How can it be so,
that I've gone through my life droning,
how could I have let myself go on through life the way I had?
Living, was not what I was doing.
How could I have called myself "living",
if everyday I would bring sorrow to myself,
everyday yearning for something,
yet it wasn't there,
and yet I would go on as if everything was ok,
as if it didn't effect me,
who was I kidding.
I wouldn't show, I refused to show,
Too prideful.
I would show people that I was "ok",
that I didn't mind,
that for most of the years of my life,
I had been hurting,
that I had been yearning,
that I had been wishing.
I didn't need one I said,
but, was that the truth?
How could I had hide,
that the truth was:
Every day, I felt alone,
as if this battle had to be fought alone,
Just me against the world,
and you know whats worse than losing?
Being forced to fight a losing battle, yet it never ends.
The truth was this:
There were days when I just wanted someone to hug,
just a tiny embrace,
and my world, my soul, would have been at peace.
But who was there for me?
I felt like a child,
Selfishly wanting a solution,
To feeling alone,
feeling depressed,
that I didn't even have someone,
to just hug, to embrace.
Would I stay like this forever?
Trapped in that never ending cycle of wanting,
yet never obtaining.
What had I been doing?
.........................................................
The time came though,
when enough was enough,
it was time to fight back,
put myself on the line
and look,
for someone who I could share my feelings with,
and they would share theirs back.
Turned down,
I had chosen wrong.....
I had tried to give my feelings to someone,
yet they didn't want them,
yet they didn't value them,
yet they didn't respect them,
yet they didn't care for them.
It was over,
I was done,
I had come to the conclusion,
that I wasn't to have what I wanted,
what I yearned for,
it was impossible for me.
All that was left for me, was isolation, loneliness, solitude.
This was my fate, one that I could no longer run from.
I didn't want to fight anymore,
these scars were too great,
I couldn't take it anymore,
I couldn't experience that again, the pain.
The yearning came back though,
the pain of being alone was again looming on my shoulder,
what could I do?
It was like being stuck in quicksand,
you can't do anything
you can't save yourself no matter how much you tried,
you only made it worse.
You could scream, yell,
but what would that do you?
No one would listen,
I was nothing,
Just a doomed fool.
So why scream?
My screams, were silent,
my screams, were hidden,
composed and calm on the outside,
frantic and screaming on the inside.
A final desperation,
I begged and I pleaded,
"Please, I'm tired of this, I can't do it anymore.
so please, send me someone, if you have the time,
if you still think I deserve to even feel this happiness.
Please, I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of being alone, I'm tired of hurting."
He didn't have to do it,
he could have answered someone else's pleas,
someone who deserved it more than me,
Bet he sent me, a gift,
an angel.
one that was beautiful,
intelligent,
caring,
warm,
comforting,
wonderful,
everything that I could have asked for.
She was given to me,
but did I deserve her?
was I "acceptable" for her?
she doesn't have to be with me,
the cursed, the plagued, the condemned.
Yet she is.
Shes there when I need comforting,
when I need support,
when I need.....that tiniest of hugs, or embraces.
Shes there.
When I fall,
shes there to comfort me,
hold me in her arms,
No wonder I was in pain,
because for me, a piece was gone
a piece was missing,
a part of me, was not there.
But now, Its fixed,
now, I no longer hurt,
now, I am no longer alone,
But now, we are separated,
forced to be parted,
forced to be a slave to time's cruel torture.
Yet, he can't keep us away forever.
And though I feel that same pain,
that same want,
that same yearning.
I don't panic,
I just take it.
Whats days, weeks, even months,
over most of a life time of lonliness?
I just look forward to the day,
that we'll meet again,
for that day, when I can look upon my angel,
hold you in my arms,
and have you hold me in yours,
because then, I will be at peace once again,
because then, I will not longer hurt,
because then, happiness is no longer a state of being,
it will be a noun that is us,
because In your arms,
I am complete.
Shinigami_Ryoku Community Member 
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