It's currently 2:09 am, (and if vicky found out i was up she'd probably tie me to a bed and make me sleep)I'm sitting here eatinga plum and pondering the meaning of life (which is supposed to be 42) About ten minutes ago i was trying to draw an new character. His name is brent and i don't liek the way he's turning out. The whole drawling is for a website contest... thingy. And well i have another two weeks to do it but yeah i was bored. Then i got bored of that. So i remian eating my plum(s) and just thinking. I know that i've skirted around this subject before...but i never really said anything. So... here i go ::intakes breath::
I ambasically thinking of why my life has been so horrible... Why i had to go through the things i do/did. Why my heart was ripped out and left to burn to ashes in the sun(or soemthing horrible....) I can only really scome to the conclusion that ... that perhaps in another life (if you believe that sort of stuff, i'm still deciding) I did something to be punishedfor in this life time ((Random side comment: IF you DO believe in that stuffthen aren't we all immortal?)) My second theory is that this is what HAS to happen... like god or who ever is controlling these events, is TRYING to make me stone. No really ...think about it... then i would be the perfect person for people to just pour thier fears, hurt, and horrors into.
It's funny to think that when i'm away from people, I'm happy. And i can be happy with jsut one person. And when i speak of leaving, i mean it from teh bottom of my heart. I hate being around people. I really do. I knwo there's a lot fo people out there still who say they hate people and say they are depressed and act liek it for attention because it's "cool"... Then when soemone really does need help, no one believes that they are in that much emotional pain, because EVERYONE else is too.
((i'm still hungry x.x))
And when i speak of how i can't feel an emotion anymore.. it's basically true. I'm already turning into ice.... Watch... one mroe thing will happen to me and i'll jsut snap into a quiet mode, one so thoughtful and understanding, one where i won't be able to feel Love (which is pretty much how it is now, there's a few exceptions though)) happiness... and what ever 'good' stuff there is. I'll most likely go on loathing everything including myself.
::sighs:: Just like before. When i came on gaia... i wasreally depressed... like i was running away for nothing and cutting myself badly....I didn't think i'd be able to see light anymore. i was just so lost and and... and i couldn't get out of it. I can't believe how bad i was. But i met someone. and slowly i saw sunrises... i began to regrow wings and actually smile. God it was wonderful the miracles that came from that relationship.
Relationships are built on trust right? Well when you have no one... You pour all your trust and love into who ever is closest to you... and you pull them closer, hoping to hold on forever. but you can see them disovling away right in your arms... until... there's just nothing left. And for a bit you can still see them there in your grasp, because that's where they've been for so long. Then soon you see past teh illusion, you see them walking away... joining others... and you know that pain your feel in your mind? It becomes real and the ehart really does hurt.... it really does. just remembering the incident , you can feel the pian rise.
I can't say everythign that went on but i would like to eventually let you all know how i felt that day when i found out how one lie can tear your heart out.
i was told that someone else was in more need of the love then i was.... And... i can't even tell you all the things i think about that comment... 1) It's true. I can live with out love. It just hurt so much because lvoe was there in teh first place 2) I'm not worth it? I know that may be a little harsh to say but... what if... what if i really needed that person? more then they know? ((scars STILL hurt on contact...)) 3) go help someone else. that's what i've been doing... 4)alright... as long as your happy... 5) how come my happiness never matters? 6) how come this is always taken away from me? 7) should i ever love agian? 8 ) ((last but definatly most important)) They'd NEVER understand how much it hurt to hear about what they did... to find out about it. to deal with it. No matter how much they say they do. they don't... and someone may eventually... but i'd never believe them. because i dont' know exactly what they went through.
((exactly 30 minutes have passed >.> i'm on the last plum inthe house))
I feel like i'm dying. I'm not trying to pull soemthing on anyone either... I really feel like i'm losing touch with my humanity... i feel liek i'll go crazy or i am going crazy, losing all sanity along with my humanity.
Maybe i'm just tired fo thinking...
i dedicate this entry to one more sleepless night. thankgoodness i slept last night.
Good bye everyone. I'll be watching the sunrise. For once it's not getting dimmer. And i have someone very spcial to me to thank for that. Vicky i love you. And i hope and pray on everything, that you won't let me down.
One last thing.... If i were me and i was listening to someone say this... i'd probably just chuckle, take a bite out of an apple or what ever i had edible-wise on me, and just turn to them with a small smile and say "life's a b***h... ain't it?" End of conversation.
With in the process of writing this entry 6 plums were consumed. No animals were harmed with in the making of this entry. Do not try this at home. The actresses in the creating of this entry are professionals and highly trianed in what they do. Do not try any of the above stunts with out a parent or guardian present. ((lol i had to write that))
KnivesTG · Tue Aug 02, 2005 @ 07:41am · 1 Comments |