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ok so it's like, 12:00pm and I don't want to sleep, so I thought "why not add something to my Journal?", and well... here I am...

So in the past months many things have happened, the first, well... I started school, which is usually something good for me, right? Well, maybe not this year. The reason? Well, I just don't know... and that's about all I can say being very truthful, for I, to be honest, don't know what the hell's going on with me. Maybe, and just maybe, it has been all the changes that just appeared... I thank God because of my best friends, Richi and Dani... but this year has been a little bit... odd.
So many things are different now, new teachers, new subjects, new activities... and yet it has been the same... the same people, the same school, the same feeling, or not? God! I don't know... deep inside I feel like something was wrong with me... but, again, I don't know what...

Second, I have decided to wear a rainbow wristband... but as far as I know, only three people have noticed... which is a little disappointing actually (may I mention that these three people are my step sister, a STRAIGHT guy from my classroom, and my Spanish teacher?). Sometimes I just feel like I am the only freaking gay in my school... and somehow I feel that's wrong. This makes me struggle between my really proud and "out there" self, and my deeply depressive self. Which leads me to number three...

Mood swings. I hate them, but I got them. Every day. And they are not normal, I mean... today at 3pm I was very VERY -Pyon!- (a.k.a. absurdly happy and hyper)... and now I just want to throw myself off of a building. I hate that sensation, and the worst of all is the sensation that I'm letting life play MY game. I have talked to a shrink, and she told me that I couldn't let that happen. I can't.

As for a fourth one, It divides into two, two of the 4 most important people for me (excluding, of course my family)... my bf and my bff... Nick and Michael. Nick is my, er... boyfriend, if you could call him that... and Mike is my best friend. Both of them live soooo far away it's ridiculous. Again, I thank god because he blessed me with two great and magnificent friends, Richi and Dani... but I feel so... alone sometimes because neither the person, out of my family, that I cared most about for more than 6 years and whom I still care about nor the person who cares about me the most are here, near me. I swear... It would be so good if all of my friends were here... But that would be just wrong. I mean, I'm in the middle of ******** nowhere, and I know that they are better where they are now, even if that is painful.

Fifth, Guilt. ******** Guilt. I feel so guilty for not being able to open my eyes and see how wonderful life is... I feel so guilty for wishing with all my heat that my best friend was here even if that meant making him less happy. I feel so guilty that I feel like if I was hurting those who are near me with my way of acting. I feel so guilty because I know I'm not giving all that I can. I feel so guilty that I can't see that I'm not the only one whose life isn't perfect. I feel guilty about the fact that I don't even have the guts of saying all these to my friends, but that I am a coward who can only say what he feels in front of a cold, lifeless screen. I feel so guilty about feeling guilty and so thankless and waisting my life while I try to struggle with reality. And I feel specially guilty that I can't show who I really am out of fear. THAT fear.

I feel bad for those who have to deal with me. With all of my s**t, all of my complains, all of my strangeness... Maybe they'd be better off without me. But then I think, "Would they?".

Is that duality what I hate about myself, that duality that makes me go from uber happy to totally depressing. That duality that is pushing my friends away from me. That duality that would make me an excellent student, in exchange for a suicidal personality.

Then, maybe last, hate. HATE HATE HATE HATE. Coming from me, coming from everyone, coming from no one. That hate that I know exists in most of the people I relate to, that hate I know is now sleeping.


*sigh* I'm sorry I am feeling this way today... I am not usually this way... or am I?... I don't know... I now feel I don't even know myself... but yet again, who does?