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The Sea's Pull

Me and my Shaddow

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Posted: Mon Jul 30, 2007 11:03 pm

Note: I appreciate critisim but please know i wrote this free style with no rythm intended.
I wrote it the way our conscience thinks.

The Sea's Pull

The Sea’s Pull
Swim away, far, far away!
Let your senses taste the salty air of the sea.
Let your brow feel the sweat of hoisting the sails that lead to freedom to the open seas and a different life that only few dare to dream.

Let the eyes behold the wander of a clear night time sky where one can see how big the earth really is.
As the waves swarm around the only thing keeping the fisherman safe- let your eyes look up at the stars and see how big the Milky Way is.

One of the true last frontiers and something that will never be fully tamed no matter what man will try to do.
We pillage and attack, yet the sea fights back.
Can we say that of ourselves?

The sea- swim out to sea- it’s free!
“Free from what?” The sailor thinks.
The landsman says- the sea is an escape…
The sailor quietly repeats- “an escape to death.” Both co-inside into a reality of fact and fiction that few dare to explore, and none find the answer.

Nichole B.
7/29/07

Posted: Tue Jul 31, 2007 7:18 pm

Hm...not bad... although you may consider breaking up your lines a bit so that the important bits are separated and whatnot...

Marael

Quotable Conversationalist

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calimaran
Crew

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Posted: Sun Aug 05, 2007 7:45 am

'Let the eyes behold the wander (?) of a clear night time sky where one can see how big the earth really is.
... let your eyes look up at the stars and see how big the Milky Way is."

Try using different language here. The images are great, but using the same format for both gets tiring and detracts from your message.

"We pillage and attack, yet the sea fights back.
Can we say that of ourselves?" I think some people can. Even though it's got nice rythm and fits in nicely, I would question the truth of this statement and therefor it's inclusion.

"The sea- swim out to sea- it’s free! Good-I like the continued "freedom" theme .
“Free from what?” The sailor thinks. question Why?
The landsman says- the sea is an escape… okay...
The sailor quietly repeats- “an escape to death.” (Confusing) Both co-inside (What?) into a reality of fact and fiction that few dare to explore, and none find the answer. Odd ending. Interesting certainly, but...huh...

Overall: Nice poem. It does convey your thoughts well.

Posted: Wed Aug 08, 2007 4:49 pm

Usually I wouldn't critique a piece like this....but I saw the end you put your name....and I had to say that I spell my name the same was you do as well! ^_^ It's so rare for me to see that.....I'm strangely attached to that H in my name. Anyways, onto the critique.

The Sea's Pull

The Sea’s Pull
Swim away, far, far away!
Let your senses taste the salty air of the sea.
Let your brow feel the sweat of hoisting the sails that lead to freedom to the open seas and a different life that only few dare to dream.
(I loved this first verse, although I would have split up the last line after the word 'freedom', just to add more emphasis.)

Let the eyes behold the wander of a clear night time sky where one can see how big the earth really is.
As the waves swarm around the only thing keeping the fisherman safe- let your eyes look up at the stars and see how big the Milky Way is.
(In the first stanza you use the pronoun 'you' but not you just use a definite "the". To keep the pattern, it should be "your eyes". Yes I know you don't have a pattern, but there should be some form of flow within the piece, especially since you use "you" again in the 2nd line. It should also be 'wonder' and not 'wander' in the 2nd line of this stanza. In this same line, I would use 'truly' instead of 'really', again, just for emphasis.)

One of the true last frontiers and something that will never be fully tamed no matter what man will try to do.
We pillage and attack, yet the sea fights back.
Can we say that of ourselves?
(At the end of the first line, I would change 'will try to do' to 'tries to do'. I love the rest of this stanza.}

The sea- swim out to sea- it’s free!
“Free from what?” The sailor thinks.
The landsman says- the sea is an escape…
The sailor quietly repeats- “an escape to death.” Both co-inside into a reality of fact and fiction that few dare to explore, and none find the answer.
(In the last line, you wrote "co-inside" when it's supposed to be "coincide". Again, I love the rest of this stanza.)

Nichole B.
7/29/07

Overall, I sdid enjoy this. There was passion in it, which I loved. I definitely felt a pull there. I read Calimaran's critique and there's only one thing I would argue with him over. When he said that he would question the truth of the statement: "Can we say that of ourselves?" in reference to the sea fighting back....I think that doesn't really matter. I know what you meant here. I think it was more of a: "Yes, people fight back, but some people give in and take what fate hands to them. The sea would never bow down to any fate." Anyways, good job.

Imaginary Illusion

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