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Blonde One-Liners What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"
Why did the blond lay out on the lawn chair in her bikini at midnight? She wanted to get a dark tan.
What did the blonde's mother say when she asked if she could lick the bowl? "Just flush it like everybody else does."
Hear about the blonde explorer? She bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara Desert.
Did you hear the one about the blonde that had a problem with her bed? She couldn't find a knife large enough to apply the bed spread.
What is every blonde's ambition in life? To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off of a cliff.
How did the blonde burn her nose? Bobbing for french fries.
Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops? So they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus.
Why do blondes like lightning? They think someone is taking their picture.
Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces? From eating with forks.
What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head? A space invader.
What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? Branch manager.
Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? From crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk."
Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor? She thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.
Why did the blonde call the welfare office? She wanted to know how to cook food stamps.
What do you call four blondes in a Volkswagen? Far-from-thinkin.
What did the blonde name her pet zebra? Spot.
Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air? She missed.
What do you give the blonde who has everything? Penicillin.
Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her.
Why do blondes get confused in the bathroom? They have to pull their own pants down.
Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar? She heard that the drinks were on the house.
Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips? From trying to blow out lightbulbs.
Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering? The noise gave her a headache.
Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall? To see what was on the other side.
What do you call a zit on a blonde's butt? A brain tumor.
What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common? You always hear about them but never see them.
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, she is 18.
Did you hear about the three blondes who were driving to Disneyland? After being in the car for hours, they saw a sign that said "Disneyland left" so they turned around and went home.
What do most blondes get on an IQ test? Drool.
These two blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would have seen it.
Why does a blonde keep empty beer bottles in her fridge? They are for those who don't drink!
Why did God give every blonde two more brain cells than a cow? So they don't moo-moo when you pull on their titties.
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes at a four way stop.
How did the blonde die while drinking milk? The cow sat down!
What is the ugly blonde's mating call? "I said, 'I'm so drunk!'"
What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? Gets dressed and goes home.
What do blondes and cow pies have in common? The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
What did the blonde's mom say to her before she went out? If you're not in bed by midnight, come home.
What's a blondes idea of natural childbirth? No make-up.
How do you prevent a blonde from having sex? Marry her.
What does a blonde make for dinner? Reservations.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
Did you hear about the blonde who got locked in the bathroom? She was in there so long, she peed her pants.
How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies? Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night...
What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts? Change.
Why do blondes write TGIF on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid? They can't get eight cups of water into that little packet.
Why did the blonde only change her baby's Pampers twice a month? Because the box said "for 18 to 24 pounds."
What's the advantage of being married to a blonde? You can park in the handicapped zone.
What do you call eight blondes in a freezer? Frosted flakes.
What did the blonde say when she got pregnant? "Gee, I hope it's mine."
Why was the blonde excited when she finished the jigsaw puzzle in six months? Because the box said 4 to 6 years.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted.
A blonde looked at her drivers license and got depressed when she saw that she got an "F" in sex.
How can you tell which blonde is the waitress? She's the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant.
How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? Wave.
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? Run, she's got a hand grenade in her mouth!
How do you keep a blonde busy? You give her a bottle of shampoo that says: "Lather, rinse, and repeat."
How do you keep a blonde busy? You put her in a round room and tell her to go sit in the corner."
Why do blondes always have such big hair? So they can catch things that are over their heads.
Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $100 bill. Who picks it up? The dumb blonde! Because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Where do blondes go to meet their relatives? The vegetable garden.
A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
How do you change a blonde's mind? Blow in her ear.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday? Tell her a joke on Monday.
What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears? Trying to hold on to a thought.
How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle? Shine a flashlight in her ears.
How does a blonde give a high-5? She smacks herself in the forehead.
How do you confuse a blonde? You don't. They're born that way.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? There's white-out on the screen.
What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
Why did the blonde cross the road? Don't know? Neither did she.
Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
Why did the blonde tip toe past the medicine cabinet? So she wouldn't wake up the Sleeping Pills.
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
Q: How do you kill a blonde? A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q: How do blondes pierce their ears? A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello? A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts? A: Tits Go In Front.
Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side? A1: An interpreter. A2: A translator.
Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Q: Why do blondes have more fun? A: Because they don't know any better.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? A1: "What's a lightbulb?" A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
Q: What's a blonde's favorite wine? A: "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!"
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? A: Because you wash vegetables there!
Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you? A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: What will she ask you? A: "Is it mine?"
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A: A wind tunnel.
Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall? A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: What do you see when you peer into a blonde's eyes? A: A Back of her head.
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche? A: You dont lend the Porsche out to your friend.
Q: How do you drown a blond? A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
Q: What do blondes and cow pies (or buffalo chips) have in common? A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Q: How do blonde braincells die ? A: Alone.
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence? A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Q: HOW DO YOU KEEP A BLONDE BUSY ALL DAY? A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
Q: HOW DID THE BLONDE DIE ICE FISHING? A: She was run over by the zambonis machine.
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish? A: She drowns it.
Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat? A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q: How does a blonde moonwalk? A: She pulls down her panties and slides her a** along the floor!
Q: WHY ARE BLONDES LIKE PIANOS? A: When they aren't upright, they're grand.
Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law? A: An air bag.
Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs? A: To avoid the draft.
Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE BAKE A CHICKEN FOR 3 AND A HALF DAYS? A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.
Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE PUT HER FINGER OVER THE NAIL WHEN SHE WAS HAMMERING? A: The noise gave her a headache.
Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE HAVE BLISTERS ON HER LIPS? A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs.
Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar? A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.
Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs? A: They don't know the route.
Q: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A LIGHTBULB? A: The lightbulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.
Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase? A "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."
Q: How does a blonde commit suicide? A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
Q: How do you plant dope? A: Bury a blonde.
Q: Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses? A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? A: Wave to her.
Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle? A: Shine a torch in her ears.
Q: How does a blonde high-5? A: She smacks herself in the forehead.
Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots? A: Flattered.
Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is? A: An Italian suppository.
Q: WHAT CAN SAVE A DYING BLONDE? A: Hair transplants.
Q: WHAT ARE THE WORST SIX YEARS IN A BLONDE'S LIFE? A: Third Grade.
Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE SAY ABOUT BLONDE JOKES? A: She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans.
Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE THINK OF THE NEW COMPUTER? A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get MTV.
Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common? A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist? A: Marriage.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: You don't. They're born that way.
Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms? A: They're too hard to peel.
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? A: Proofreading.
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? A: For throwing out the W's.
Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID? A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
Q: How can you tell a blonde had a bad day? A: Her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn't know what she did with her cigarette.
Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense? A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)
Q: How do you keep a blonde busy? A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q: What do you call a blonde with a runny nose? A: Full.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of the pool? A: Air pockets.
Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde? A: "Space. The final frontier......"
Q: How does the blonde car pool work? A: They all meet at work at 7:45.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A: Her IQ goes up!
Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England? A: She found out Big Ben is only a clock.
Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes? A: They always forget the recipe.
Q: DID YOU HEAR BOUT THE BLONDE WHO COULN'T WAIT TO SEE "20,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA"? A: She said that she loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many teams.
Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE WHO STOOD IN FRONT OF A MIRROR WITH HER EYES CLOSED? A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.
Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL FOR BLONDES? A: They take off their makeup.
Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer? A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.
Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek? A: One.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone? A: Divorced.
Q: What do you call a blonde without an a*****e? A: Divorced.
Q: How did the blonde burn her nose? A: Bobbing for french fries.
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde? A: There is a stamp on it.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
Q: What's the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist? A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids? A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon. A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.
Q: Why do men like blonde jokes?? A: Because they can understand them.
Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs? A: Because they can spell it.
Q: Why don't blondes double recipes? A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first? A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair? A: Last years hide and go seek winner.
Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes? A: A whine cellar.
Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool? A: Air bubbles.
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? A: A dope ring.
Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning? A: A visitor.
Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what?
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A: To turn the blinker off.
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane? A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Q: Why does it work? A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"
Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office? A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer? A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Q: What's a blondes' favorite rock group? A: Air Supply.
Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words? A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs? A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes? A: Peroxide.
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard? A: Grade 4.
Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance? A: 144 blondes.
Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist? A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning? A: It swells at night.
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? A: She moved.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car? A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting. She told me she didn't know how to cook them.
This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?"
Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia.
Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger: Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked! Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender: Brunette: "I'll have a B and C." Bartender:"What is a B and C?". Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke." Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T." Bartender: "What's a G and T?" Redhead: "Gin and tonic." Blonde: "I'll have a 15." Bartender: "What's a 15?" Blonde: "7 and 7"
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"
A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.
monter buddy · Sun Feb 10, 2008 @ 05:38am · 0 Comments |
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