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For the past year/2 years I’ve been struggling. Clinging on to a strand of hope. I've broken hearts based on this strand of hope. It's caused much aggravation. Attempts at suicide, alcohol binges for the sole basis of numbing my heart and my brain. Almost losing life long friends and many Internet friends as well. And it was all for the sake of LOVE.

I clung onto this “love" didn’t want to let t shake my grasp off of its tiny little neck. Until the day I saw it die. The day I cared too much. The day I loved too much the day I breathed too much. The day I didn’t distance my self enough. Or be a complete douche bag like "HE" was.

This is the day where I can safely say if I shot myself in the head and died I wouldn’t care. I'm at the end of my rope. My life dwindling like that of small candles last flickers before the wick finally is finally blown out by the harsh winds that encapsulate my almost empty heart.

Never did I think I would ever hear that someone was scared of me. Because I was far too jealous. Or because I got angry when someone disrespected the person that I love. Apparently I am supposed to just laugh it off. Because she's already "taken care of it,” I really don't agree with this. Personally I think one should always share their emotions even if it is over something you’d rather keep bottled up. I believe I should offer assistance when I see or feel someone might need it. Its how I was raised its what every book I've ever read, every movie I've ever seen has showed us. The need for help is not a weakness. I think it’s a virtue a virtue many just don’t have in this day and age. Mostly because we've become far too prideful in these dark, sad times. We’ve all become the no directions asking father on the high roads of life and pseudo self-importance.

But I regress. I am at wits end. My heart no longer drips blood it spews tar. I am told that I have written my own self-fulfilling prophecy. I believe my destiny was pre-ordained in this matter of the heart. I was damned form the moment she didn’t only have eyes for me. I was damned form the moment we exchanged the word " I love you" when I knew she had a significant other. I knew I was fighting a losing battle yet I continued on through the marshes. Continued on in hopes that maybe just maybe I would be the one. That I could be the one she would eventually decide she wanted.

But alas that was not the case. Instead I received what one can only feel was a very long good-bye perhaps the first day of a very long goodbye. I can safely say that I will always love this person. When they are older and matured and successful and marrying off to their prospective husbands, I will still love this person as I did when my heart first opened up to her. The fames of my heart will not wither. But I realize that for this person they may have withered long ago and were just replaced with a sketch of a softly roaring flame cut out form a dream lives magazine and put there to replace or cast the illusion that Love was there and striving. I cannot really say for sure.


One thing I do know is fear dos not equal love. Fear breeds hate and contempt.
I guess only time can tell what’s in store for me. But I guarantee I shall not be looking at life in such a cheerful disposition this is the night I lose all hope and stop living. To night is the night where if I wake I will be a miracle considering the amount of pills, alcohol and self-abuse I have inflicted upon myself. This is the night I dine on my empty heart and wash it down with despair and disillusionment.

This is the night I choose to close my heart. The night I saw hope die.