|
1o.15.o7
I haven't really kept an online journal due to the fact that people use them, not to read more about me, or to see how i'm feeling, but rather as an instrument to hurt my feelings. But I think I'm going to try once more. Only for myself <3
As of late, I've been scurrying around Gaia looking for a good home to settle in. I think I found a place but I'll keep that a secret till the time comes. I really don't know what I can do to make myself not feel this way, but I feel that I'm becoming more depressed as the week draws on. I have tried doing things that I loved normally doing, but it seems that my emotions have taken it's toll on my body. Last night, I had my very first panic attack, in months. I was scared but I didn't want to tell anyone at home, because it was the usual response. "So?" It's rather discomforting and I think I know the real cause.
A couple nights ago. I think last Saturday, not the one that just passed but the week before, I was talking to Lauren and Jonathan about what had really happened to Ruben and I and a close friend. Well it was still a tragic past to unfold, since it happened only last year. It was a time when I was most dejected and rejected and neglected. (Wow all the lected...) But it was at this time, I need him to redeem himself to me as my friend, and he let me down along with my "best friend." I was crushed and scarred beyond words. I didn't know how to feel and I became numb. Digging and dwelling on that event, I couldn't keep a straight face no matter how hard I tried. The tears that were so hot kept leaking, no matter how hard i squeezed my fist to surpress them. My eyes were clenched tight so hard that when I opened them I could see colors shooting out of my array of vision. You would think after seeing someone in this much pain, they would stop trying to pry into my painful life. But they dug deeper, asking me more questions, and not once did them come over to hug me, or comfort me. sigh...I guess I was being to selfish. You think that after this, they claiming that things would be alright, that I have found my friends...well the next day I got a call from Jonathan and Lauren saying that Ruben was with them and that they were hanging out...It crushed me to the depths. I was already knocking on shadow's door. I fell through with no more resistance, I was beyond shocked and most of all disappointed. I didn't know what to say or do at this point. I can't look at them straight in the face any longer. I feel so used and stripped bare naked for the world to see. How can I face life now, knowing I have shamed my life. Again I trusted and for that I paid a valuable price. My health. So I don't know why I was so surprised when I had a panic attack, but I guess I thought I had built enough strength to fight it.
It brought me back to a memory of reading Lexi's journal on Darren...it made me sad that day. For my junior writing paper on Process and Instruction. I decided to write on Lexi's story, on Darren's story, on my story on Panic Disorder. It is something serious and most people don't realize to the extent to which it is vital. I don't intend on getting an A but I would like to educate myself further on what tolls my body is taking and how I can possibly try (on my own) to stop it. I resorted to drugs, therapy, friends...but they seem to make my situation worse. So I'm going to rely on me, myself, and I. Build and draw on my strengths alone. Yes I am bitter, but if you were me and you were tossed like rags, you would be too. The anger I have stored in me, I want to slowly release them one by one, and pray that one day, that frightened and abused child, so innocent and scared, would one day smile for me inside. Really know for once, what it means to find home. My home. My sanity. And my peace.
Gawd I hate this so much. >.<
|
