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I feel like my world is fading and I'm just viewing the real world for the first time. I feel like I can't trust anyone. I find out that everyone whom I've trusted in the past have all been lying to me. It's like my whole life's built on a pile of lies. I flap my wings, but I don't fly. I just want to be different from the average Joe. People don't understand. Society thinks that they have the upper hand in everything. I think they all need to get a grip.
I cried for the first time since Ginger died last night as I laid in bed. Cried for everything that's happened, for Ginger, for.........everything. It feels like my life's been crammed into a garbage diposal since I got back from that trip to D.C. with a class of mine. My grades have slipped worse than ever before, and my parents say that if I bring home an F, then I can't go camping this summer, and they'll make me spend that week at the most boring place to waste my life at- my grandparents' house. I mean, it's bad enough when you're abandoned there over the weekend, but for a whole week?! Plus, my grandpa goggles at my chest every chance he gets. If he can't look at my chest, then he finds a way to look at my a**. I told my parents, but they basically tell me I have to grin and bear it.
My weekend was okay. Went to a friend's birthday slumber party. We watched horror movies and talked about spirits and junk.
My boyfriend and I shared our one year anniversary on May 7th. We couldn't do anything for it because we had two school plays to do and then a cast party. His birthday's this Friday, and I really hope he likes his present. I would say what it is, but he reads this, and he'd find out.
Anyway, I got this cool skirt in art today. I know that's odd, but we're doing an end-of-the-year fashion project where we make clothes and compete for who's is better. I sit at a table with two fraturnal twins. One says she was raped by her ex-boyfriend, but I know her ex-boyfriend, and I don't think he actually did it. I believed her in the beginning, but I guess I don't anymore. The other twin is nice. The 'raped' one treats me like s**t a lot, and it's really awkward. I really want to lay into them both because sometimes the 'nice' one tries to defend the 'raped' one, but I really don't want to argue. Arguing with people pisses me off more than I need to be. So I just sit there and shut up.
I've been closing myself to anyone and everyone lately. I mean, when my boyfriend gives me a hug, I just go oddly numb, and it's like he's not there. I don't know why I feel that way. I don't talk to as many people, even though I've been inevitably making friends without noticing. My old friends are fading slowly away, and I can't seem to bring them back.