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Always on my Mind #2: My Health |
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So, I'm kind of concerned for myself right now. I mean, yeah things have been up and down like always. There's always bad stuff going on and it's always stressful, but I generally tend to keep a level head and muscle my way through it. Metaphorically speaking. But lately, this whole situation with my ankle has been exacerbating everything terribly.
Hrm... actually lemme back up a bit there.
So, about three months ago I was doing great. I had settled in here with my new roomates of +1 awesomeness, I was losing weight, eating better, using the machine more often, happy with work, getting ready for school, and so on. I was even walking five miles a day. Then, during one of those walks, I stepped in a pothole and wrenched my ankle horribly. I felt it pop twice. The doctor said it was a sprain and told me to just do what i'd been doing (R.I.C.E) and it should get better in a month or so. Well, we're past two months now and it's still ******** up, and my doctor is booked up through this month.
So, this doesn't really sound like a big deal, but there's been a few problems that have resulted from this and the fact that I do not own a usable vehicle. I'm generally dependant on walking and public transporation to get around, and now I can't even walk down to the busstop. Which means that I'm basically dependant on other people to get anywhere. This is a pretty huge blow to what little pride in myself I have. I hate feeling dependant on others to this extent. It also means that I'm basically incapable of going anywhere but home or work, which is driving more than a little stir crazy.
I feel like someone who was making the last few yards of long, grueling marathon, and then had a brick wall dropped right in front of them.
And I suppose even that doesn't sound that bad really. But in the last week I've begun to realize that as a result of all of this, I've been slipping further and further into my depression than I had originally thought. In fact I don't think I've been this bad since before I went to see my first shrink, which would have been a good 10-11 years ago.
I've been withdrawing away from everyone more and more, even with you guys online. Posting less, haven't drawn a thing since Kit's gift, barely even game or anything else anymore. Mostly if I see my roommates it's because I'm laying about watching TV. On my days off I mostly just sleep. When I'm awake I'm bored and restless despite having plenty at my disposal to occupy my time. My eating habits have grown worse again too. I haven't bought salad stuff in weeks and keep making fast-food stops on the way to work. My bodies going back to crap and it's only making me feel worse.
I've tried to talk it out with a few people, and for the most part it helps but it never really seems to stick. Support from Kit, Nyami, and Chris have helped more than anything, but I think they're the only thing keeping me just this side of sane. And the worst part is, there's not alot I can do to fix the situation. I've tried doing other things to better myself. Getting my finances untangled from my mother's, getting more organized and keeping better track of things that need to be done, etc. But it just feels like I'm trying to use a paddle off a rowboat to steer an oceanliner.
Even after reading that last bit a couple times I can't think of anything I can do to help myself feel better. I'm starting to wonder if there's a downside to this sort of zen status I've had about being single. There's a certain kind of comfort you can't get from family and friends, and maybe this is one of those times where that's what I need. But I honestly don't know.
Kaminosai · Fri Sep 05, 2008 @ 11:05am · 0 Comments |
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