which you could get into your eye. Be careful. confused Repetition in poetry can be effective, but it varies according to context. It's a skill to be learned, like the other tools of poetry.
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Posted: Sat Jun 23, 2007 4:12 pm
Ex Eye of Perfection
Death crosses out Life
from living, breathing reality.
A(s)a outhern wind confuses
Father -- high in his throne,
white dust: clouds --
into thinking It is Earth,
Earth strikes back.
It spits out "Revolting!" flames
from Hell(ike volcanoes).
Love interrupts "Rude!"ly; humanity
is new Life.
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Posted: Sat Jun 23, 2007 6:05 pm
Hoodimann ambiguitylotus The "redundancies" were there on purpose for cultural texture to the poem. However, any suggestions on other words I can change to? I did the same thing like this in another poem, and my prof loved it, but maybe you're right... The "redundancies" may not work in this poem. Help? So...this culture revolves around chopping of some sort? xd The chopsticks alone are enough to give some background, but I suggest using a word which more accurately names the activity. The wood is more likely to have been split or carved, is it not? Chopping is pretty freakin' violent, and would smash the widdle chopsticks into splinters which you could get into your eye. Be careful. confused Repetition in poetry can be effective, but it varies according to context. It's a skill to be learned, like the other tools of poetry. Thanks for the fresh perspective, Hoodi. I finally found what I need. I'm gonna need to copy and paste both of your critiques and print them out so that I can see them better together. blaugh Will edit/revise as soon as I'm free.
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Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2007 10:47 pm
your body is too covered and i can't make your clothes come off
i want to write with felt tip
across your skin.
draw a cross word puzzle with
synonyms for love because
we need a new word to threadbare.
i jump from blankets to pens and
ink is cold but these threads aren't warm
either. be my space heater and i'll
scribble on you - the best way to spread
diseased rumors and my worst wish was to start a
new plague.
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Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2007 5:37 pm
Slapstick Shakespeare your body is too covered and i can't make your clothes come off Aww. The heartbreaking epidemic usually only cured on our nation's college campuses. xp (Hey. This isn't a bout resisting the opportunity for lewd jokes. Is it?) Quote: i want to write with felt tip across your skin. Quote: draw a cross word puzzle with synonyms for love because we need a new word to threadbare. Your use of a period after your first phrase isn't consistent with your actions. You continued a thought, but presented it as if it were all on its own. That's sort of what enjambment's for. Enjambment with punctuation does the trick even more neatly. I like the use of "threadbare" as a verb. Interesting. Gives the proper feel--softly worn, not jaggedly eroded. Coolness. i want to write with felt tip across your skin, draw a crossword puzzle with (etc) "cross" and "word" should be one word, unless what you mean is "an angry word puzzle" etc xd You can get the senses more involved from line one by giving us more detail/s about the pen. Fresh? Fat tip? Fine tip? (The two would have rather different feels, wouldn't they?) Fragrant? (Those markers can be intoxicating! lol) Black? Red? (Red has connotations of danger, right? Right. It also can mean love, of course: romance, roses, hearts, etc.) There are five senses. Use them. (You begin to further on, so yay for you!) Quote: i jump from blankets to pens and ink is cold but these threads aren't warm either. be my space heater and i'll You may have many friends, friend, but enjambment is currently not one of them, and if it is, then it wasn't home when you needed it. You can do this much more effectively, and if you couldn't, guess what. I wouldn't be here typing in the fact that you could. So there. surprised (Since we're not in the main page, I'm not wearing any sissy gloves. Since you're here, I'm assuming you're after some poetic growth which isn't malignant, but not without its own spirit.) cool For starters, you can lose the "and" at the end of the first line and make it a clean end (period), then start with "The ink". OR! You can try something like: i jump from blankets to pens, Hmm...you know, you have "felt-tip" earlier, and you have "pens" here. Please note that "felt-tip" is often before the word "pen", and that by excluding the word earlier, you make it less clear now. Also, it'd be much more...harmonious to say something like "i jumped from blankets to felt-tips" and here's why. You're describing (at least by naming) two types of materials: blankets, which are soft, and felt-tips, which are soft. Much better than going from soft blanket to hard pen which, if we cast back to the reference earlier, we realize has softness about it too! So. I recommend adding the word "pen" to "felt-tip" (Unsure whether felt-tip is hypenated, or if it could even be felt-tipped pen! Sorry!), or at least reusing felt-tip up here instead of just "pen". My opinion, which, last time I checked, wasn't worth much on the NYSE. Oh well. rolleyes Quote: scribble on you - the best way to spread diseased rumors and my worst wish was to start a new plague. You're better off starting "Be my space heater, etc" on its own line. Hmm...I like the ending quite a bit, although I'm perplexed at the sudden turn to disease/plague. Also, that's one helluva repayment for being your space heater. It almost seems as if you're warning this person to stay away from you because you doom those who you get intimate with. (Since when isn't that the case with females? xd xp ) "HEY!" scream (Females boycott teh Hoodi! Damnit!) Just kidding. Anyway, that's my take on it, and I'm sorry for a haphazard critique, but I must run soon. You've been mostly Shatnerized. (I'll answer any questions and clarify any confusion I can about my critique...tomorrow!)
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Posted: Sat Jul 07, 2007 4:55 pm
Slapstick Shakespeare your body is too covered and i can't make your clothes come offi want to write with felt tip across your skin. draw a cross word puzzle with synonyms for love because we need a new word to threadbare. i jump from blankets to pens and ink is cold but these threads aren't warm either. be my space heater and i'll scribble on you - the best way to spread diseased rumors and my worst wish was to start a new plague. i want to write with felt tip across your skin; draw a crossword puzzle with synonyms for love because we need a new word to threadbare. i jump from blankets to fine tips and chisel edge. black licorice is cold but these threads aren't warm either. be my space header and i'll scribble on you - the bast way to spread diseased rumors and my worst wish was to start a new plague. __________________________________________________________ Hoodi, I fluff you. Seriously. You got everything spot on. And if you want to go into problems with females, I could dig up some dirt on the male species that would make people roll in their grave. Thanks for the crit. I tried to edit, at least a little. whee
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Posted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 2:20 pm
Slapstick Shakespeare i want to write with felt tip across your skin; draw a crossword puzzle with synonyms for love because we need a new word to threadbare. i jump from blankets to fine tips and chisel edge. black licorice is cold but these threads aren't warm either. be my space header and i'll scribble on you - the bast way to spread diseased rumors and my worst wish was to start a new plague. Hoodi, I fluff you. Seriously. You got everything spot on. I pray my continued attention upon your poem is not taken in the wrong way. It is done with honor and respect. Quote: And if you want to go into problems with females, I could dig up some dirt on the male species that would make people roll in their grave. There's quite enough bad dancing going on without me provoking subterranean boogies. No thanks. xp Now. About your edited version. Merely a couple of minor things. (When I say they're minor, I am usually referring to typos, which are easily corrected.) 1. bast? 2. chisel or chiseled? The former introduces a new tool: heavy, dense; the latter refers to the type of edge found on some pens. So. It's a precision thing...you know. surprised heart 3. header or heater? Now. The only thing other than these, which should take you less than a minute to either correct or yell at me for, is the following, and it's less minor, but not fatal if you decide that you're not going to change it. Your enjambment for...pretty much the whole damned second verse. eek crying (I'm being so...so...MEAN! sad ) However, I shall explain what may seem cruel attention to detail. i jump from blankets to fine tips and <---weak way to end a line; it leaves the reader hanging in a bad way, rather than stimulating an image which will grow marginally stronger for the microsecond it will take for them to get to the next line...the mind is thinking "and?" "and?" "aaaaaaaand?" There's a lot of ******** mental activity which occurs every waking moment, and when reading poetry, there's a lot which can occur to the reader between each and every line. Therefore, ending your lines weakly adds to the poem's weakness. chisel edge. black licorice is cold but these <----also weak ending, because now the mind is thinking, "these what?" "these what?" "these what?" and by the time we get to the next line and see "threads", we're like, "Oh. Okay. Big whoop." lol There is a more effective way for you to present the words you've chosen for this piece, SS. threads aren't warm either. <----Just for the hell of it, would you try something? When you get this enjambed a bit more strongly, would you try reading the poem with "aren't" as you have it, and then, would you try reading it without the contraction: "are not"? be my space header and i'll scribble on you - the bast way to spread diseased rumors and my worst wish was to start a new plague. I still really like the strength of your ending, but do feel you could present it even more strongly. I'm going to take some liberties here, because that's the kind of b*****d I am. Some people feel that when we get so far into critiquing that we're adjusting someone's poem, that we're actually writing it, but that's not the case, at all. What I am trying to do, to the best of my meager ability, is to show ways which you can present what you've already written in a stronger way. That's not rewriting. That's helping. I hope my words are taken in the spirit intended. With this in mind: i jump from blankets to fine tips and chiseled edges. (I have taken the liberty of having the nouns agree with plurality: if "tips", then "edges"...if "tip", then "edge". But not singular and plural mixed. That's weaker. Doesn't matter which you use, as long as they agree. If I'm wrong in this, I expect someone else with more accurate knowledge to put me in my place. Thanks.) black licorice is cold but these threads aren't warm either. (Here, you could rephrase a bit, like so: but these threads are hardly warm. or: but these threads are colder. or: but these threads are icebound. that sort of stuff Just a thought which came as I went over this.) Here, either: be my space header and i'll scribble on you - or: be my space heater (assumes "header" was typo unless you correct me) and i'll scribble on you - the best way to spread diseased rumors (likewise with "bast") and my worst wish was to start a new plague. I've changed the enjambment dramatically, yes. I hope I've not been overly intrusive, and that I have been of some assistance. I look forward to your response, even if it tears me a new one. xd Take most precious care. Hoodi. (Hopes my latest post is reason for more fluffage from the Slapstickness that is Shakespearean.) confused
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Posted: Sat Jul 14, 2007 1:07 pm
Hoodimann I pray my continued attention upon your poem is not taken in the wrong way. It is done with honor and respect. Not at all. This kind of thing is why I'm here.1. bast? Best.2. chisel or chiseled? Chiseled. 3. header or heater? Heater. whee (I'm being so...so...MEAN! sad ) Are not.However, I shall explain what may seem cruel attention to detail. I like cruel attention to detail.weak way to end a line; it leaves the reader hanging in a bad way, rather than stimulating an image which will grow marginally stronger for the microsecond it will take for them to get to the next line...the mind is thinking "and?" "and?" "aaaaaaaand?" There's a lot of ******** mental activity which occurs every waking moment, and when reading poetry, there's a lot which can occur to the reader between each and every line. Therefore, ending your lines weakly adds to the poem's weakness. I see what you mean, but I also am not too hot on starting a line with 'and' either. What can I dooo?chisel edge. black licorice is cold but these <----also weak ending, because now the mind is thinking, "these what?" "these what?" "these what?" and by the time we get to the next line and see "threads", we're like, "Oh. Okay. Big whoop." lol There is a more effective way for you to present the words you've chosen for this piece, SS. Back to the drawing board. ...I need to get myself a drawing board so I stop killing trees. emo threads aren't warm either. <----Just for the hell of it, would you try something? When you get this enjambed a bit more strongly, would you try reading the poem with "aren't" as you have it, and then, would you try reading it without the contraction: "are not"? Sure. be my space header and i'll scribble on you - the bast way to spread diseased rumors and my worst wish was to start a new plague. I still really like the strength of your ending, but do feel you could present it even more strongly. Do you have dreams of becoming a body builder?I'm going to take some liberties here, because that's the kind of b*****d I am. What I am trying to do, to the best of my meager ability, is to show ways which you can present what you've already written in a stronger way. That's not rewriting. That's helping. I hope my words are taken in the spirit intended. I always take critques with that spirt intended. You know when someone's rewriting it, and you know when someone is helping.i jump from blankets to fine tips and chiseled edges. (I have taken the liberty of having the nouns agree with plurality: if "tips", then "edges"...if "tip", then "edge". But not singular and plural mixed. That makes sense. That's weaker. Doesn't matter which you use, as long as they agree. If I'm wrong in this, I expect someone else with more accurate knowledge to put me in my place. Thanks.) black licorice is cold but these threads aren't warm either. (Here, you could rephrase a bit, like so: but these threads are hardly warm. or: but these threads are colder. or: but these threads are icebound. that sort of stuff Just a thought which came as I went over this.) Operation Rephrasement go!be my space header and i'll scribble on you - or: be my space heater (assumes "header" was typo unless you correct me) and i'll scribble on you - the best way to spread diseased rumors (likewise with "bast") and my worst wish was to start a new plague. I like this way better.I look forward to your response, even if it tears me a new one. xd I'm starting to think I'm uncapable of tearing someone a new one. I couldn't even yell at the guy at Comcast because he made a joke about Paris Hilton.. You have nothing to fear.(Hopes my latest post is reason for more fluffage from the Slapstickness that is Shakespearean.) Of course. heart
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Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2007 6:29 am
hi people of the guild.....after deliberating on which poem i should submit first for critiques, the following was decided to be the most in need wink
oh and for those who are wondereing, i date all of my poems....teh titles are the date and a title on the subject of or relating to the poem...
11/9-15/06 – Heaven and Hell, Revived and Destroyed
Heaven,
A perfect utopia of dreams,
A flourishing land of happiness,
A brightened land of prosperity and joy.
Hell,
A darkened place for the desolate,
An evil place of perdition,
A fiery place of heated passion,
A punishing place of submission.
These two places,
So hidden from open view,
Are sought by many,
And rejected by many more.
Slipped from view,
The utopia has,
And the same for the unholy grounds,
Disappeared into the void of infinity,
The subconscious mind,
Only to be called forth,
When not requested but needed none the less,
To enforce and reinforce the lessons,
Too benign and bright to be shone in their true light,
In brilliant robes and gowns,
Singing a chorus of joyous creation.
Or darkness yet,
In deepened shades of black and red,
The colors of unholy strength,
And the philosophy of hate and loathing,
Braying and screeching a chorus of pain and suffering.
But both represent an eternal necessity,
A base difference that balances the universe,
A pair of forces that preside of all,
And hold the life of all in their palms.
Think about this,
At one point or another,
Do we all with a fervor,
On this unending debate of supremacy,
And all too much for our good.
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Posted: Mon Jul 16, 2007 11:17 am
Slapstick Shakespeare I'm starting to think I'm uincapable of tearing someone a new one. I couldn't even yell at the guy at Comcast because he made a joke about Paris Hilton.. You have nothing to fear. Why on earth would you feel the need to yell at someone who made a joke about a seemingly anorexic, attempting to personify trailer-trash, skank? xp domokun
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