I said i would always be here, for everyone... for anyone. I promised this. And i'm not going to break it. I know how hard things are once you're heart has been broken more the once. I know the pian that people go thorugh day to day. I know it and understand it all. I guess this is what makes it easy for people to like me. I hate the fact that i care so much. If it were up to me i'd be the cold hearted b***h that i was a year ago. Anyways i promised an entry for my thoughts and feelings from yesterday.
I can't fully explain it ... but agian i'll try. I may be leaveing gaia for a while. last time it was a few months. but i'm thinking of leaving for more then that now. People tell me they love me. I debate a lot as to whethers that's true. I mean... this is the internet for crisesakes. no one, but a select few, know what i look like, i'm just someone to talk to about your day and how it went, how could that possibly let anyone fall in love with me? Roleplaying isn't real. It's just words you read and think of. It's not real if i type ::hugs:: you dont' really feel it. but then agian it could be the thought that counts.
Humans are so weird. (random) Feelings that seem uncontrolable. i often get yelled at or i'm targeted to release anger on because i can't feel some of those feelings. I want to leave. Do you all understand that? If you don't then i'm going to ask you to accept it. I don't think anyof you relaize how much i go through for you all. and of course you're all miles and miles away from me. I'll never see more then half of you, and i go through these feeling and life and guilt for not always being there. My only weakness is caring as much as i do. I take on a mother or big sister role for everyone. I become someone to look up to, i become your brick wall to lean on. I do it too much sometimes so that with out me, people fall. They need the support i give. And since i do this i feel weak because i could never tell anyone what goes on in my head, i could never express feelings to those, and it's all to be strong for you guys. I run around like crazy, feeling insane liek i may die from mental exhaustion at anyminute. it's not only the computer but i have problems outside of this as well. things that are hard to deal with mroe then any of you could understand. It's not fair anymore. Do you understand? It's just not fair to do so much and not get anything back, like a break.
If you all love me as much as half of you say you do... then let me go. And NEVER fall in lvoe with me. you'll only get hurt in the end really.
there's mroe iw ant to write but i've nto a clue as to how to yword it... so have a ncie day and i hope that one day you all see things through my eyes... that your own eyes open and you realize the things i say and understand them...
KnivesTG · Fri Jun 17, 2005 @ 06:00pm · 2 Comments |