i miss ken a lot. i have read an entry he wrote in his gaia journal over and over, and i don't understand what went wrong. i don't know when exactly things started changing, but they did, and now i'm the same person, only more damaged. andrew was asking me about this last night, and i think deep down that ken really does love or care for me, that maybe he just doesn't love or care for me over everyone/everything else like i do for him. i understand that. i will not be selfish, or atleast i'm trying not to be. it just hurts... always feeling like i'm not good enough for him. he makes me so happy when i talk to him, and he is just about the only person who can make me happy. genuinely happy, not faking it. i can't fake it with him. even when it hurts to smile, i can't help but do it, because he is just everything to me.
i don't know. i am listening to Transatlanticism right now, and also thinking about how Leland and I used to be really really good friends. He was like my best friends, I couldn't wait to talk to him everyday. I miss that, and I miss him all the time, but I guess it is better for me to just stay away, because he hates how I am sad all the time. So it is my fault what went wrong there. Completly my fault. Again.
I keep thinking thing's will change... I just hope they change for the better.
nolies_justlove · Sun Dec 18, 2005 @ 05:42pm · 0 Comments |