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Random thoughts

Ok, I must say right now that im typing this just feel better. To get some of my thoughts out my head.

Here goes.


I saw his face when i woke up, and thought it was a dream. I had been told he died in a car accident, takeing him away from me. I shot up and looked at him again. He was here, alive, in my bedroom.How could he be dead, when he was clearly here in my room? I must be losing my mind. I got up to touch his face, and ...it was there, real, warm, how could he be dead. He grabbed me into a tight hug and I hugged him back. He then kissed me full on the lips, oh how warm and soft they were! I then said, "they told me you had died in a car crash, but your here, how? What he said next turned my heart to ice. "Danielle, I am dead. I am not alive."
I woke up screaming and crying. My mother rushed in and askd me what was wrong. I just told her about my dream. I knew today was his funeral. I knew i would have to go back to school and face every body asking me how I was, how I couldnt even face my friends now. I didnt want to go, I had nothing left to live for. I wanted to go and be with him, but I had to live for him. I got up and got ready for the funeral.
THREE DAYS LATER
I pulled up to the school and got out. There was Reagan and Nika, waiting for me as usual. I walked over to them, and thankfully they didnt ask me how I was. I knew they knew that if they asked I would break. I walked in and people stayed away from me. They all knew what had happened. I had been at school when they told me what had happened to James. Big mistake. You could here my crys of pain all the way across campus.
I got to first period, and the questions started.....I took everything I had not to fall apart right there. Thank god Coach Kinner came in and started class then. I mouthed thanks you to him and he nodded.
I got threw the day but I had to deal with a lot of questions. Reagan and Nika hugged me goodbye, and i drove home. All the while wondering how i was going to live with out him, With out my James.
I miss him so much its killing me I want to be with him.
A ll of this week was hell. But Reagan and Nika were there to help me, Even both of the Wills were to. Every one I kew was there to help me. I hurt so much in the choir room because I expected him to come in and wait for me again, I broke down crying and Ms. Moore came and hugged me. I dont think i can go in there again with out crying. The room holds to many memories. I wanted to bolt from the room, but couldnt bring myself to. God I miss him!
I cant take this much longer, every one watching me as if I am a science experiment! I completly blew everyone off at lunch, even Duffy, who did nothing but help me and hold me. He was there helping me, but I just pushed every one away and sat in the corner on the floor. I am losing intrest in everything. I dont even want to do color gaurd anymore. I dont want to get out of bed anymore. I wish I could be with him.
I went to his house today, to see how KK was doing, shes ok, but still not the same as before. When she saw me she yelled and ran and hugged me, but I could see the sadness in her eyes. I talked to her mom and dad to see how they were. They asked me how i was and I said I was good. Thy had no clue I was about to completly lose myself to depression. I went home and curled up intoa ball on my bed. I fell asleep and dreamed of James again. I woke up around 1 in the morning, and couldnt sleep anymore. so i got up and went out back into the moon light. I went and sat on the swing and cryed. I felt a little better but it never lasted. I knew I would have to move on but, it was hard. It was hard to live without him.
I went to school on monday and things seemed back to normal. well, as normal as it could get, but I wouldnt talk, or answer questions, I ws lifless. I had to go to the counsler, but that didnt help, so they sent me to the nurse. She couldnt find anything wrong with me except I was depressed. I didnt want to come to school, or even leave my house. My friends are worryed but i dont care. I stopped going to my classes for color gaurd. I wont touch my keyborad any more. When im home, I am always in my room curled into a ball, I wont eat. And I try not to sleep cause then I see him. I feel dead.


I had been planning that on my graduation day, even if it had been backwards, I was going to ask him to marry me. I even had the ring already. He was a senior and I was a junior, only one year.
I loved him so much, we had been together for 5 years already.We loved each other so much. We wanted to be together, to have children. We wanted to start a family together. We wanted to be able to hold each other and watch as our children grew up with every thing they needed, and watch them get married and have children of there own. Thats all we wanted from life. But it was torn away from me in an instant. In that instant my life ended.


please, dont think he died, this was a dream I had, James is alive I promise.