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Where the ******** have I gone? |
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Remember the Toni from a few years back? Remember how she was always all smiles. She didn't smoke and rarely drank. She never thought about doing drugs. She loved her friends and whatever boyfriend she had at the time. She was just...happy, you know? She had goals and ambitions. She wanted to go to sooooo many colleges. She wanted to be a journalist, then a graphic designer, then a 3D artist, and so many other things. She would never dream of doing anything to hurt the people she loved. She simply enjoyed her life for what it was. Or atleast tried to.
Now, it feels like I've done a complete 180 from the Toni I was. I don't want to say it's the "Old Toni". I really just want to describe my current state as a grown Toni.
But when I look in the mirror these days, I have bags under my eyes and my face is sunken in. It looks like the weight of the world has attacked me and I don't understand why. I've been working hard and trying to feel confident in everything I'm doing. But I still wonder why I look like I've been through hell. And why I act like I've been through hell.
Sure, a lot of obstacles have been thrown my way this year. I've been eighteen almost a whole year, and it feels like this year has been dragged on forever. All the s**t that has happened, ********, how did it even fit in just a year? It's so surreal. Six months ago, I was sitting in my house in Germany, drinking beers with my family, watching the lame AFN satellite, cuddling with my dogs. And where am I now?
I'm sitting in the living at the house in Rochester. I've taken a trip back as a little vacation for myself. A way to sort out my mind, really. Seeing everyone again has been fantastic, but I'm so scared of when this trip ends...or if it does end. Brian and Maria really want me to stay, but my mom is offering to let me live with her in New Jersey as she pays for my college while I work. It's a tempting deal and I've been told to take it, but I'm so torn. I'm confused.
And I'm still just sitting around in my pajamas, looking like the bum that I am on my friends couch. There's a bong within reach and cigarettes in my pocket; there's a wonderful supply of vodka in the freezer. I'm afraid I may like drugs a little too much. Gene pointed out that I use weed as a crutch and I'll protest that statement til the end, but I do smoke it as if it were one. All it really is is just...something different. Something to break up the norm.
So, I smoke weed to feel something different; I smoke cigarettes because, pfft, I just do; I drink alcohol only when I intend to get drunk and sleep well; I do acid out of curiosity; I do shrooms...well...never again, really.
I act like a stoner. I sit on my a** and mutter words of no regrets and existance. I guard myself still. If I don't show any vulnerabilities, people won't ******** with me, right? If I look like I'm on a mission with my life, people will take me seriously, right?
Can I be that Toni from years ago? Is it too late? How tainted am I?
Is Toni still a good person?
<oo> Moo
ThePsychoticCow · Mon Feb 04, 2008 @ 03:40pm · 3 Comments |
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