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The answer to the million-dollar question is... one week. |
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Mood:Belittled/Disempowered
For the past couple of weeks, there has been a question rolling around in my head, occasionally making it's way down to my tummy to knot things up... "Just how long can I stay with my dad and stepmom before I get into a fight/spat/explosion of tension?" Well, today, Wednesday marks one week that I've been back with my parents, and earlier this evening my stepmom and I got into it, with my dad literally standing between us.
Things have been going okay for the most part. My little brother was ultra-bratty, but he's been gone at Boy Scout camp. He's having fun, and I can worry less, so it's a win-win situation there. I sometimes accidently use his bath towel because it's in my spot, or I forgot to turn on the dishwasher after doing dishes the other night (I used to always forget), or sometimes I leave a light on or something at night... but I really haven't done anything really wrong. I even remembered to wish my stepmom 'good morning' this morning (I guess she wasn't on the phone or something for once, and I wasn't rushing off to school/work). When she wanted to nap and wanted me to answer the phone, I even turned on the bloody ringer in my room (which I never do because I don't really answer the phone, and it annoys me). Even the discussion about finances for next school year went okay... surprise, surprise.
My dad took my car to be looked at for the "Check Engine Light", whatever it was only costed about 50 bucks, which was a major relief. I could have costed ten times that. I've been reading, taking notes, and watching my telecourse videos all day, because I've kinda been procrastinating on that, and I want to go to the midterm review this friday with at least SOMETHING done. I had also started laundry, because I've cycled through my week's worth of clothes.
I was between studying and sitting at the computer after checking my bank account balance to write my dad a check for a car insurance payment, and my stepmom started wanting me to help her with a bunch of computer stuff... how her hotmail wont' show pictures when she tries to foward stuff... she hasn't utilized the gmail account I gave her. I told her how to save, and asked if she rememberd how to attach (I've had to explain to her over once a month for over a year how to add an attatchment onto an email)... so between me being disracted (writing check), stressed (homework), and having bad memories... having to explain something to her many more times than I do the children I teach, and how she always gets pissy with me about computer stuff... jumping on me as soon as I come home from a long day of work to only end up yelling at me for not wanting to help her right away... I wasn't 'enthusiastic' or 'happy' to help her.
SO SHOOT ME, I have negative memories, and those wreak havoc on me, internally. I said I'd help her, I even brought my homework out to the kitchen table so she could try and I could answer questions, but she was working on dinner...
Then it happened, she snapped, got pissed and started screaming and swearing at me. I tried hard to not swear back, and I got really defensive. It really hurt when she dismissed my negative memories, but they're so fresh, and sometimes haunt me in my dreams. She doesn't know how many times I've drawn blood on myself in my dreams because of how much she freaks me out. She was getting all onto me, but I was the one shaking and crying, as normal. At one point, i was like, I"m going to go study at the bookstore! and I stormed off, grabbed my book, notebook, pen, keys, and wallet... screw shoes or a jacket, Ijust had to get out. But she was still yelling at me, and I stood there feeling the cold metal of my car keys making impressions into the flesh of my hand...
We went on and on about stuff and eventually calmed down. My dad, me, and her both agree that it would be nice if we get along. We have different personalities, though. She yells. I avoid. I feel like my little brother manipulates them against me. I felt really bad when she disregarded some things that I felt were of high importance (my negative memories). And yes, I am selfish, rude, etc etc etc... but despite this... I still mangaged to tell her, through tears... I act like that because I'm scared. I'm scared of her. It was brave of me to get that out. I don't know how much sunk in, but she delayed my studying and I delayd her dinner preparation so we called it off... by the time dinner was ready we had all calmed down, but now as I type this, I still feel a sinking feeling in my gut, why does it have to be like this?
Well, only a couple more days. And now I know. One week is the cut-off. As long as I'm with my parents for less than a week (ie, a weekend or 'long weekend'), I'm fine. However, one week is where it hits the fan.
Moving backwards, Yesterday was work on my 'day off', biology test, and actually hanging out on a whim!
So anyways, I worked at Hillsborough (where I was 2 weeks ago, we even had 2 repeat kids! ^.^), teaching the class that I taught just last week in San Mateo. The girl there didn't exactly remember how the cirriculum went from training, and the other person was a first-time high school assistant teacher. So once again, yay for a leadership role. So anyways, this one day and the fact that I'm going to be working a few saturdays at Gator really help counteract the fact taht I have this week off, money-wise. I even had a funny occurance of one random guy who I barely recognize come into the room asking something, then point to me and his eyes get big "You! ... I know you!!" ... after talking to him about his D&D camp, it turns out he frequented both Gator Games and GameKeeper, where I collectively worked 2 years. That was funny.
I went to school to avoid coming home and studied for my Bio test. The teacher and his anti-gum policy actually brought some of those little candies that won't go away unless you chew them (Pastels? Pattelies? Starts with a P, I know it does...) and gum... I had some spearment because it's supposed to help with memory retention. I don't think I did great, but there are 58 questions and he's grading it out of 50, so I stand a chance.
My friend Adam wanted to hang out with me before class like we did a week ago, but I knew I'd be studying so I declined. However, since i got done with my test early, an didn't want to go back to my parents all that early, I actually called him and we met and hung out and talked... it was so nice... I didn't want to look at my phone-clock, because I knew that the stupid little LCD display would make me feel like I had to go home... ugh...
For the 3rd and 4th of July, I did major BBQ hopping! The early afternoon of the 3rd, I met Adam and his group of friends. It was really funny, because we usually mutually hang out with just each other... we could have almost been figments of each other's imaginations... you know... Fight Club-ish. In the park in the "sunset district" it was much colder than the peninsula. Food, amusing conversation, and my juggling sticks... yay ^^; It was a little awkward when some people that I was talking to left, and a bunch of others showed up... I figured then was a good time to hi-tail it.
Then I went to Ryan's BBQ, and Matt/mtgserra and others that I know were there. So... more food... plus Magic games... haven't really played in forever and a day... plus a sing-along version of The Nightmare Before Christmas were part of the festivities... though it was neither Christmas nor Halloween... Eddy bought some Dancing Flowers, I pitched in a buck so I could light a couple... twisting the fuses together... Him and this other girl whose name I can't remember were trying to STEP on the bloody things, and were running and jumping over the fountain. Very amusing.
The night of the 4th I actually hooked up with Alex/nightlight, Dan/sntmods, Chris, and other old faces for the first time in blooooooody freaking ages. I brought my computer, and so did alot of people. What was different, was last year were were being idiots trying to figure out how to cook. This year, Dan's mom was actually there, so after coming down and greeting us "Hello guys ... and [mbh]!" she let us know that she actually cooked alot for everyone. It was really nice, but I was looking forward to cooking. I went upstairs with Alex and I threw togehter my salad while he worked on his "Beer Sausage", and some Oysters. I was there to help him out with stupid things (melt the butter, grab a plate, watch this for a min, etc etc)... and as stupid as it was, and we didn't even really talk about much, it was realy really calming and I was really too happy just working with him. It reminded me of that one time the last Christmas I worked at GameKeeper when he helped sell a chess set and me and him were there, packaging it up for the lady at the coutner, our hands working together to put the detailed chess pieces in their proper spot. (Despite the outside negativity from a new guy, who really resented Alex, and didn't know anything about chess.) It seems really silly that such a small thing could make me happy.
It was a really gamer-geeky 4th, everyone was on their computer playing MMORPGs or CS:S, or playing the Xbox (*makes a mental note to actually play the Lego Star wars game at some point XD*).
So, some final thoughts... I don't know why, but I've had alot of people getting pissed at me lately. My stepmom. Another irl friend thinks that I lied to him/betrayed him on some level. Another (formerly really close) online friend recently expressed a bunch of stuff that hurt. Another online friend is leaning towards throwing out an ultimatum of sorts for our friendship (or maybe lackthereof if he keeps it up). Yes, my life really is as chaotic as I make it out to be, if not moreso, because none of those people know all of what is going on... then again... I'm scared... I'm scared of them on somelevel, whether I'm scared of them for them, or I'm scared of hurting them, or I just feel weird... If anyone wants to let me have it... fine. Here's my cheek, if you like I can turn the other one, too. I feel really belittled and disempowered right now because alot of stuff is happening at once, and I'm not sure how in the hell I'm managing to somehow keep my head above the proverbial water. Maybe if everyone keeps taking knocks at me, eventually I'll go unconscious and slip below the surface.
So... are you a part of the problem, or a part of the solution?
meatballhead15 · Thu Jul 07, 2005 @ 08:02am · 0 Comments |
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