1 year older
So I'm 17 now. 1 year older. I've learned a lot in that year. Some by observation. Other things by painful experience.
I Had A Birthday Party Tonight! Stuert came over, we went to frisbee, played 2 games, brought everyone back home, ate pizza, played apples to apples and taboo, and had cake!
I really really really don't like lieing to people... but I don't like them feeling sorry for me either. It's painful, and I don't really think I desirve it! I don't have any right to be unhappy at my own birthday party... I certianly didn't want to be. So I shouldn't've been. And so... when they ask me why I was a bit out of it, I tried to steer away from the truth; I'm ok, I'm just a bit tired, I've had a weird day, the sugar is getting to me... Bull. All of it. and I hope nobody saw through it. Because I've never been in a situation where telling my friends how I felt when I was feeling horrible helped anything; it just made them feel a little worse, try and help, but when I get like that it's just to much trouble to bother... And everyone else was having fun! I love it when the people around me have fun. When they get to talk, and flirt, and laugh and joke. It's great. And even when they're planning other events, although that didn't feel right... I'm not sure why. It's not like it mattered... or I cared. Or like it would matter if I cared. But at some point I either need to figure out how to just enjoy the things my friends seem to like doing the most, or be better at pretending that I'm happy. Or at just being happy. I'm not even sure which one is more important anymore. If I could choose between being happy and having everyone else think I was sad, and being miserable but successfully convincing everyone else I was happy... I don't know what I'd choose. Probably the second. I don't like it when people think I'm sad.
raven-gm · Mon Dec 31, 2007 @ 06:55am · 7 Comments |