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Fate/Bar Fight - Chapter 1 |
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Once upon a time there was a black mage called Kei. She lived alone in a giant mansion and drank expensive tea. She was chosen to participate in a great contest made by the Final Fantasy Wankers of America. Their leader was a priest called Father Beegen McGarry Beegsterino, and he was in charge of the contest. The contest pitted seven final fantasy mages against each other, but there was a catch. It gave them the ability to summon one weapon or person that would guarantee them victory against the other six. Father Beegsterino was also a crazy Italian who held crazy coke and sex parties in his basement that no one knew about, but that’s another story.
Now Kei was called by Beegan McGarry (as he will be known from now on), and was told she would participate in the great contest. The winner will be able to use the Tri-Force, which will summon a great black genie called “Nigraladdin” and give the victor three wishes, as long as it involved chicken and 9mm guns. For example, if you wished for a million dollars, Nigraladdin would grant a million dollars worth of fried chicken. And if you wished for world peace, Nigraladdin would give everyone in the world gats, so no one would think of ******** with someone else cuz everyone would have the exact same piece, ********!
Kei said to herself “instead of summoning a guy, I could summon a weapon that would be stronger than anything ever!” So Kei decided to summon the keyblade, because it was the most powerful weapon and can open the door to the room with WMD’s in her giant mansion. She went to make a summoning circle and did the whole chant, then hummed a Disney tune. Everything started to glow red, and the summoning started. But nothing happened. Then she heard an explosion from her mansion, like a meteor of greatness crashed into it. She ran back to her mansion and saw that meteor of greatness sitting on her couch. It was Tom Quinn. Tom Quinn said “Wow, ur bad at summoning srsly. I landed like half a mile from the circle.” Kei stood angry at the guy.
Tom Quinn said “I need some coffee.” Kei responded, “I don’t have any here. I only have tea.” Tom Quinn said “I need some coffee, I’m going out to get some.” Kei was really angry, “Grrr, this guy’s a jerk!” she thought. “Fine I’ll go with you,” she said. The two left to get some coffee.
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Meanwhile, at the bar “Cheerioz” (z for style), there was a guy in the back stool sitting next to another dude. The guy was holding his hands out on the bar table. The other dude looked at him, “Yo Vik, hurry up man I need a drink.” The guy said, “yo shutup Andrew ur bad at WoW, lemme concentrate. Appletinis are gay anyway why do u like them?” Andrew said, “Wow stfu b***h and make it now.” So Vik summoned an appletini and gave it to Andrew. “So all you can do is make mixed drinks with your power?” he said. Vik replied, “Yea, it sucks. I wish I could use Fira and kill that dude over there.” He pointed to a really gay guy on the other side of the bar. The guy had a crowd of lesbos behind him. “Yea, that guy sucks,” Andrew said.
You see, Vik was a summoner or red mage or something, even he doesn’t know. All he can do is make mixed drinks or make beer more alcoholic, and usually he messes up. Like one time he was making a glass of red wine for a customer and it turned out to be moonshine. The guy died. His bad rap caused many of the bar’s customers to not go to him for their drinks. However, Andrew is his long-time friend from the bar who usually goes to him for his drinks. He orders appletinis, which Vik practiced and got good at, so he doesn’t mess up as much.
Now the gay guy came over to Vik and said, “Hey Vik, how are you my sexy thing?” Instead of saying “******** you b***h I’ll curb-stomp you”, as normal people say to gay men, the pathetically nice Vik instead said “I’m good thanks, you want something?” “Yes. I need 50 cosmopolitans made for a party tomorrow, think you can work overtime and do it? I’ll pay you later.” Again, pathetically nice Vik said, “Sure, I’ll get them ready by tomorrow.” The gay guy said, “Thanks, I’ll see you later then, sugarlips.” As the gay kid left, a girl came up to Vik and started going crazy for no reason. It was Claire. Then she said “Wow why do you let Stalker talk to you like that?” Vik said, “Idk, I’m just too nice I guess.” Claire said, “Well you shouldn’t be so nice, he’s a d**k, he thinks he’s in charge of the bar even though he gets all his lesbos from the gay bar next door. Well, cya.”
Claire left. Andrew went home and Vik starting summoning the cosmopolitans during the off-hours of the night. When he was done he started to head home, and he heard some loud yelling and slurred voices. He went down the back alley of the bar and couldn’t believe what he saw. It was two drunk people yelling really loud and fighting each other with beer bottles and pool sticks. The one guy who sounded Irish was really good with the pool stick. The other dude fought with two beer bottles and fended off the drunk Irishman’s pool stick attacks. From the background he heard a female voice, “I told you that wasn’t coffee you idiot! Wow ur dumb!!” As Vik was watching the fight, the Irishman noticed him. He spoke slurred unintelligible Irish that no normal person could understand, and started to chase after Vik, Vik ran off really fast into the bar and hid in the back kitchen. He wasn’t out of the clear as the Irishman found him. He said “Yee Tinksh you coldsh git awee!? Eee gunsh keel joosh fur sheeing ush fight.” And he stabbed Vik in the heart with a pool cue.
After he left, Kei ran up to Vik and saw him dying, She used her secret white mage technique to revive him, and she and Tom Quinn ran off. Vik woke up alive, and ran home to his Japanese house. When he got home he realized his wallet and keys were stolen. Realizing the crazy Irishman took it, he knew that the drunk b*****d would go to his house and rob it, then proceed to beat the s**t out of him again. As he got up to prepare himself, the Irishman rolled in and broke his window. He got up and stumbled with his pool cue and whacked Vik a couple of times. Vik was cornered, but he saw a bottle of Budweiser on the ground. He turned it into a bottle of Guiness and threw it at the Irishman, who ran for the bottle to drink it. While he was distracted, Vik jumped out the window and ran to his secret alcoholic storage. The Irishman finished the bottle in record time and chased him down. Vik took another jab from the pool cue and was knocked into a corner. The Irishman was about to finish him off for the last shot, a summoning circle started to form, and the Irishman was knocked back by an unknown force. An armored girl stood in front of Vik, but more importantly, she had big boobs. She said, “You got any more alcohol than this. I, Ashley, require more alcohol if I am to be your servant.” Vik said, “yea lemme make it, but first stop that Irish guy.” Ashley said “Oh, Ok”, and ran off to fight the Irishman.
TheMagekiller · Mon Nov 12, 2007 @ 10:41pm · 1 Comments |
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