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Here we go: Bits and peieces of my life for the last 3 weeks |
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Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Grades.
GAH! SO CLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE...
A- in french. And I said I'd get a 4.0 this semester... damnit. Ugh. I wanted that so badly... I need it too. My grades from Freshman and Softmore years really really suck. And... Well, it just makes me feel a bit more empty inside. Like I gave it my best shot and it was not good enough. So I guess I'll try harder. Same goal. But I'm not going to screw it up this time like a moron.
8:58 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Done with frisbee (but so is everyone...) + random personal stuff
So, the new year has started... And nothing has changed. I know all of you have great reasons for why we havn't stared doing drills yet, or when we are going to, and that it's cold and you do not want to come to practice. I have heard all of this and I will hear it again. I am not complaining. I just want everyone to know that Ian and Chris are most likely going to quit the team. They take the sport seriously, and do not get better from scrimmaging; they want to run drills so that they (and the rest of us!) can improve. They don't feel that is worth the time investment... The same way Sam quit. And honestly, I don't think it is worth it either. I am still going to come, to every practice I can and the tournament. But it's foolish, what this team is doing. And I really hate it. And no, I don't want to hear that we don't have enough people to teach the stack, or that drills are not effective when there are no people. The best drill in the game takes 4 people, and we usually have that.
So, end of the line. I'm still willing to play, of course. But not everyone is. And this really kind of breaks my heart. Because frisbee is one of the few things left I still care about anymore, and we could be good. We could be amazing...
But we arn't.
Personally? I'm gonna miss Ian and Chris on the team. They are two of my very best friends, two of the best players I know, two fun guys who I really looked forward to going to the tournament with this year. But I understand and almost want to do what they are doing as well... Because I know that the way things are going now, we are slated for a middle ranking in C division. And while that may be good enough for you guys, it isn't for them, we are better than that.
Hell, it isn't enough for me either. We could be doing well in B devision if we had worked all year. We could certainly cream C devision. But we won't, with the effort I have seen, or the willingness to come in foul weather.
I've been coming to the scheduled practices whenever I can. Every day, no matter what; the only days I have not come I was out of town, at a doctors appointment, or forbidden by my parents. And while I hate all of that... I still come. Even today, in foul weather that only one other person came in. (Thank you Kelsie) And I know some people are busy. And some people don't care enough to come out in the cold. And to them I say: I really hope Ian and Chris find enough people to make a team that cares. I'll go play with them, we'll do drills, get better, and beat your face in the tournament next year. If we even go in the same devision.
Of course, the people who don't care enough to play in the cold arn't going to read this. So I probably should have added it to my bulletin, but whatever, I don't care.
Also, today was my first day back. It really sucked. Not sure why, it just felt like suck. But I did have 2 long conversations with really nice people, and that helped. For a little while...
But now I'm staying up doing work I don't want to do, and I'm feeling pretty bad about life in general again...
However, I am also proud of my ability to draw back. 2 days and counting. I mean to keep the rift there at least a week, and give a beautiful mind some well-needed break from my mental issues...
5:48 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Saturday, January 26, 2008
...I’m not ready for everyone to read this. Maybe a few people... But not everyone.
A much smarter person: but you should be happy me: you should be more socially competant me: and I should be less of an a*****e me: what's your point? A much smarter person: why do you feel the need to be depressed? A much smarter person: it's just...I'm worried. me: why? me: (and I don't "feel the need" to be depressed... it just happens, sometimes) A much smarter person: a lot me: ...why are you worried? A much smarter person: because if you keep trying to shut yourself off, I'm afraid you'll end up like [somebody who is not very well off] me: I don't try and shut myself off me: honestly I don't A much smarter person: maybe not consciously me: ...well if it's unconcious then I have no ******** clue how to stop it A much smarter person: think objectively about who you are, and don't be afraid to show it to people A much smarter person: frankly, I don't think a whole lot of people would have a problem with that A much smarter person: and the ones who would are assholes me: are you kidding? me: every time I try to express myself me: I get shut down A much smarter person: how do you try to express yourself? me: by talking to people about the things I like me: by doing things I enjoy me: by living to have fun me: but it never lasts me: someone always has to ruin it A much smarter person: are you sure it's not you? me: yeah, I am pretty sure it is not me: me A much smarter person: because people don't like it when you lay your problems on them like that me: ...which problems? A much smarter person: not talking about anything specific me: well then I don't understand A much smarter person: if you blame other people for what's going on and treat them like crap, they're much more likely to do the same to you me: ...I try not to treat people like crap me: ...I'm not very good at it though, huh? A much smarter person: also, people will not instinctively know what's wrong, and will not usually know when you need help unless you ask them me: well I hate asking for help me: it's weak A much smarter person: and even then, will not help you unless your kind and sensitive about it A much smarter person: *slap* me: what? me: I do me: I really hate it me: I can handle my problems on my own A much smarter person: and that's a problem me: (not effectively but htat is not the point) A much smarter person: frankly, you need to trust peopl A much smarter person: yes, it is me: I trust people, me: but I don't like asking for help A much smarter person: but you're afraid of them me: I'm afraid they'll leave me me: like all my friends left me A much smarter person: because you treated them like crap me: I don't want to grow dependent me: on people me: sure, maybe A much smarter person: so you want to be a drifter A much smarter person: dependence=trust=commitment A much smarter person: assuming it's mutual me: it never is though! me: people never need me! A much smarter person: are you kidding A much smarter person: ? me: I'm not helpful, I'm not useful, I'm not anything that anyone needs or wants! A much smarter person: if you're there for someone, they'll be there for you A much smarter person: that's why I'm talking to you right now me: (thank you) me: well, I always try and tell people that I will be here for them me: but nobody ever really needs my help A much smarter person: even so, people will treat you better and like you more if you don't lay your crap on them unless they want to help A much smarter person: are you kidding? me: no A much smarter person: simply put, your skills are not based in people's emotions or sensitivity A much smarter person: your skills are more outward A much smarter person: when someone needs help on a computer, who do they ask? A much smarter person: and being reliable for that sort of thing makes people see you as a generally reliable person A much smarter person: and teaches you how to be reliable at the same time A much smarter person: win-win me: ...somebody who won't attach to them like an emotional leech? me: so I can make a computer dance... me: ...but I don't feel reliable me: I know I can't fix everything A much smarter person: why not? A much smarter person: no one can me: and when I can't I feel horrible A much smarter person: I can't me: because people depended on me me: and I couldn't fix it A much smarter person: but, because you're not the Global Standard Deity? A much smarter person: *what me: sure me: letting people down feels horrible though A much smarter person: but frankly, it can't be avoided sometimes A much smarter person: just make sure that both they and you know you did your absolute best A much smarter person: and they'll come back A much smarter person: if you give up, they won't me: I don't give up me: ...but it doesn't seem like a fair trade anyways me: emotional junk for tech support? me: meh A much smarter person: WHO CARES? me: ME! A much smarter person: I can deal with your emotional junk, you can deal with my tech support me: do you you think I would bring it up otherwise? me: I give my tech support to anyone that asks A much smarter person: call it glass beads to the Indians, but frankly, I need tech support me: because it's easy, anyone can learn it! But emotional stability is not the same thing! me: it can't be learned, or taught, or searched for online me: everything I know anybody else could learn me: that's what most people don't get A much smarter person signed on at 10:54:44 PM. A much smarter person: understand? me: ? me: I missed everything since "that's what most people don't get" me: computer error? me: no "?" A much smarter person: 1 sec... me: sorry A much smarter person: A much smarter person (10:52:09 PM): our society works on the concept of skill specialization A much smarter person (10:52:39 PM): we have chefs and mechanics and engineers and therapists and hackers and CEOs and whatever else A much smarter person (10:53:04 PM): and the chef might be able to learn to do what the mechanic does, but he's gonna stick with cooking A much smarter person (10:53:08 PM): because he's best at it A much smarter person (10:53:13 PM): and he A much smarter person (10:53:19 PM): 'll feed the mechanic A much smarter person (10:53:26 PM): and the mechanic will fix his car me: yeah me: I do understand A much smarter person: you can't do everything, so focus on what you do best me: notice that some people get paid more and are happier than others me: because their job pays more me: the people who don't have any job security A much smarter person: and that, frankly, is bullshit A much smarter person: but you still have to do what you do best me: i.e. what they do is easy to understand and learn me: yes, I know me: but I do a lot of things A much smarter person: then find what you do best and USE THE HELL OUT OF IT me: ...hell if I know A much smarter person: civilization functions because people help other people, regardless of the conditions under which they do so A much smarter person: In my opinion, it's best when there is no crappy basis of exchange A much smarter person: for example, we (my mom and I) A much smarter person: will cover for our neigbors because we know them and care about them and love them A much smarter person: not because we expect to get anything in return me: ...I don't expect anything from the people I help with computers A much smarter person: exactly A much smarter person: you do it for the satisfaction of the job and for knowing that it will help them me: yep A much smarter person: (okay, and for a little extra credit A much smarter person: but that's just icing on the cake A much smarter person: I believe in karma, in that putting something into the system will get you something out A much smarter person: (incidentally, I expect at least 100 karmic dollars for this ) me: ...I do too. But I was a selfish b*****d for a very long time, so I still feel like I have a lot of catching up to do before I can expect anything in return me: which is why I want to be able to go without asking for help A much smarter person: simply put, you can't A much smarter person: no one can me: I KNOW A much smarter person: then live with it me: but I can still try A much smarter person: and come off as an a*****e because of it A much smarter person: frankly, it's best to be openly human me: ...do I really come off as an a*****e? because I try to just be secluded me: and not mean me: when I'm unhappy A much smarter person: not usually...but this past week or so... A much smarter person: and secluded is bad me: sure but if that what it takes to pay the world back me: I'll do it A much smarter person: because people will notice, consciously or not A much smarter person: and they won't like it me: well, it's only when I'm unhappy A much smarter person: then don't be me: which is nOT all of the time! A much smarter person: I know me: good me: I've been playing magic again me: that has been helping A much smarter person: I know me: good! me: I didn't think anyone had noticed me: or linked it to emotional issues A much smarter person: this is me me: thank you me: ...and I'm really sorry me: I don't mean to be an a*****e A much smarter person: it's okay
---It gets more personal after that. But I disagree with his last statement---
11:01 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
dedication + optamisim
= getting punched in the face over and over again? Well, not literally. But it really sucks when you're one of the people on your team who really cares. And you show up every day, no matter how cold or hurt or tired or busy (unless not allowed by parents) or afraid you are. And every day, you hope, wish, believe, that everybody else who could feisibly come will come. That they will try their hardest, play fair, want to learn, to try something new, to get better. That they will be willing, willing to forgo scrimmiging for a day to try and do drills, and stop, and and listen, and learn. And every day... I don't want to say nothing. Because some people are there. Every day. But nobody else is there 20 minutes earily, or even on time, or lately within 20 minutes of being on time. And when I'm the only one there, throwing forehands for practice up and down the feild in the rain... It's kind of hard. I don't really blame anyone but me for that. I'm the one who hopes, who thinks, who believes. And it's hard, because I am an optimist. and I will continue to be an optimist. Despite everything. I guess there is no real reason not to be. It hurts to be let down, no use denying that... but I'm too much of an idealist, too much of a people-ist, to give up.
And there is no way to change it. Because I don't have controls to my brain. Or yours.
But I'll be there. Throwing to myself, trying to get better. That's all I ever wanted. Besides maybe somebody to throw to...
On another note... Thank you, for the people who always come or at least try. Thank you, for the people who are willing to learn, to think, to do something besides take the frisbee and throw it really far to somebody and hope they catch it and score. You are pretty much all that keeps me from going off the edge, sometimes.
9:59 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Thursday, January 24, 2008
advantages to being butt-ugly
1. You don't make friends with people shallow enough to judge you by your appearence.
2. You don't have to worry about buying clothes because of how they make you look.
3. You don't have to worry about people liking you when you don't like them back.
4. You don't have any illusions about how other people think of you.
7:08 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Monday, January 21, 2008
Time
sucks. It's linear and insperable, and people plan their stupid stupid events on the same f***ing days and then I'm trapped in indecision. Happened again. For the frisbee tournament; same day as a big event I wanted to do with another friend. I guess I can't do that EITHER.
Gah! for some reason, whenever I decide to be happy, life decides to take a dump on my face. It is really depressing... this last time I only really got 2 hours of happy. And I miss it already.
6:06 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Saturday, January 19, 2008
The Prerelease!
So today I went up with my friend Stuart (who I never get to see anymore!) and his... we'll say 'special friend' because they are 'not' dating. We played 2-headed Giant, and we didn't get great cards, but we built great decks, and played really well... We went 3-0-1 and got 16 packs, 8 each. It was a lot of fun!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- at least, I remember thinking, 'this is fun'. I don't know. Fun is really really hard to define. I remember being excited about the matches, nervous, tense... And after we finished, I was really, really tired. But fun? Happy? I don't know. For some reason they kind of slipped away... The things that used to make me happy don't, anymore. And I kinda miss that.
10:48 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Inferiority
Complex. Actually pretty simple. But they call it an inferiority complex. Which never made sense to me. And so apprently I have one. Which doesn't really surprise me, and which I can deal with. But I wish there was a way out. Because sometimes it makes nice people sad, and I don't like doing that. And it also feels like s**t, but that's not really as important. s**t happens...
5:29 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Monday, January 14, 2008
slipping (don’t read this, it’s kind of a waste of time)
So life is changing again. For the worse. I'd almost feel bad about posting all these negitive blogs. But it's my journal. If you want to be happy, don't read it. It's not like I'm asking you to come read it...
My mom was yelling at me again today. She basically informed me that I'm no longer the mature kid I was 2 weeks ago. She doesn't really know what changed. ha. Life is so funny. So all my grades are slipping. I think I know why... somehow I just stopped careing. And it hurts to look at, because I've worked so hard this year, all year, and I don't want to lose it all now... but at the same time my brain just shuts down, and there's nothing I can do about it. Like someone pulled a plug and all the intellegence or dilligence - whichever one made me go - seeped out my ears and is gone. It's kind of surreal. I'm not sure if I'm the same person anymore. Which is kind of weird. I guess I'm still ari, I just don't know who that is. And even more scary is that I don't really care. I don't want to know myself very well. It probably isn't worth the time investment. Honestly, it really hasn't helped anyone else, has it?
9:21 PM - 4 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Frisbee
...am I the only one who cares anymore? I know I'm not. That's not a fair question, but sometimes it just seems like nobody else really feels the same way about the sport that I do. And it kind of sucks. I show up every day, try as hard as I can in just about every game, and it's still hard to get people to take me seriously about this game. Hell, it's hard to get people to show up to practice... and it's not even practice. All we do is scrimmage. and I know we say that we're gonna run drills, as we get closer to the tournament, but it's always later. In the mean time, the club never has real 'meetings', we don't have anything going for recruiting besides weak word of mouth... And the whole thing frusterates me sometimes. I know the club was started to have fun. Maybe I'm to serious about the game for you guys. I know I want to be better at the game, and I try and I try but I can't get it down right. Just playing over and over again, at least for me, is not good practice. And we don't play stratigically; no matter how much you want to twist it up, we play a hucking game with slight variations.
Gah! Has anyone ELSE done reaserch about this game? Found, read, and printed 40 page stratigy guides? Looked up endzone plays, understand how to use forceing directionally to counter the stack, know when to use the Zone and what a Cup even is? Does anyone else care that much?
So why won't anyone listen to me? I don't care if you can throw or catch better than I can, I still just might have something useful to say! And I'm trying to get better... why else would I come every day, sit around and throw with three people, run my a** off and get dirt in my cuts in 2v2 games where one of the players is 6 years younger than me?
I know I take it more seriously than some people, but this is my sport. It's my only sport, the one I care about. It's the only one I'll ever have a chance at not sucking at. I'm not going to let anything stop me from being as good as I can be at it. And really, it's become one of the most meaningful things in my life. More than school, certainly. More than the religion I don't believe in. More than video games and programming and math and science, even though these are all things I love... It isn't the same.
...and I can't come to the tournament. Overlaps a stupid Jewish holiday. Sucks more than anything in the world. Already bulletined it. Not that it matters. I hope everybody else has fun.
11:33 PM - 6 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Swirling
Life has been rather funny lately. Not gonna lie. Not in a great way either. Gone through some changes. Stopped lieing to myself, that was good. Not sure how I feel about the reavealing the truth part. Still think that was a good choice. Not sure how it effects me long term. I hurt, a lot. My head feels like it's splitting, so does my hand. I'm angry at all sorts of things, which is actually kinda funny. I'm angry about frisbee; nobody is showing up anymore, it's cold, I get tired to quickly, and I'm getting worse. The injury doesn't help, either. So yeah. My world is kinda Swirly right now. I'm having a hard time focusing on any one thing, incliuding this post... everything blends togeather in this one big whirl of light and sound. I'm not sure how much longer I'll have to deal with myself like this. Because one think I know is that I raellly hate it. I can't even remember what this sentence was supposed to say. Except that I'm mostly just angry with myself. For not being good enough; at life, or at frisbee, or at being a friend, or at math, or at school. Before I loose the submit button to the wirlies in my mind, I'm gonna click it.
1:20 AM - 5 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Telling the truth
So I did something today I was afraid to do for a long time, something I couldn't have done even a week ago because I was to busy denying that it was an issue. But instead of everything working out like it does in the disney movie, I just feel empty and hollow inside. As though life doesn't have anything worth caring about anymore. As though there is no reason to smile or cry, or laugh or sing or dance or feel. (I did grin at the disney movie comment... I'm so lucky that I have myself to cheer me up!) It will pass. I know it will. I just wanted to write something down, before it did. This kind of thing is important to me.
1/3 is failing. But on the bright side, so is 2/3, so I guess I can say that I don't really care. And I don't.
So now, I guess I start down the long and lonesome road of trying to get my heart to heal. (I hope there shines a shiney demon!) smile
10:31 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
If you wanna comment, be specific about what you are replying to, I don't want to think more than I already have to.
raven-gm · Fri Feb 01, 2008 @ 05:55am · 0 Comments |
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