|
|
|
It's times like today, when I think about my past...
There were so many things I wish I had said. So many people I wish I had known. So many things I could have done....Should have done...
When I was younger, I was tormented relentlessly. Not physically but mentally, by the children in my elementary school and middle school. I was teased because I was considered ugly and stupid.
At this time, I tried with all my being to conform to the popular kids, trying to wear the same clothing, talk the same, act the same...But I just couldn't.
This never really bothered me, because I had my two best friends at the time, Kayla and Sam. They hung out with me at recess. It was fun, I had someone to talk to. When they graduated to Middle school I found someone else to hang with, Anopther girl named Kayla and a girl in my class. It was fun, but they didn't like each other and they stopped hanging out with me.
After i graduated, I went ot Middle School. While there I tried to act differently, be myself, but it didn't work as well as I hoped, I was teased and my luck was against me as my locker was between two boys who, well, basically hated my guts.
It was in my classes that I found my first new friend Cesilcally, opkay so I can't spell her name, but anyways, we became friends. That's when the first tragidty of my life hit.
My parents had started fighting long before I went to Middle School, hell the school counsler talked to me all the time about divorce and had me take time with her and a girl my age who had two divorced parents. How sad is that?
Anyways, that's when my parents started to really dish it out. Fighting everyday. And then my grades started to slip. I'm not the smartest person in math and I happen to be alittle lazy, so they went down fast. My teachers took an intrest in my life. That was all I needed, to be a sympathy case. I started getting detentions with my teachers all the time. But it gave me time to do my homework and talk to my teachers, especially Mrs. Lindstrand. I stayed with her almost everyday and cleaned her classroom(that's her detention, you clean) I talked all the time. About friends(that were almost non-exsistant) and family.
Then the tormenting mounted to a dangerously high level in 7th grade. Everyone always told me it was the hardest grade. And it truly was. I didn't fit in anywhere. I made new friends, but they were all headcases and mostly were my friends because I had money to but lunch everyday.
It was at this time that...I became very...disturbed is probably the right word for it. I went to class on auto-pilot and barely talked to anyone in my classes that I didn't have "Friends" in. When I did, everything seemed to come out wrong. I started to cry everyday and had to stay in the school counsler's office most of the period.
I could barely stand it. I thought about death almost everyday. I thought about the best way to do it. Cut my wrists? Too slow and painful. Drowning? I wouldn't be able to stay under. Knife through my chest? Too painful. I finally decided on slitting my throat. I never did it though, never even tried. I was too afraid, I didn't want to leave my family behind to mourn.
I guess I would consider myself a coward for not going through with it, but I know it was because I found an angel. Well too of them. My very best friend Amana saved me from my misery. I met her in art club and came every week just to talk to her.
She and Danny saved my life in a way they probably don't know. I was ready to never come to school again, just play hookie in the bathroom or runaway from the school. But they saved me.
After that horrible year, I changed, I became more happy, I even smiled more. I tried my hardest to ignore the whispered comments and everything. it wasn't until Tyler and this other stupid kid kept taking my things that I snapped, I bitched him out, right in front of the entire class, threatening him and scratching dowdn his arms with my nails. I have long nails.
He didn't stop though but I got in trouble for cussing. Me, get in trouble for cussing, and yet he was the one taking my things. OH well,
It wasn't until highschool that I found I actually had a personality other than anger, it was also when I stopped letting the comments affect me, I started writing and drawing. I got pretty good too. I hung out with the teachers, but was able to find friends. who are still my friends today. Syl and Julia. And chris. I was able to take everything in and not forget anything like I used to do. I used to block out the painful memories na dinturn block out the happy ones too.
Second year of highschool I only broke down once because of one stupid kid but I changed again to be happy. It was only after that, that my random bouts of depressiong(like today) started to happen. I would be extremely happy one minute and extremely said and down on myself the next.
And I would start to think about the past and all I could have said, done, and learned.
Shadows Cast · Wed Jun 13, 2007 @ 10:37pm · 2 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|