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personally.... *sigh* is the best title any more.... |
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It's 1:30 am and as much as i would love to crawl into bed and sleep. i can't.
Stepmother is wanting to kick me out. and it's because she thinks i'm lazy and i don't do my chores right.
i do what she asks but then she says that i "throw the dishes in the dishwasher" ... and i don't i load that dishwasher just fine. and i empty it everyday liek she askes.
she had this conversation with me about how she was ******** tired of me and didn't want me around if i couldn't pull my own weight.
granted, yes i live here and i should have chores and have to get them done on time and in the correct way, but i work 16 hours a day. Direct quote from her... "if you can't do all of your wash at one time and get it done, then don't do it". where the hell am i supposed to find the time for that? 16 hours. i don't have the money to be driving back and forth between work and home. i spend $20 a day on just cab fare. not including tip. about $15 for food. if i went home on breaks my cab rides would be up to $40.
so... here i am, staying up until everything is done. until she's happy so i can stay down here.
my mom is coming to visit me tomorrow. i'm so screwed. i dyed my hair black (which she never wanted me to in the first place, and i honestly didn't want to either, it was supposed to come out blue, but it didn't, so i cut it off, but into the hair cut she told me to never get, of which iw anted so badly...) so i haven't told her that my hair is black and in the haircut she hates. so won't THAT go over well tomorrow.
she wants to move away to flordia, for some guy named Eddie. and leave me and cody the house. i'm 17. i dont' even do taxes yet, i get paid under the table. i don't even have my damned car yet.
i'm tired.
i'm tired of everything.
i am.
i want to close off again, just go into my self and close off to everyone. ******** it. i mean... i'll do what i have to do to survive and stay in wildwood, and that's it. other then that i'll keep my head down and out of the way.
when i first mvoed here i felt so unwanted. awkward, and out of place. so i worked. and i still do work as much as i do because i still feel liek they dont'w ant me here. infact i know that my step mom doesn't want me here. i thought that working as much as i do would be better because i'm out of the way. no one sees me anyway i go to work at 10 am, when they are a)already gone to work or b) still sleeping. and i come home at 12:15, when they are all asleep.
it's pointless really. i just sleep here.
it's 1:36 now. i want my laundry to hurry up so i can sleep. i want to fold these last bit of clothes so i can wake up a littel late.
i feel bad becuase i dont' want to wake up my step mom to talk to her, just so i can get yelled at and threatened. i dont' want to wake her up just so that she can show me how everything is done right, instead of the "half assed way" i do it.
i'm tired of having to only call ym friends after midnight and only tlak for 10 minutes because i'm tired.
i'm tired of trying to keep up with relationships.
it's hard.
i wish it wasn't.
and yes... no one said it was going to be easy... but like always i'm biting off more then i can chew.
so who's willing to come to jersey and take me away with them? honestly.
no one.
blue gave me this CD from one of the guys at her work. the music is so trippy, liek you can close your eyes to it and it doens't need lyrics. and the guy's lyrics are way to simple for the music, but his voice sounds very good with it. and some of the lyrics are pretty neato. like "my life feels like a landslide" which is what i feel right now
more so then often i hate the phone heather's upset with me because i almost got drunk last night, she's angry as well ebcause i didn't call ehr until late, and then i read my step mom's note and hung up with ehr because those notes make me feel so frustrated. blue's alseep on the phone with someone (probably her ex), and her cell phone is off. mandie doesn't have a phone, or at least that's the last i heard and that was ages ago. so it's not like i can call her. like she'd want to hear from me anyways.
god i am so tired. my back hurts so badly. i think... i think i want to cry.
if i do, please do not think little of me.
so when can i rest? please... someone answer me. when can i take a break?
i think i'm killing myself.
i feel liek there's too much but i know this is just the beginning.
don't make me go back to my moms.
please....
KnivesTG · Sat Aug 26, 2006 @ 06:55am · 2 Comments |
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