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Six-Year-Old Immortal

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Cherished Strawberries

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 03, 2007 2:34 pm


I first met my father when I was six years old. He was young and handsome, but his eyes were sad. When I saw him, I felt his pain, and I wanted to share it. He came to visit me every night, and we talked about things I had never thought about before. He taught me what the world was really like. He didn't make things nice, like my mother. He told me the way things were and didn't hide things from me.

The third night he came, I knew what he was. I told him, and he smiled at me. He was proud because I had figured it out on my own, without any help. He showed me what he could do, and he told me about himself. He told which legends were true, and which ones he and his kind had made to protect themselves. When he bit me that first time, I was ready. I felt him take only a little blood. And then he was gone.

He came back the next night, and I knew what he wanted. He couldn't stay away from me, because I was his little girl. He would never give me up. Not ever. So when he asked me if I would willingly give up my life for him and become like him, if I would choose to live forever, I said yes. So he changed me, right there in my bedroom under the full moon.

He taught me lots of things that first night: how to change my shape, how to choose my meals, where I was safe. He took me away from my mother and showed me his home. He lived far away, in a village where no one would suspect him. But in the morning, that changed. A loud knock on the door woke me. The bright light filtered through the windows and let me see that my father wasn't there. I could hear low voices from the first floor. I crept to the top of the stairs and peered down at the men gathered there. My father kept them from entering the house. He said they had no right.

But they said something that made him angry...or afraid. They said that they knew what he was, that they had come to take back the little girl he had "stolen." They threw something at him...garlic, I think...and he tossed it away. He was very angry, but when the rest of the mob that had gathered outside came in to fight him, all armed with silver and crosses and wooden stakes, I knew he wouldn't live. Just before he was lost in the crowd, he looked at me, and I knew what he wanted to say. He would have given up his life of pain and anguish long ago, except that he wanted to see me first, to know me. He could go on to the Other World and be at peace. But he would not let them take me from him. So I ran.

I wouldn't give up the chance that my father had given me. I locked myself away in an old house where no one lived anymore. I began to read the books that were left there. I read them more and more, until I didn't do anything else. Instead of human blood, I drank the blood of animals, mostly birds. My books became my life. I wanted nothing to do with the human world. So I collected every book I could find and read them all. No one disturbed me, so I disturbed no one.

One day, though, someone came into my house. More than one person, actually. A lot of people, all wearing armor and holding drawn guns. They came up to the room I was in, with one businesswoman in their midst. For a long time, we just looked at each other. Finally, I got bored and went back to the book I was reading. I told them to go away, but they didn't. Despite the men's protesting, the woman came forward and spoke to me. She told me that she ran an organization that was dedicated to keeping people safe from those immortals that chose to prey on humans. She wanted to know if I had ever harmed a human, and I said no. She believed me, trusted me, and offered me a deal. If I gave up the secrets of vampires she would make sure that I would be safe.

You're thinking that I told her. But I didn't. I couldn't betray those who shared my curse, even if they did prey on the defenseless. I told her that. Besides, I didn't even know all of their secrets. My father had been killed before he told. The woman respected my desicion, and she said that I wouldn't be bothered again. She warned me, though, that I would be watched. If I did anything against a human, she would come back to kill me.

Two hundred years have passed, and I have not been bothered. I keep to myself, and I hold the humans to their word. They have not harmed me, but I cannot trust them. They killed my father. I could destroy them, but I am not a foolish girl. I have had two centuries to get revenge, and I have done nothing. The balance between my two sides, the one that craves for revenge and the one that fears it, are on a delicate balance. But who knows? Maybe someone will tip the scales. Maybe. I doubt it. Just in case, be nice to little girls and their fathers. You never know what might happen.

The End


I know it isn't very good, but please give me some feedback. I'm always open for improvement.
PostPosted: Thu Jul 05, 2007 7:37 am


It was alright ... but I guess I didn't like it much because I do not like short stories. Also, there was no direct conflict to the main character. A conversation yes, but no arguing or fighting. You could easily turn this into a story if you wanted. Also, though the narrator is young, don't use "lots". You should use proper grammar and spelling no matter what. But it was alright altogether.

((Sorry if my report seems a little weird or badly written; I'm tired, okay?))

Domerin Thompson


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 05, 2007 9:12 am


I'm not usually a fan of vampire stories, unless they are exceptionally good. This was lacking in plot, and I felt as if I were reading the backstory of a Mary Sue from a roleplay. The writing was nice - it flowed very well, and there wasn't really a spot where I felt like you were tripping over yourself. You just need to work on plot and detail a little bit.
PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 2:48 pm


I actually didn't intend to make this a good story. In fact, i hate writing short stories. I just had the picture of very young vampire all on her own in my head for the longest time, so I had to write down something about it. So there really wasn't any plot throughout the whole story, at least, none that I made consciously. As for the "lots" bit, I apologize; it never occurred to me that it wasn't proper grammar, since everyone around me always said it and I never really thought about it.

((Sorry if I spelled consciously wrong; I never knew how to spell it, and my peers are idiots.))

Cherished Strawberries

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Domerin Thompson

PostPosted: Fri Jul 13, 2007 11:00 am


Yea "a lot" is (in this sense) an adjective like "many" and since it is plural by its very nature you do not add "s" to the end. Logical, right?
PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2007 2:19 pm


Very logical. I'm going to go back and change that.

Cherished Strawberries

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Marael

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 8:19 pm


Hm, well I like it, but then again, I am a fan of vampire stories as well. The best thing about first person is putting in their thoughts and tone as they look back and tell you the story. I thought that there were a few places you could improve, like I'd like to hear more about the organization you mentioned. Just a few details and such about where she went, maybe.

Overall, it's a great start, and has quite a bit of promise, and I really like the beginning!!
PostPosted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 3:55 pm


Just so it's clear with everyone, I didn't try to make this very good. I got lazy. I had no intention of ever making this more than a very short story. Otherwise it would get too long and I'd never finish.

Cherished Strawberries

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