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We hide behind masks...
That line of my poem, Found Out, if ringing in my head. I don't know if I should act all happy and cheery like I do in person or not. I probably will. I'll change a few things and try to be my mask.
How do you look at me, I'm slowly drowning?
That's lyrics from the song I'm listening, Narcolepsy by Third Eye Blind. At least, that's what I think the lyrics are. At first, I thought the lyrics were "How can I feel if I'm slowly drowning?" I liked those more but I can't choose what goes in the songs, just what I listen to.
I'm really sad about this. It's extremely disheartening when people say that but more so when they write it. I can't tell if someone's lying when they are talking but I can when they write it. That is, unless they edit it or if they withdraw their emotions when their writing. It's making em depressed again. I know, "what a crybaby. She can't even take a few harsh words. Boohoo, b***h. No one gives a damn."
I'm beginning to think that's true but, in my heart, I know it's not. Well, not completely. I'm seriously thinking about taking this off private so other people can see how I really feel. On the other hand, I don't want people asking me these questions:
"Why do you let yourself feel like that?"
"Why cant you stop?"
"Stop thinking about all those what ifs!!"
Or, my favorite, "Why do you let yourself think like that?"
I've heard that last one twice within the last few days when I told two people newly added into my confidence one of my secrets. The thing is, I can't stop myself. I've been locking up all these emotions for the past few years and only a few I can get into my poetry. That's my only release, besides my boyfriend. He makes me laugh but he's not here. He'll be back tomorrow and I don't want to worry him like before. I was suicidal earlier this summer, also.
It's so cold in this room. The air vents right next to me. I'm not moving because I need this. I feel that I need to take it upon myself to punish myself for these horrid thoughts. Do, I open the air vent and let the brunt of it hit me. For now, that'll do. I'm going to erase most of this entry so I can post it for the world to see. Hopefully, I shall post tomorrow, also.
Until then,
Sirem
[Slightly] · Mon Jun 18, 2007 @ 04:16am · 0 Comments |
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